The Legend of Eevee: Pokéflute of Time
by that one little guy
Summary: The crossover you've been dreading: It's Ocarina of Time, but everybody's a Pokémon! Enjoy this less than accurate retelling of the classic game where the Hero of Time is an idiotic Pichu and his partner is the bitchiest Happiness Pokémon you've ever met!
1. The Oddly Colored Pichu

**A/N: **Damn. It seems like I can't stick to one game/show/whatever for more than a month, 'cause here I am making my debut in yet another one. (facedesk) Actually, I've had the idea for this story for more than a year, but I told myself I wouldn't start it until after I was done with my last big project since I didn't want to be working on too many things at the same time. I'm actually totally surprised that no one else thought of this and beat me to it (WHICH HAS HAPPENED TO ME), but I'm not complaining!

One more thing: Even though I came up with the idea by myself, I also got a lot of inspiration from The Great Chicken Miasma's "Pikario & Chuigi" series. If you haven't read it yet, DO EET. NAO. In the meantime, I just hope I can write something as good.

So in the immortal words of Strong Bad, let's get this train wreck a-rolling!

––

**The Legend of Eevee: Pokéflute of Time**

It was another fine day in the Kokiri Forest, and everybody was happy. Well, everybody except Celebi, since he was dying. This kind of sucked, since he was the guardian spirit of the forest and responsible for everyone who lived there. So after he couldn't deny his fate any longer, he called for his closest friend, by which I mean the only person in the whole forest who could tolerate his presence.

"Togetic! Togetic, where are you?"

No answer.

"Togetic, please. I need you."

No answer.

"TOGETIC, GET YOUR SPOTTED ASS DOWN HERE!"

"Mom, I'm telling you for the last time, do _not _marry the guy," came a voice from high up in the trees. "At least find out what that smell coming from his trunk is… oh, sorry, I'm gonna have to call you back." There was the sound of a cell phone clicking shut, and Togetic came floating down. "Okay, C, this better be important."

"Togetic, my dear friend… listen to my words, the words of the great Celebi."

"You know I hate it when you refer to yourself in the third person like that. Now what's the problem?"

"Togetic, I'm going to be frank. I'm dying."

"Well, I told you to lay off the drugs, you know."

"That's _not _why I'm dying, dum-dum pop! An evil Pokémon of the desert has placed a terrible curse on me!"

"Well, that sucks. Too bad Togetics are completely useless and therefore I can't do a thing about it."

"No argument there. So I need you to find someone who _can _help. It seems the time has come for the oddly-colored Pichu to begin his journey."

"…The oddly-colored Pichu?"

"Yes, Togetic. We only have one oddly-colored Pichu. Now just go get him, okay?"

"I dunno, C. I'm pretty tired of taking crap from you. What if I don't _want _to?"

"I'll show everybody that embarrassing picture of you getting drunk and dancing to Rick Astley at the Christmas party."

"I'm on it."

––

Togetic really hated living in the Kokiri Forest. Apart from Celebi, there were also all the overly-cheerful Grass-types who lived there. Being the only Flying-type made it difficult, and being an extremely cranky Flying-type made it just plain annoying.

"Hello there!" called up a Chikorita as she flew past.

"Screw you," she called back down.

Finally she arrived at the house Celebi had mentioned. Flying up to the window and peering in, she saw somebody curled up asleep on a bed.

He was indeed oddly-colored. All the places where Pichus were normally black – his ears, his collar, his tail – he was forest green instead, and his cheeks were light green rather than pink.

"Can the fate of Hyrule really depend on such an oddly-colored Pichu?" Togetic wondered to herself. "Well, I guess I'd better get this over with."

She slowly backed up and then charged straight through the window – only to crash through the glass she hadn't realized was there and land on the floor in a twitching bloody heap. Pichu woke up very quickly.

"What the – WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" he cried.

"I don't suppose you have any antiseptic," Togetic groaned as she sat up and pulled the glass out of herself. "Anyway, my name's Togetic."

"Are you here to be my friend?"

"What? For the love of – no. I'm only here because Celebi sent me. He says he wants to see you."

"Celebi wants to see ME?" Pichu squealed in delight, prancing joyfully around the room and only stopping when Togetic grabbed him by his head.

"Don't do that. Oh, and there's one more thing. Not that I care or anything, but Celebi says you have been feeling unhappy lately."

Pichu's ears drooped. "Well, yes," he admitted. "I'm already ten years old and I haven't learned a single Grass attack." He looked up at Togetic hopelessly. "But I _must _be a Grass-type because I'm living here in Kokiri Forest! Isn't that right?"

"…Sure, whatever. Anyway, he told me to give you this." She pulled out a very large, razor-edged leaf and stuffed it into his hands.

"What's this thing?"

"It's a leaf from the Great Deku Tree, genius. Now you can use Leaf Blade."

"**OMG NO WAI!**" Pichu shrieked in delight, throwing his arms around Togetic and squeezing the life out of her. "THANK YOU SO MUCH! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!"

"I don't get paid enough for this," Togetic groaned.

––

Pichu came scampering out of his house, unable to contain his excitement, with Togetic slowly and reluctantly following behind him.

"This is so exciting! I can't wait to show everybody! They'll all be so jealous! I can finally – WAAAAAAAAAUGH!" he screamed as he fell off the twenty-foot-high platform his house was on and landed squarely on his head.

"Where am I?" he said faintly.

"Hey, keep doing that. If you get massive enough brain damage, maybe you'll die and I won't have to do anything."

"Pichu! Pichu!" came an excited voice from up ahead. Pichu and Togetic both turned around to see Pichu's best (and probably only) friend, Leafeon, running toward them. Like Pichu, she was just a kid, and so was very small for her evolutionary level.

"Good morning, Pichu! Did you fall out of your house again? It's my job to ask since I have to make sure you don't get too much brain trauma and – hey, who's that?"

Pichu hugged Togetic again. "This is my new friend, Togetic!"

"Let go or I'll kill you in your sleep."

"Oh, and look what she gave me!" Pichu said to Leafeon, pulling out his leaf and swinging it demonstratively. "LEAF BLADE! …Uh oh."

Pichu's Leaf Blade went flying out of his hands and a chorus of screams went up as it painfully slashed through a large group of people standing twenty feet away.

"MY BRAINS!" shrieked an unfortunate Oddish.

"That's great, Pichu!" Leafeon giggled. "You're a true Grass-type now! If you weren't so fat and ugly I'd consider going out with you."

"Isn't she the greatest?" Pichu said dreamily to Togetic.

"Yeah, peachy. Now can we please get going? The longer we stay here the more I want to stab my eyes out."

Pichu geekily waved goodbye to Leafeon as Togetic dragged him across the forest towards the entrance to Celebi's grove. Unfortunately for Togetic's already-minimal patience, along the way they were bombarded by the greetings of the famously friendly Grass-types.

"Hey, Pichu! Do you know how to Z-Target?" said a Bulbasaur.

"Doing backflips is fun, don't you think?" said a Hoppip.

"Do you have any spare change?" said a Roselia.

"WOULD YOU ALL FREAKING LEAVE ME ALONE?" Togetic finally screamed, spinning around to face them and karate chopping them into unconsciousness.

"Was that really necessary?" Pichu asked meekly.

"Completely. Okay, Celebi's grove is just over this way and – oh, great. Do I have to karate chop somebody else?"

"I wouldn't," Pichu replied worriedly. The person standing with his arms folded in front of the entrance, barring their way, was Treecko, the leader of the Grass-types.

"Just what do you think you're doing, Pichu?" he said insufferably. "Are you trying to see Celebi? You know he doesn't like fat people."

"She said I have to." Pichu pointed timidly at Togetic.

"Oh no, you're not dragging me into this."

"Don't be an idiot! Why would he ever want to see _you? _You're useless! You don't even know any Grass attacks!" Treecko snapped at him.

"That's not true! Watch this!" Pichu used Leaf Blade!

"…Okay, that was impressive," Treecko conceded once he had pulled the leaf out of his forehead. "But I'm still not gonna let you pass."

"Why not?"

"'Cause I'm just a heel like that."

"All right, I've had enough of this," Togetic said decisively, shoving Pichu aside and facing Treecko. "Hey lizard boy, I got a riddle for you. What's black and green and red all over?"

Treecko looked confused and impatient. "I don't know, what?"

"Your face, after I do this," said Togetic, slugging him squarely between the eyes.

"Wow, T-money, that was really cool," Pichu remarked as he climbed over Treecko's mangled body and followed her down the path. "Can I call you that? T-money?"

"If you do I will make every waking moment of your existence a torrent of pain and suffering."

"T-money it is."


	2. Idiocy in the Deku Tree

"Okay C, I brought the fat kid. Can I go home now?" Togetic called as she and Pichu wandered into Celebi's grove. The forest guardian saw them from his perch high up in the Great Deku Tree and floated down to meet them.

"Togetic, you came back," he said gratefully. "I was afraid you wouldn't, especially since you theoretically could have just flown out of the forest and never come back."

Togetic looked stunned before facepalming. "_Dammit! _Why didn't I?"

Celebi turned his attention away from her. "Now, Pichu, I'm sure you're very concerned as to why I could possibly have called you here."

"Not really. Do you have candy?"

"There is a foul curse that has been placed on me," Celebi went on. "I need someone brave, strong, and loyal to break the curse for me. Unfortunately, you're all I have at the moment."

"You don't look cursed," said Pichu.

"The curse isn't on me, per se, but on the Great Deku Tree. That big important-looking tree behind me," he clarified when Pichu gave him a clueless look. "But due to a bunch of spiritual mumbo-jumbo I happen to be bonded with every living thing in this forest. So if the tree dies, so do I."

Pichu marveled at him. "Are you really bonded to _everybody?_"

"Uh huh."

"So you knew that one time I had constipation?"

"Look, just go in the tree and kill the monster, okay? That can't possibly be too hard, even for you."

"Uh, C, I have to object," Togetic spoke up. "I've been with the guy for five minutes and already my IQ has dropped at least ten points. He can't possibly help you."

"Hmm. You make a good point, Togetic," Celebi mused. "You'd better go in with him."

The smug look on Togetic's face instantly turned into one of bug-eyed horror. "_WHAT?_"

"Have fun, you two," said Celebi, causing a huge doorway to open up in the side of the Deku Tree and shoving Pichu and Togetic inside.

––

"I don't believe this. I don't freaking believe this," Togetic moaned. They were standing in a massive chamber inside the Deku Tree with vine-covered walls surrounding them on all sides. "I just don't believe Celebi could possibly be such an asshole. Can you, Pichu? …Pichu?"

Pichu didn't answer. He was being eaten by an evil Carnivine.

"Oh for crying out – " Togetic pulled him out of its mouth. "Next time, try to go for more than five seconds without almost dying."

Pichu and Togetic started exploring and eventually clambered up the vines and reached the second floor.

"I don't see any huge monster around here," Togetic mused. "Something tells me that it's underground, through that hole covered up by the big spider web on the floor. What do you think?"

Pichu didn't answer. He was being gnawed on by a bunch of evil Spinaraks.

"Can't you do _anything _right?" Togetic demanded after saving him again.

"The general consensus is no."

The two of them entered an empty room when a lone Bellsprout jumped out at them. "Feast on my Bullet Seed, b#tches!" he shouted before firing a round of seeds from his mouth, hitting Pichu directly in the face.

"_Ow! Ow! Ow!_" Pichu cried, collapsing onto the ground as the seeds continued to strike him. "Togetic, what do I do?"

"You could try moving one step to the right."

"I could what now?"

By the time he managed to stand back up Togetic had already ripped the Bellsprout in half.

"Oh. I knew that."

They wandered into the next room. "Look what he was guarding, Pichu. It's a chest! Maybe you should open it."

"What is a giant treasure chest doing inside a _tree?_"

"Stop asking questions. Just open the stupid chest."

Pichu trembled with anticipation as he pried the chest open. "Oh, I wonder what it could be? Maybe gold, or candy, or a sports car, or candy, or a jet plane, or my own private island filled with candy, or – "

He peered inside. "What? Oh, come on! It's just a bunch of seeds! WORST. TREASURE. EVER!"

"They're like the ones the Bellsprout had," Togetic noted. "Looks like you can use Bullet Seed now."

"How is _that _supposed to help me?"

Back in the main chamber, they saw that three more Spinaraks were climbing around the wall leading up to the top of the tree.

"You can't get at them from down here. You'll have to _throw _something at them," Togetic hinted, gesturing not-so-subtly at Pichu's bag of seeds.

"Hmm, you're right." Pichu pondered this for a long moment before grabbing Togetic and throwing her up.

"You're incredibly stupid," Togetic said several minutes later as she flew back down, bleeding heavily.

They both climbed up to the top and found themselves standing on a precarious ledge. Falling off would lead all the way down to the spider web-covered hole, which in turn led all the way down to another huge chamber.

"Looks like you're gonna have to jump," Togetic said nonchalantly.

"Um… I'd rather not."

"Quit being a pansy. Just jump."

"Sorry, T-money, but I kinda like not being dead and **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH**-_oomph-_**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH****!**" he screamed as Togetic shoved him off. He crashed through the web and landed with a huge splash in the water-filled chamber underneath the tree.

"Why couldn't you just _fly _me down?" he screamed at Togetic, who had flown down after him.

"You obviously haven't figured out how I work."

––

The two of them continued to wander around as Pichu did more inexplicably stupid things, including almost drowning in two inches of water, getting impaled by a spiky log and setting himself on fire. Luckily, he then started screaming and rolling around on another spider web, which burned off as he plummeted down into yet another watery chamber.

"You're not being very helpful," he said to Togetic, who had been pointing and laughing at him.

"Dude, unless I start getting paid for this, you'll be lucky if I don't kill you myself."

The two of them suddenly noticed that this room had three nasty-looking Bellsprouts standing in front of a door and glaring at them.

"How the heck did you make it this far without dying?" demanded the center one.

"I have no idea," replied Pichu, who was by now nursing a large amount of stupidity-induced injuries.

"Well, your luck is about to run out!" shouted the Bellsprout, and all three of him began bombarding him with seeds.

"MOTHER&*?#! NOT AGAIN!" Pichu screamed. Togetic sighed and strangled all of them.

"Now tell us how to defeat the monster!" she shouted at the center one as she had her hands around his neck.

"Why? You're just going to kill me either way."

"But if you tell us, I'll make up a cool story about how you died."

"Oh. Well, if you want to kill the Queen up ahead, you have to hit her while she's stunned. And to stun her, you have to hit her in the face with something. Like, a seed. Preferably with bullet-like qualities."

"But I don't have _anything _like that!" Pichu complained. Togetic's eye twitched and she took out her exasperation at him by slugging the Bellsprout until he stopped moving.

"Come on, Pichu, let's get this over with," she said as she pulled him through the door.

"T-money, I think you might have some anger issues."


	3. Celebi Kicks It

Pichu and Togetic found themselves in an enormous, darkened chamber held up by a series of pillars. The silence was eerie.

"Now be on your guard," Togetic said sternly. "Do you see anything unusual?"

"Uh, not really. Just some grass, and some mist… oh, and that huge spider staring at us from the ceiling."

"Say what?"

There was a rustling sound, and then the room shook as an enormous red spider with yellow-and-purple striped legs slammed onto the ground directly in front of them.

"I AM QUEEN ARIADOS!" she bellowed. "WHO ARE YOU?"

"Uh… I'm Pichu," Pichu said in a very high voice.

"NICE TO MEET YOU!" said Ariados. "FORGIVE ME, BUT I AM CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO EAT YOU NOW!"

"Uh, Pichu, you might wanna try out that Bullet Seed move now," Togetic said uneasily as Ariados began closing in on them.

"Huh? Oh, right," said Pichu, fumbling through his bag before pulling out a handful of seeds and lobbing them directly in the Queen's face.

"OW!" Ariados roared before collapsing. "FOR SOME REASON BEING HIT IN THE FACE WITH A SEED HAS CAUSED ME TO BECOME DRASTICALLY INCAPACITATED!"

"Good enough for me," said Pichu, walking up to her. Pichu used Leaf Blade! Somehow it actually worked!

"YES! I'M AWESOME!" he jeered, waving and slapping his butt in the spider's face.

"Pichu, you're supposed to kill it, not make it want to puke," said Togetic.

Pichu turned around. "Huh?"

"Pay attention! She's getting away!"

Ariados had darted away from Pichu and climbed up the wall, and now she was hanging from the ceiling once again, dropping a bunch of eggs onto the ground around him.

"Ha! You think a bunch of _rocks _are gonna stop me? You're an idiot."

"Pichu, those aren't rocks," Togetic sighed.

"Huh? What do you – aw crap," said Pichu as a bunch of Spinaraks hatched out of the eggs and flew at him, latching onto his face.

"**MMMMFGG! MMFFF MMRR RRMFF RMMGGG!**" Pichu screamed as he ran in circles around the room, waving his arms around insanely and crashing into the walls.

"Give me that," Togetic snapped, snatching the Leaf Blade out of his hand, flying up to Ariados and stabbing her in the side. The Queen let out a roar of pain and plummeted to the ground – landing directly on top of Pichu.

"Oops. My bad," said Togetic, quickly reaching under and pulling him out.

Pichu pulled the last Spinarak off his face and saw Ariados lying motionless on the floor. "Hey, I won!" he said brightly.

"Yeah, sure you did."

"WRONG! I'M NOT DEAD!" shouted Ariados, leaping back to her feet and stomping directly toward Pichu.

"_Aaaaaugh! I'm done for!_" Pichu wailed, curling up into a ball and throwing his hands over his face.

"I HAVE YOU NOW! TIME TO – **AAAAAAHHH!**" Ariados screamed as she tripped over Pichu, crashing to the ground and dying instantly.

Pichu lifted his head up. "Wow. That was easy."

"That was anticlimactic," Togetic pouted.

––

Pichu and Togetic walked into the conveniently located shining blue portal that had suddenly materialized and felt themselves teleporting out of the Deku Tree, appearing back in the forest in front of Celebi.

"What the – you guys aren't dead?" he exclaimed when he saw them, looking shocked. "I certainly wasn't expecting that."

"You're so kind," Togetic said grudgingly, attempting to rub the dirt off of herself. "Okay, C, we nearly got killed painfully countless times over, but we got rid of that stupid spider. Happy?"

"Well, about that. See, it turns out you were too late to save me and I'm about to die anyway. So all that stuff you just did was for absolutely nothing. Funny, huh?"

Togetic was silent for a moment before letting forth an explosive volley of expletives that could be heard throughout the entire forest.

"Anyway, Pichu, there's something I have to give you," Celebi went on, ignoring the fact that Togetic had thrown him to the ground and was pummeling him repeatedly. "It's the reason that evil Pokémon put this curse on me."

Celebi reached underneath himself and hurled a shining green stone at Pichu, hitting him squarely in the head.

_Pichu received the Leaf Stone! It's the most sacred relic of the forest, and Celebi is entrusting it to him for some reason! Probably not the best idea!_

"Oh and another thing, Pichu. I need you to leave the forest and go to Hyrule Castle. There you will find the Princess of Destiny and learn what you must do to stop this sinister Pokémon from spreading his darkness across the land."

"But… Celebi, Grass-types can never leave the forest. If we do, we die a horrible painful death."

"Yeah. I can definitely relate," Celebi said irritably. "Okay, I'm dying now."

Togetic backed away as Celebi flopped motionlessly onto the ground, his body slowly disappearing in a sparkling shaft of light.

"Uh… Togetic… " Pichu said after a moment of silence, "you think we're going to get in trouble for basically killing the guardian of the entire forest?"

"Pfft. No. Nobody's gonna care."

––

"**YOU &*?#ING KILLED CELEBI?**" Treecko screamed, grabbing Pichu by the shoulders and shaking him uncontrollably. "YOU &*?#ING IDIOT! YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL! _DOOMED, DO YOU HEAR ME?_"

"BURN HIM! BURN HIM!" chanted the angry crowd surrounding them. Many members were waving torches and pitchforks.

"Geez, Treecko, calm down," Pichu said uneasily. "He was a prick anyway."

"Oh, that _does _it. You are _so _gonna get burned!"

"Much as I'd like to watch that," said Togetic, who was sitting on a rock nearby and filing her nonexistent nails, "you guys are a bunch of Grass-types. Living in a forest. The whole burning thing probably won't go down well."

Treecko gave her an annoyed look. "All right then, what would _you _suggest?"

"Me? Well, I personally would just hold him underwater until he stops breathing. But then again, you could just make him leave the forest. He'll die instantly."

"Hmm, good idea. Okay then Pichu, you are hereby _banished _from Kokiri Forest!"

"Uh, okay. I was actually gonna leave anyway."

Treecko blinked. "You were?"

"Yep. So, see you, I guess," Pichu said nonchalantly before turning around and walking away.

Treecko watched him go and folded his arms smugly. "Well, I sure showed him."

Everyone in the crowd did a mass facepalm.

––

"So, Togetic, are you sure this is gonna be safe?" Pichu asked anxiously. They were standing on the bridge that would lead them out of the forest and into the outside world. "I mean, I don't wanna die or anything."

"Well, I personally hope you do. So I say we go."

They started across the bridge when, due to inferior graphics, Leafeon suddenly appeared out of thin air.

"DUDE!" Pichu freaked out. "Are you some kind of ninja or something?"

"Oh, you're leaving? Well, I always knew you would leave the forest one day," Leafeon said to Pichu. "Mostly because I figured you'd do something stupid that would get you banished. So I got you a going-away present."

Pichu's ears perked up. "A present? Is it candy? Or jewels? Or candy?"

"What? No. It's this Pokéflute," she said, putting it in his hands. "I don't want it anymore, so I guess it's good enough for you."

"First seeds, now a flute? Geez, all my presents suck. I can't wait to get out of here."

With that, he turned back around and stormed across the bridge.

"Good luck on your epic quest or whatever, Pichu," Leafeon called after him, then turned to Togetic with concern in her eyes. "You'll make sure he's all right, won't you? You'll look after him?"

"Hell no," said Togetic, flying after Pichu.


	4. Hyrule Field and Other Random Encounters

"Holy fudge monkeys. This place is huge."

Pichu and Togetic were standing in Hyrule Field, a vast, rolling plain dotted with trees extending as far as the eye could see.

"Ah, it's so beautiful," Togetic sighed as she twirled around, looking happy for the first time. "Pichu, this is your very first view of the world outside the forest. Isn't it exciting?"

"What? Oh, yeah," said Pichu, quickly discarding his Game Boy and trying to look interested. "Uh, where are we going again?"

"To Hyrule Castle. You're supposed to meet the princess."

"I don't see any castle."

"Well, you have to actually _walk _a little ways to get there."

"But I'm tired," Pichu whined, flopping onto the ground. "Carry me."

Togetic glared at him. "The only way I'd ever carry you is by hacking off each of your limbs and carrying them all individually."

"Okay, I'm good with that."

"Hoo! Hoo!" came a voice from up above their heads. "Pichu! Look up here!"

Togetic looked up and her eyes bulged. "OH SUICUNE NO!" she cried. "NOT YOU!"

"Huh? What's wrong?" asked Pichu, gazing up at the brown Pokémon perched up in a tree.

"It's Noctowl," Togetic whimpered. "He helps people by giving them incredibly lengthy explanations of things nobody cares about."

"Hello there, Pichu!" said Noctowl. "Looks like you've finally started your adventure, huh?"

"How do you know my name?"

"I'm an Internet stalker. Now, I'm here to tell you how to use your map."

"I don't have a map."

"You do now." Noctowl threw a rolled-up piece of paper at him. "Now, the places you haven't been to yet will be filled in as you visit them. The yellow arrow indicates your current position, the red arrow indicates your starting position, flashing blue areas indicate…"

Half an hour later, Noctowl was still talking and Pichu and Togetic were sprawled on the ground, writhing in agony.

"All right! I've had ENOUGH of this!" Togetic finally shouted, flying up to Noctowl and clamping his beak shut.

"Yeah! And aren't owls only supposed to come out at _night?_" said Pichu.

"Have it your way," Noctowl said and whistled the Sun's Song. It instantly became night and a bunch of Cubones sprang up from underground and piled on top of Pichu.

"Anyway, keep going in this direction until you reach Hyrule Castle. Then you'll be able to talk to the princess. Do you want me to repeat what I just said?"

"For the love of Entei, NO," said Togetic.

"How about you, Pichu?"

Pichu was being held down by two Cubones while a third one was punching him in the stomach. "Now give us your lunch money!" it shouted.

"Well then, I'll just be off," said Noctowl. "But we will meet again, many, many times. And there's nothing you can do about it. Hoo hoot!"

"Where's a heat-seeking nuclear missile when you need one?" Togetic grumbled as he flew off.

––

The next morning Pichu and Togetic arrived at Hyrule Castle Town and entered the marketplace. It was very noisy and crowded as a bunch of Pokémon wandered around the various shops.

"T-money, I gotta stop for a while. I think I'm experiencing some internal bleeding," Pichu moaned, clutching at his bruised stomach.

Togetic rolled her eyes. "It's always about you, isn't it? 'Oh Togetic, I think my neck's broken. Oh Togetic, I can't feel my heart.' I'm sick of it!"

"But I'm serious. I really think I – hey there, baby," he suddenly said, dropping his voice as he waggled his eyebrows at someone standing nearby. "You are one fine lookin' creampuff."

"Um… do I know you?" asked the Igglybuff he was looking at.

"No, but you're about to. In the biblical sense, if you like," Pichu said as he leaned against her with a seductive grin. At least he thought it was seductive, but all it really did was make Togetic spit out the milk she had been drinking.

"Listen, buddy, you're not really my type," said Igglybuff, shirking him off.

"What do you mean?"

"You're a moron."

"NO I'M NOT! Why do you think that?"

"Because I'm over here. You're talking to a plant."

Pichu spun around to face her. "Come on, just give me a chance! I've charmed every girl in the forest!"

"By which you mean you _used _Charm on every girl in the forest. He wanted to lower their attack power because they were beating him up," Togetic explained to Igglybuff.

"Togetic, you're not helping!"

"Trust me, I am."

"Look, if you really want to seduce me, you could start by looking for my dad," said Igglybuff. "He went to deliver milk to the castle and never came back. I figure either he fell asleep, or he got shanked by a street gang."

"You got it, my little bran muffin!" Pichu declared, pulling Togetic along towards the path that led up to the castle. "Come on Togetic! It's not like we have anything important we're supposed to be doing right now."

"Please kill me," Togetic muttered to Igglybuff before being yanked away.

––

"No, you may _not _go to the castle," said the Sentret who was standing in front of the gate. "Number one, you're a rodent. Number two, you smell like crap. Number three, what's your business there, anyway?"

"I'm looking for two people I've never met and have no idea what they look like," Pichu replied. Togetic began banging her head against the wall.

"Well, forget it. If I let you pass, I certainly wouldn't be doing my job as a guard," the Sentret said firmly as a group of Rattatas snuck past him, all toting various explosive weapons.

"Well, sorry to tell you this, but I'm getting past one way or another," Pichu growled, withdrawing his Leaf Blade. "And what are _you _gonna do to stop me?"

––

"Didn't notice he had a spear, huh?"

"The bleeding!" Pichu wailed.

"Oh, hey there Pichu," said Igglybuff, who had been singing softly to herself nearby and didn't seem too concerned about Pichu's numerous puncture wounds. "Listen, I thought of a way you could wake up my dad. I've been incubating this egg very carefully, and it should hatch by tomorrow."

"The sound of an egg hatching will wake him up?" Pichu asked in confusion.

"Is he always this stupid?" Igglybuff asked Togetic.

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Well anyway, if you're having trouble getting past the guards, you could always just climb up those vines on the cliff and cut over to the castle that way."

"Forget it! I'm not taking advice from a girl!"

"Suit yourself," said Igglybuff as Pichu stormed back to the gate and was promptly beaten senseless and thrown back to where he had been standing before.

"You should be careful not to attract so much attention, Pichu," Togetic scolded. "We might get noticed by – "

"Hoot hoot! Up here, Pichu!"

"**NOOOOO! NEVER AGAIN!**" Pichu shrieked. Pichu used Bullet Seed! Repeatedly! It didn't affect Noctowl! "_WHY THE FRACK ISN'T THIS WORKING?_"

"Please. You're throwing _seeds _at me. I'm immune to such feeble attempts on my life," Noctowl gloated. "Anyway, if you want to get past the guards, you should – "

"**SHUT THE &*?# UP!**" screamed Togetic. Togetic used Metronome! Togetic used Hyper Beam! Noctowl was blasted off the tree branch and crashed into the cliff behind him!

"Okay, _that _one hurt," he growled, glaring at Togetic. "Say, how old are you again?"

"…Should I leave?" Igglybuff put in awkwardly.

"Oh, sorry. I forgot why I was here," said Noctowl. "As I was saying Pichu, if you want to get past the guards, you should climb up those vines on the cliff and cut over to the castle that way."

"What? But I just gave that exact suggestion!" said Igglybuff.

"Internet stalker. Well, I must be going so I can plan my next attack – I mean, meeting with you, Pichu. Hoo hoot!"

"I don't believe this," Togetic moaned once he had left. "I have to put up with you, _and _him, every single day for Suicune knows how long?" She buried her face in her hands. "MY LIFE SUCKS!"

Pichu looked confused. "Y'know, I always thought Togetics were supposed to be _Happiness _Pokémon."

"**I'LL BE HAPPY WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT!**"

She then started having a screaming tantrum and proceeded to hurl a bunch of rocks around in random directions, killing a bunch of innocent bystanders. Pichu and Igglybuff glanced at each other, equally freaked out.

"You know, I might actually climb that wall now," said Pichu.

"I might come with you," said Igglybuff.


	5. The Expository Chapter

"Hey! It's my dad!" Igglybuff shouted as she and Pichu climbed out of the castle moat, which they had been swimming along to avoid being noticed by the guards. Pichu followed her over to where a Wigglytuff was lying facedown on the ground next to a bunch of crates, snoring loudly.

"What a relief," Igglybuff sighed. "He sure doesn't _sound _like he got shanked."

"Aw, man. I wanted to see a dead body."

"Just wake him up, you clod. Where's that Torchic that hatched out of the egg?"

"It's standing on my head… claws… piercing my skull…"

"Aw, there you are, you cute little thing," Igglybuff cooed, pulling the Torchic off Pichu's head as he fainted from blood loss. "Now wake up Dad, okay?"

The Torchic obediently flew over to Wigglytuff and perched on his head, made as though it was about to start cheeping, then dug its claws into his head instead.

"AAAAUGH! WHAT IN TARNATION?" cried Wigglytuff, leaping to his feet and running around in a circle. "SOMEONE GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! IT'S PIERCING MAH BRAINS!"

"I think I'm gonna name him Stabby," Igglybuff mused as Pichu sat up and groaned.

"Oh, Igglybuff! It's you!" said Wigglytuff once he had pried the Torchic off his head. "I suppose I dozed off again, didn't I? Sorry about that, sweetheart. Hope you were all right by yourself."

"Oh yeah. Luckily, my attempted sexual assaulter isn't very competent."

"Hey Iggly, I got some candy in my van," Pichu said with a devious grin.

"You don't have a van."

"I will someday! That'll show you."

"…Okay, darling, I think we should be getting on home now," Wigglytuff said urgently, grabbing his daughter by the hand and leading her away.

"Bye Pichu! Have fun storming the castle," Igglybuff called.

––

Pichu grumbled to himself as he crawled through a tiny hole in the castle wall and entered the courtyard. There were tons of Sentret guards wandering around, so he had to sneak very cautiously around the shrubs and statues. He had almost made it past them when…

"Aha! _There _you are!" Togetic shouted as she came swooping down. "Thought you could just ditch me, huh? Sorry to burst your bubble, bud!"

"Togetic, shut up! You're gonna get me caught!" Pichu whispered. Sure enough, two nearby Sentrets were alerted by Togetic's outburst and noticed them immediately.

"Hey! That Pichu somehow snuck into the castle! What should we do?"

"Well, he looks pretty cute and harmless… but let's kill him anyway."

"Good call."

"Don't sweat it," Togetic said to the spazzing Pichu, grabbing the Sentrets as they ran up and banging their heads together.

"You're really scary, you know that?" said Pichu.

The two of them wandered into the inner sanctum of the courtyard, where they saw a small brown Pokémon facing away from them and peering into a window.

"That must be the princess," Pichu decided, walking up to her before Togetic could say anything sarcastic. He stopped right behind her and cleared his throat.

"Hi, I'm Pichu. And you – "

"**STRANGER DANGER!**" the princess screamed, spinning around and spraying him with a can of mace. Pichu wailed and fell over writhing in pain, while Togetic doubled over laughing.

"Oh man, you gotta give me some of that," she said.

The princess just then seemed to realize who was in front of her. "Oh! Sorry. I didn't realize who you were! I've been having dreams about you!"

"Wow, and I thought _I _was sketchy," Pichu remarked as he got to his feet.

"In my dream, I saw a bunch of dark clouds covering up the land of Hyrule. But then they were parted by a ray of light, which turned into a retarded-looking Pichu holding a shining green stone," the princess explained. "At first I just thought I'd had too many chili dogs before bed, but now I think it was a prophetic dream. You wouldn't happen to have a shiny green stone, would you? It's very important."

Both she and Togetic looked at Pichu expectantly.

"Uh… nope."

"Oh. Well, that's too – is your friend trying to hang herself?"

"Oh, wait! I do," said Pichu, pulling out the Leaf Stone.

"That's it!" the princess cheered. "I knew I'd meet you one day! You, Pichu, are the one who is destined to save Hyrule!"

Pichu looked blankly at her. "Buh?"

"Oh, sorry. I forgot all about introducing myself. I'm Eevee, Princess of Hyrule."

"Good for you, I guess. Now say the part about me again."

"You have the Leaf Stone. The Leaf Stone is one of the three Spiritual Stones that are the key to obtaining the legendary Triforce. You know about the Triforce, right?"

"The Triforce? Oh, yeah. Trust me, I know all about the Triforce."

"You're lying, aren't you."

"Completely."

Eevee sighed. "Okay. Long ago, the world was created by the three Legendary Pokémon: Entei, Raikou, and Suicune. When they left this world to return the Sacred Realm, the Triforce was left at the place where they departed as a sign of their power. Now, whoever gets to the Triforce will have their wish granted."

Pichu looked intrigued at that. "Really? So I could wish for a van full of candy?"

"Well, no. To get to the Triforce you need all _three _Spiritual Stones, plus the instrument of the royal family, the Pokéflute of Time. And it's really important that an evil person doesn't get their wish granted, or else Hyrule will get all &*?#ed up and stuff."

"This all sounds boring and uninteresting. And why were you looking in that window, anyway?"

"Oh, right. I was actually spying on the guy in that room. Everybody thinks I'm crazy, and my dad doesn't believe me, but I think he wants to take over Hyrule."

Curious, Pichu walked up to the window and peered inside to see a huge, catlike Pokémon hurling blazing energy balls in every direction, destroying everything in the room.

"**I AM MEWTWO!**" he bellowed. "**AND I WANT TO TAKE OVER HYRULE!**"

Pichu quickly drew away.

"Did he see you?" asked Eevee.

"No. He was kinda too busy snapping your dad's neck."

"Okay, that's good. So you know, Mewtwo is the leader of the Psychic-types of the desert. He says he's loyal to my dad but I'm pretty sure he's just a thinly-disguised evil guy. And since you're from the forest, you should know that he's the one who killed Celebi."

"Oh, well, I'll have to thank him then."

"Pichu, you're supposed to _stop _him. You need to find the other two Spiritual Stones by journeying to the edges of Hyrule, battling a bunch of evil monsters, and generally putting your life in danger. I'll protect the Pokéflute of Time by staying here in the castle where it's safe."

"Sounds fair."

"We'll get the Triforce before Mewtwo does, and then defeat him," Eevee assured him. "Anyway, you'd better get going. Here's a letter of clearance with my signature," she added, signing her name on a piece of paper and giving it to him. "You might need it."

Pichu grabbed it and stared at it in awe. "Woah! This letter has Princess Eevee's autograph! I could totally hock this for gold!"

"No, no, you need that to… oh, forget it. Anyway, my needlessly scary attendant will see you out now."

"Your needlessly scary – **WAAAAEEEEOUUUUAAAEEEEEGGGHH!**"

Pichu found himself looking up at a towering, pitch black Pokémon with piercing red eyes, long pointed ears, and glowing yellow rings covering her body.

"Hiya! I'm Umbreon of the Dark-types. Wanna make something of it?"

"No ma'am."

"Princess Eevee wants me to teach you the song that will show your connection with the royal family. So get out your crappy flute and listen up. This song is called Eevee's Lullaby."

Pichu timidly obeyed as Umbreon whistled out the tune to the song.

"Okay. Now let's hear you play it back."

Eevee and Umbreon watched Pichu as he slowly drew the Pokéflute up to his mouth, waiting for him to play the all-important song of the royal family whose power would carry him to the very edges of Hyrule and back.

"I just realized," he said after a moment, "I don't know how to play the Pokéflute."


	6. Ranch Messing

**A/N: **I know, I know. Mewtwo as Ganondorf = OMG SO UNORIGINAL. But if all my casting decisions are going to work out, he has to be a Psychic-type (you probably realize why by now), and Mewtwo happens to be the stereotypical evil one, so… yeah.

By the way… REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! (holds up Pichu) You don't want to hurt his feelings, do you?

Pichu: (picks nose)

––

"Thanks for giving me Pokéflute lessons, Umbreon."

"Yeah, yeah. You know you owe me two hundred Rupees."

"_What? _Why?"

"I charge by the hour. It took you three hours to learn how to play six notes."

"Six really _hard _notes."

"Well, here we are," said Umbreon. They were standing just outside the gate to Hyrule Castle Town, back in Hyrule Field. "This is where I have to leave you. Is your friend going to be all right?"

She was referring to Togetic, who was hovering beside them and still recovering from her failed hanging attempt.

"Yeah, I'll live. Unfortunately."

"You'll find the Fire Stone in Goron City, high up the slopes of Death Mountain. My village, Kakariko, is at the foot of that mountain, so drop by and visit. Now, please turn around and look away so I can make my dramatic exit."

Confused, Pichu and Togetic turned around as Umbreon quickly ran away.

"Woah! She's _gone!_" Pichu gawked as he turned back around.

"Well, Pichu, sounds like you have a big job ahead of you," remarked Togetic. "You have to travel up Death Mountain and find the Fire Stone, _and _you have to figure out where the third Spiritual Stone is. Plus, you should go back to Kokiri Forest and let Leafeon know you're all right. So what are you going to do first?"

Pichu thought for a long moment before his eyes lit up.

"I know! Let's stalk Igglybuff some more!"

––

"Well, here it is; Lon Lon Ranch. This is where Igglybuff lives," Togetic said as she and Pichu stood in front of the entrance. "Whatever perverted thing you're thinking of doing, do it fast so we can get out of here."

Pichu wandered into the ranch and opened the door to the stable. He was surprised to find a bunch of Miltanks standing around idly in the stables, while another Pokémon was shuffling around with a pitchfork.

"Um, excuse me sir, have you seen Igglybuff?" Pichu asked innocently.

"Grumble grumble… why is that fat oaf Wigglytuff the one who gets to be in charge, while I'm just a ranch hand?" He stood up straight and brandished his pitchfork. "I, the hard-working Raticate, should be in charge, not him!"

"Yeah, that's great, but you didn't answer my question."

"Well you didn't answer mine! That wasn't a rhetorical question! Why the hell am I not in charge of this dump?"

"Maybe because you're ugly," suggested Togetic.

"And fat," added Pichu.

"And smelly."

"And kind of a jerkass."

"ALL RIGHT! I GET IT!" Raticate snapped. "But mark my words, one day I _will _lead this ranch like I rightfully deserve! Everyone will realize what a hard-working and capable leader I am! And you two had better not forget it! Understand?"

He turned around and saw Pichu and Togetic had already left.

"Mother&*?#…"

––

Pichu next walked into the building across from the stable and found Wigglytuff sound asleep on the floor with a bunch of Torchics flapping around and swarming over him.

"We better not disturb him," said Togetic. "I wonder how he sleeps through all that, though?"

"Let's ask him," Pichu decided, walked over to Wigglytuff and started violently shaking him. "HEY! WIGGLY DUDE! HOW DO YOU SLEEP THROUGH ALL THAT?"

"Wha – WHAT THA?" cried Wigglytuff, still half asleep. "WHO ARE YOU? **GET OUTTA MY HOUSE DAMMIT! I'M PROTECTIN' THA HOMESTEAD!**" He grabbed a shotgun and began firing wildly into the air.

"I guess it's because of the job security," Togetic decided.

"Wha… oh, it's you!" Wigglytuff said after a moment. "You were the kid what was puttin' all the moves on my daughter!"

"Yes sir," Pichu said brightly. "And if you don't mind, I'd – "

Wigglytuff pointed the barrel of the shotgun directly in his face.

"Hey! Don't do that! It was an accident, I swear!"

"You _accidentally _told her you had candy in your van," Togetic deadpanned.

After a moment, Wigglytuff lowered the shotgun and laughed. "Ah, I'm just kiddin', son. I know my daughter was too smart for you anyway. Well, what can I do for you today? Feel like playin' a game?"

"I guess."

"Well, I'm gonna throw these three Super Torchics here into that there gaggle of regular Torchics. If you can pick out the super ones, I've give you something neat!"

"Aww man, how am I gonna be able to do that?"

"Pichu, I think they're the three shiny ones," Togetic muttered.

"Okay! START LOOKIN'!" Wigglytuff shouted, throwing the Super Torchics into the group.

No matter how many times Togetic said it, Pichu didn't seem to get that he was supposed to pick up the shiny ones. After choosing all of the other ones multiple times and always being told he was wrong, he finally started crying until Wigglytuff gave him a bottle of milk to shut him up.

––

"Well, that was fun," Pichu said as they wandered into the corral.

"You're more of an embarrassment every day," Togetic sighed.

Pichu ignored her. "Hey look, there's Igglybuff!" he cheered, running into the middle of the corral where she was standing. "Hi Iggly, 'member me?"

Igglybuff turned and narrowed her eyes at him. "Dude. I thought I filed a restraining order against you."

"I burned it while you weren't looking."

"Oh, well, as long as you're here, you might as well meet the horses," she said, leading him around and pointing out the various Ponytas that were galloping around. "Here's Susie, and Bridget, and Nancy, and Emily, and Violet, and Princess Stephanie Sunshine Lollipop Sparkle Rainbow…"

"STOP IT! You're giving me diabetes!" Togetic shouted, covering her ears.

"Don't blame me. My dad named all of them," Igglybuff said defensively. Then she led them over to a little Ponyta in the corner whose flames burned sky blue instead of orange.

"And _this _is Epona. She's my favorite 'cause she's shiny! I'm shallow like that."

"Hi, Epona," said Pichu, attempting to pet her.

"Dear Entei, you're _ugly!_" cried Epona, spinning him around and mule kicking him in the face before galloping off.

"You okay, Pichu?" asked Togetic, not sounding concerned.

"My face… it's broken…" Pichu whimpered from where he was sprawled on the ground.

Igglybuff thought for a moment. "Hmm… well if you like, I can teach you the song I use to call Epona. Maybe then she'll like you."

"FAT CHANCE!" Epona shouted from across the corral.

"You ready? The song goes like this," said Igglybuff, singing the notes to Epona's Song. Pichu grabbed his Pokéflute and tried to repeat it.

"Well, how was that?" he asked.

Igglybuff and Togetic were twitching too violently to answer.

"Screw you guys. All that matters is if Epona liked it."

At that very moment, Epona came trotting up behind them. Pichu looked delighted.

"Epona! You came back! You must have loved my song!"

"No, actually, I just came to punish you for doing such a sucky job," Epona replied, mule kicking him again.

"Well, you'll pick it up eventually," Igglybuff assured him as he lay spread-eagled on the ground again.

"Just as soon as he can pick _himself _up," Togetic quipped.


	7. Why Do We Need These Songs Again?

"Pichu? What are you doing back here? Why aren't you _dead?_" demanded Treecko. Pichu and Togetic had journeyed back to Kokiri Forest after their misadventures at Lon Lon Ranch.

"I dunno. I'm magic, I guess," Pichu replied, scratching his head. "Anyway, do you know where Leafeon is? I have to tell her about my ultra-super-secret mission to defeat this Mewtwo guy and save Hyrule and stuff that I'm not supposed to let anybody know about."

"It's not even worth the effort to facepalm anymore," Togetic sighed.

Treecko gave Pichu a weird look. "She's in the Lost Woods, like normal. Probably crying and writing emo poetry or something."

"Wow, does she really miss me that much?"

"Of course not. It's because I just called her and told her you were back."

As Pichu walked through the forest, all the Grass-types looked either shocked or grossly disappointed that he wasn't dead. Finally he reached the entrance to the Lost Woods, but just as he and Togetic stepped through…

"Hoo hoot! Up here, Pichu!"

Pichu twitched. "Maybe if we ignore him he'll go away," he whispered.

"That's what I've been doing to you, and it hasn't worked," Togetic muttered back.

"If you're having trouble finding your way, Pichu, you should listen to the sounds of the forest," said Noctowl. "And furthermore, you should blah blah blah blah…"

"If you keep that up, I swear to Entei I'll rip your wings off," said Togetic.

"Yeah right. Anyway, continue this way to blah blah blah blah – **HOLY SH#T!**" Noctowl shrieked as Togetic started ripping his wings off. What, you didn't think she was serious? Anyway, Pichu got somewhat freaked out and decided to go look for Leafeon.

After wandering around the Lost Woods for a long time, Pichu finally found himself in the Sacred Forest Meadow and was about to enter when a huge Mightyena sprang out of the grass and leapt at him. Pichu wasn't impressed.

"Oh please, don't you even know who I am? I'm destined to save Hyrule and – AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" he cried in agony as the Mightyena bit down on his head and started shaking him around. "HELP! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEE!"

"Hey Pichu, look what I got!" Togetic said excitedly as she flew into the Sacred Forest Meadow, holding up Noctowl's bloodied wings. Noctowl himself came hobbling along behind her, screaming a long string of curses at her. Upon smelling his blood, the Mightyena immediately dropped Pichu, dived at Noctowl and started ripping him apart.

"…I guess that works," said Pichu.

He and Togetic wandered through the Sacred Forest Meadow until they came across a clearing, where they found Leafeon sitting on a tree stump and playing a Pokéflute.

"Excellent. It appears my entrancing flute melody has led you straight to me," she said as they approached.

"Uh, Leafeon, did you come all the way out here just so the two of us could meet in private?"

"No, silly. I'm here all the time. I lure men into my lair, then kill them."

"Look, we're kind of on a tight schedule. Could you just teach Pichu whatever retarded song he has to learn this time?" Togetic griped.

"Yeah, whatever. Okay Pichu, follow along to Leafeon's Song with that crappy flute I dumped on you – I mean, the extremely heartfelt gift I gave you."

"'Leafeon's Song'? You sure got a big ego to name that thing after yourself."

"JUST PLAY THE FREAKING SONG."

Pichu listened to Leafeon play her egocentrically self-titled song on her flute and tried to repeat it, but halfway through he stopped. "Wait a minute… how are you even _playing _the flute if you're a quadruped?"

"STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!" Leafeon snapped, smacking him over the head with her Pokéflute. Though he was now suffering from a concussion, Pichu finally managed to learn Leafeon's Song. In the same amount of time, Togetic was able to set up a bank account and read _Ethan Frome _several times.

"With this song, we'll be able to communicate with each other telepathically," Leafeon told Pichu. "Just don't be calling me after midnight. That's… uh… my personal time."

"Really? Does that have something to do with that stack of interesting-looking magazines next to you?"

"Okay, time to go," Leafeon said hastily, pushing him away. "But I hope you'll come back to the forest and visit. I feel that this place is going to be very important for both of us one day."

"Maybe that's because of the big Triforce symbol right next to you and the hugely conspicuous, important-looking doorway up there."

"We already _finished _the expository chapter," Togetic reminded him, dragging him away.

––

A few more hours of random wandering brought the duo to Kakariko Village. It looked a lot like Hyrule Castle Town, but a lot more boring.

"Welcome to Kakariko Village!" said the Sentret at the gate. "Umbreon founded this place for those of us who aren't fancy-pants enough to live in Castle Town. I hope you enjoy it here."

"Um, that's not very likely," said Pichu. "The most interesting thing here is a windmill."

"It's a _very _interesting windmill!" the Sentret pouted. "Anyway, we also have a bunch of buildings… and boxes… and rocks! Lots of rocks."

"I wonder if it's possible to die of boredom," Togetic groaned.

"Oh, well, we also have a boring graveyard full of boring ghosts and boring graves full of boring stuff you could steal, but it's pretty boring."

"A graveyard?" Pichu's ears pricked up.

"Yeah, but it's a boring graveyard."

"Even dead people would be more exciting than this place. Come on, Pichu," said Togetic, pulling him along. As they passed through the village, they came across a forlorn-looking Dratini sitting outside of an empty pen.

"Oh please, random scary-looking strangers, help me!" she pleaded as they passed by. "My Torchics have all flown off! Would you please find them for me?"

"Will you give me candy?"

"Sorry, all I have is this glass bottle."

"WHAT THE HELL WOULD I DO WITH THAT?"

"Well, I suppose you could… break it and stab people with it."

"Hey, great idea!" Pichu perked up instantly. "Let's go, Togetic!"

The two of them searched around the village for the missing Torchics before Pichu finally found one and cornered it in front of Umbreon's house.

"Okay Pichu, now remember, you have to be smarter than the Torchic," Togetic instructed as she stood back and watched.

"Yeah, no problem," Pichu assured her, turning to face the Torchic with his arms spread wide. "Heeeeere chicky chicky chicky… come here, you – AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" he screamed as it flew at him and began clawing at his face. As he continued wailing in agony and collapsed to the ground, the Torchic began squawking loudly and an entire flock of other Torchics appeared, swarming over Pichu and attacking him mercilessly.

"Now _this _is interesting," said Togetic, eating from her bag of popcorn.

"You found them!" Dratini cheered as she crawled up to them. "Thank you so much!"

Pichu appeared to be dead, so Togetic answered for him. "How did these guys get loose in the first place, anyway?"

"Oh, it's my fault, really. I'm allergic to Torchics."

Togetic's eye twitched again. "You're allergic to Torchics and you _raise them? _WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Oh, lots of things. I'm a klepto, for one thing. I actually stole all of them."

"Just give us the bottle," Togetic snapped, snatching it away from Dratini and dragging Pichu's corpse away.

––

"Well, here's the graveyard," said Togetic. "Kinda weird how it's raining here and not in the rest of the village."

"Cool! Let's go grave robbing!" cheered Pichu, who turned out to be not dead after all. Cackling insanely, he scampered over to one of the graves and began pulling out the headstone when a Duskull flew out of it and attacked him.

"WHO DARES DEFILE MY GRAVE?" it bellowed.

"Sorry, man. I just wanted to steal your stuff," said Pichu.

"Oh. Well in that case, you should probably check out the Royal Family's Tomb. They're loaded."

"Much obliged," said Pichu, turning and running toward the very back of the graveyard, where a large, ornate tombstone was standing with two smaller ones on either side.

"Well, this is interesting," said Togetic as she read one of the smaller ones. "It says here that the two composer brothers were hired by the royal family to compose a song that could control time. Like, turn day into night and vice versa."

"WHAT THE HELL? WHO TOLD YOU THAT?" roared the Duskull as it flew out of its grave.

"It says so right here," Togetic said flatly, pointing at his tombstone.

"Oh, so it does," remarked the ghost as it studied the tombstone. "Well, be that as it may, I can't allow you two to know our secret and LIVE!"

With a wicked laugh, it flew straight at Pichu and Togetic. Pichu thought fast and stabbed it in the forehead with his Leaf Blade just as it was upon him.

"AAAAUGH! YOU KILLED ME! AGAIN!" the ghost screamed as it fell to the ground, writhing in pain.

Pichu looked worried. "Geez, I'm sorry. I didn't want to kill anybody. I just wanted to break into the Royal Family's Tomb and steal all their stuff."

"Oh. Well in that case…" The Duskull straightened itself up. "I am Sharp the Elder of the composer brothers. The royal family hired me and my stupid brother Flat the Younger, who by the way, never had a girlfriend – "

"I HEARD THAT!" screamed Flat, sticking his head out of his grave. "You're just jealous because Mom _loved _me more!"

"…to compose a melody that could control the flow of time. Then just as we finished, they murdered both of us and used the song to cheat on horse races and stuff. So if you want to loot their graves, that's fine by me."

"Hey! Quit ignoring me!" Flat snarled as he flew over to his brother. "If you're gonna make fun of my personal life, then do it to my _face_, ya punk!"

"If you want to get into the tomb, just play the song of the royal family in front of it," Sharp offhandedly told Pichu before turning to Flat. "Okay, I will. You're stupid and unattractive and you smell funny. Oh, and remember when Mom told you your pet Goldeen ran away? That was a lie. I killed it."

"YOU KILLED SHANEQUA? THAT DOES IT!"

As the two ghosts got into a slap fight, Pichu and Togetic stood in front of the massive tombstone.

"Here goes nothing, I guess," said Pichu, taking out his flute and playing Eevee's Lullaby. The tombstone exploded.

"AWESOME! I can blow stuff up with my mind!" Pichu exclaimed. The two of them dropped into the tomb through the hole that had appeared in the ground.

"Well, this sucks. I don't see any treasure," Pichu pouted as they passed through the dark, cavernous chamber with skeletons littering the ground and Zubats flying around. They entered a different room, only for Togetic to cry out in shock as she saw it was filled with Dusclops.

"I've heard of these things," she said. "Pichu, whatever you do, don't go anywhere near them. Got it?"

Pichu didn't answer. A Dusclops had latched onto him and was sucking his brains out.

Togetic sighed, picked up a rock and started beating the Dusclops over the head until it let go of him.

"Who are you?" Pichu slurred as Togetic pulled him into the next room.

"Hey, look at this," Togetic remarked once the door had shut behind them. The room was empty except for a large stone slab with writing engraved in it. Pichu walked up and examined it.

"Cool! It's a poem!"

"Really? What does it say?"

"'There once was a man from Nantucket – '"

"Okay, skip that. What else is there?"

"Well, it looks like somebody scribbled some musical notes on here," said Pichu, crouching down to look at them. "And it says 'Keep the Sun's Song in your heart'."

"So what do you think you should do?"

Pichu folded his arms and thought for a long time before it seemed to dawn on him.

"I know! I'll get out my bongos!"

Togetic resisted the urge to strangle him. "You don't _have _bongos."

"Oh, well, then I'll get out that one thing I have," said Pichu, withdrawing his Pokéflute and playing the Sun's Song.


	8. The Morons in Goron City

Pichu and Togetic climbed out of the grave to find that the Sun's Song had turned it into night, and now the gravekeeper, a Slaking, was marching up and down the rows of gravestones.

"Well, hello there," he said to Pichu, not looking too concerned that he had just come crawling out of a tomb. "I'm Dampé the gravekeeper. I don't get many visitors, but as long as you're here, can I interest you in the Heart-Pounding Gravedigging Tour? For just ten Rupees I'll dig up this patch of dirt and you can have whatever I find."

Pichu looked up at his companion. "Can I, Togetic?"

"Fine. Just don't flip out if you don't win."

Pichu paid Dampé the ten Rupees and the gravekeeper dug his shovel into the ground, unearthing a large pile of dirt and leaving a wide hole.

"Nope! Nothin'!"

Pichu flew into a berserker rage that culminated in him ripping out Dampé's heart and eating it.

Togetic looked impressed. "You might have to teach me that."

––

The two of them spent the night at an inn in Kakariko, and the next morning they were all ready to begin the journey up Death Mountain. Well, almost ready.

"I'm sorry, but I can't allow you through," said the Sentret at the gate that led to the mountain trail.

"Aw, come on! Why not?"

"Why do you think? It's a friggin' active volcano! You need clearance from the king to get through here!"

"Well, he's got a letter from Princess Eevee," Togetic said matter-of-factly. "That should be just as good."

"Uh, no I don't. I sold it the minute we left the castle, remember? For EIGHT WHOLE RUPEES!"

"Oh, that's right. I was banging my head against the wall so hard I must have lost the memory."

"Whatever. The point is, you don't have clearance," the Sentret said firmly, folding his arms. "And therefore you can't get through."

Pichu pondered this for a moment before ripping the Sentret's heart out and eating it.

"Just don't make a habit of that," Togetic warned as they headed through the gate.

Death Mountain Trail was long, winding, and steep, and it took them a long time to make their way up. After a while, though, they discovered that they weren't the only ones on the trail.

"Huh? Hey, who are you guys?" asked a Pokémon as they passed by him.

"Woah!" Pichu leapt back in shock. "That thing's a Pokémon? I thought it was a rock!"

"Pichu, that's a Growlithe. It looks nothing like a rock."

"I've never seen you two around. Where are you headed?" said the Growlithe.

"We're looking for the Fire Stone," Togetic said decisively before Pichu could say anything stupid. "We're on official Hyrule-saving business and whatnot."

"Oh. Well, you'll find the Fire Stone up ahead in Goron City, where us Fire-types live. I don't know if our leader will be too keen on parting with it, though."

"Why not?"

"'Cause it's damn tasty, that's why."

Togetic gave him an odd look. "You guys eat _rocks? _Why?"

"You'd be surprised. It's a huge hit with the ladies."

Togetic was getting weirded out, and so pulled Pichu away from him and further up the mountain. Finally, they came across a path that diverged from the main trail and led to a wide doorway in the mountainside.

"I guess this is Goron City," Togetic remarked as they walked through. As it turned out, Goron City was a massive circular chamber several stories high, with a wide open space in the middle and pathways circling the edge. There were many Fire-types wandering around that Pichu and Togetic had never seen, but their eyes were drawn to the small platform that was suspended high above the ground by four flimsy-looking ropes.

"I betcha the Fire Stone is right on that pedestal. Let's go!" said Togetic, flying over to it. Pichu tried to follow, but had to walk across one of the ropes and wasn't too thrilled about it.

"Togetic, I'm scared," he whimpered.

"You can make it, Pichu," Togetic called back. "Just don't look down and ignore the fact that you're standing on a rope at least a hundred feet above the hard stone ground."

"What? I'm – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH_OOOMPH!_"

"I told you not to look down!" Togetic shouted down at him.

"Listen, buddy, may I suggest cyanide instead of jumping? It's a lot more pleasant for the rest of us," griped a Magmar who had been walking past when Pichu landed.

"I'M NOT SUICIDAL!" Pichu snapped, leaping to his feet and climbing up the flights of stairs all the way back to the top. "Okay, I'm gonna try this again."

"Yep. Just try and forget that the next fall will probably kill you."

"Togetic, would you shAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

Three attempts later, suffering from several broken bones and massive internal bleeding, Pichu finally crawled onto the platform, but the pedestal where the Fire Stone normally sat was empty.

"_Oh come on! Where is it?_"

"Big Brother took it away," pouted the Chimchar standing on the platform next to him. "He shut himself in his room with it."

Now it was Pichu's turn to have his eye twitch. "Togetic, why didn't you _tell me?_"

"You didn't ask. And it was really funny to watch."

"Okay, dude, how do we talk to your leader?" Pichu grudgingly asked the Chimchar.

"Well, he won't come out of his room for anybody but the messenger of the royal family. At least that's what he said. His room's on the bottom floor, by the way."

Pichu peered over the edge of the platform down to the room he was pointing out. "Looks like you'll have to fly me down, T-money."

"Or you could always just think about how incredibly far down it is."

"Oh geez…"

Pichu had another painful landing, Togetic flew down after him, and they both headed over to the shut-up door.

"Their leader's only going to open the door for the royal family's messenger. I guess you'd better do something that shows your connection with them. Like, play a song or something," Togetic hinted strongly.

"Ohhhh, I gotcha," Pichu said with a wink. He whipped out his Pokéflute and played Chopsticks until Togetic punched him in the face and sent him flying into the wall, grabbed the flute out of his hands and played Eevee's Lullaby.

"What? Enter!" came a voice from inside the room, and the door pulled up. Pichu and Togetic walked in to find a very sour-looking Pokémon pouting in the middle of the room. He didn't look much happier when he saw them.

"What the hell is this?" he demanded. "You're not the messenger of the royal family! You're just a fat ugly Pichu!"

"Don't forget my hate-filled Togetic."

"Have I, the great Flareon, really lost so much status that the king thinks he can send a smelly little kid in here? Well, forget it! I'm not speaking to you."

"Aw, somebody needs a hug."

"What I _need _is some Prozac! So unless you've got some of that, I'm not interested!" Flareon snapped, smacking Pichu upside the head and sending him flying back several feet.

"Now what do we do?" Pichu whispered to Togetic.

"Have him smack you again. That was funny."

"What? No! – Look, Flarey-dude, I don't know why you're all upset, but usually listening to music makes me feel better. Maybe this'll help."

"Finally, you come up with a good idea," Togetic sighed. She broke into a grimace when she realized he was playing the Chicken Dance.

"That doesn't cheer me up. It just makes me want to kill you more."

"Try _this_," said Togetic, snatching up the Pokéflute and playing Leafeon's Song.

As Flareon heard the song, he perked up instantly. "Oh! Oh-oh! What a _hot beat!_" he exclaimed and began dancing around insanely. "WHOOOOAH! YEEEEAH! YAHOOO!"

When he finally calmed down, he noticed he had knocked over a torch and set the entire room on fire. Pichu and Togetic were huddled in a corner and screaming in fear.

"Oh, sorry about that," said Flareon, stomping out all the fire. "Wow! That was even better than Prozac! All of a sudden I just wanted to dance like crazy!"

"Good for you," coughed Pichu. "Can we have the Fire Stone now?"

"Oh, by the way, I'm Flareon. Big boss of the Fire-types!"

"Yeah, we don't care. We just want the Fire Stone."

"What? Why would I give you that?"

"We need it to save the world from a big evil cat."

Flareon's expression grew dark. "You mean Mewtwo?"

Togetic looked up from Pichu, whom she was about to smack. "Wait – you've heard of him?"

"Of course! Mewtwo is the reason we're all starving! He caused our massive food shortage!"

"Wait… I thought you guys ate rocks."

"Rocks are hard to come by!"

"You guys live in a big _cave_. In a _volcano_."

"Yes, but see, we only eat the rocks in Tyranitar's Cavern. You probably passed it on your way up. Thing is, Mewtwo sealed it up with a huge boulder when I wouldn't give him the Fire Stone."

Togetic raised an eyebrow. "So you're saying you endangered the lives of every single person here so you could keep your shiny red rock?"

"Don't judge me!"

Pichu and Togetic exchanged a glance. "So, if we get rid of the boulder you'll give us the Fire Stone?" asked Pichu.

"Hang on. If you really want it so bad, why don't you go destroy all the Tyranitars in the cavern and prove you're a real man?"

Togetic doubled over laughing. "Pichu? A _man?_ Oh, that's rich!"

"Hey! I'm _all _man!" Pichu snapped. "Flareon, you got a deal!"

"Um… I'm over here. You're talking to a plant."

"Not again," Pichu groaned.


	9. Fun with Exploding Larvitars

"Pichu, how exactly were you _planning_ on blowing up a huge boulder and beating a bunch of monsters dozens of times your size?" Togetic asked as they left Goron City.

"I'm hoping dumb luck pulls through for me again," Pichu admitted. "Hey, what's over here?"

They walked over to a ledge directly above Tyranitar's Cavern where a Combusken was standing over a bunch of eggs.

"Funky fresh! I'm hungry!" Pichu exclaimed, running up to one of the eggs and gnawing on it.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" the Combusken cried, smacking Pichu away. "Those are Tyranitar eggs, you ugly midget! They're highly sensitive!"

"And you're highly obnoxious," Pichu flipped her off.

"I'm serious! I'm guarding these things so no one does anything stupid with them! You see, Tyranitar eggs have a tendency to… combusk."

"I think you mean _combust_," said Togetic.

"I meant what I said."

"So, wait…" Pichu mulled this over. "You're saying if we lobbed one of these at something… it'd blow up?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, even the slightest provocation could – "

_**PHFOOOOOOOOOOM!**_

All three of them were left standing in a smoldering crater.

"That… was… AWESOME!" Pichu shrieked. "I just _poked _one and… KABLOOIE!" He cackled insanely and began dancing around in a circle.

"Dear Suicune, you gave him _explosives_," Togetic moaned, covering her face in her hands. "We're all gonna die."

––

"Okay. Time to test my theory," said Pichu. He and Togetic were standing right in front of the boulder on Death Mountain Trail that was currently blocking off the entrance to Tyranitar's Cavern. As he spoke, he pulled out one of the eggs and placed it on the ground.

"Pichu, you actually thought of a way to get inside? I'm impr – "

_**PHFOOOOOOOOOOM!**_

"Yep! Even the twentieth time, it's still awesome!" Pichu snickered.

"Pichu, have you considered throwing one of those things at the boulder and blowing it up?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"JUST THROW THE STUPID EGG!"

"Okay, okay," Pichu grumbled, pulling out another egg and hurling it directly at the boulder. There was another deafening explosion as the massive stone was blown apart, pieces of rock flying past them.

"Wow! It worked! I'm a genius!"

"Pichu, I believe in an incredibly strange, circuitous way, you just learned Egg Bomb."

––

Tyranitar's Cavern was very huge, very dark, and, as they soon came to find, very full of magma. There was a large pit in the main central chamber whose floor was covered in molten rock.

"Okay Pichu, this place looks pretty dangerous. So let's get this over with fast before you do something idiotic that will get you killed."

"What was that?" asked Pichu, who was splashing around in the magma.

"See, that's exactly what I'm talking about," said Togetic, yanking him out.

They hopped across a series of stone platforms and entered a darkened room when a bunch of small green Pokémon came burrowing up from underground.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Pichu screamed, grabbing his Leaf Blade and frantically whacking them over the head as they swarmed over him.

"Those are Larvitars, Tyranitar's unevolved form. Don't hit them like that, they blow up when they die."

Pichu froze mid-whack. "Wha – "

_**PHFOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**_

"AAAAAAHHH! MY SKIN!" Pichu fell to the ground twitching in agony.

"Y'know, those things would actually make really good ammunition. Let's bring some with."

Togetic flew up to the door and saw there was a portcullis over it. "I guess we have to figure out some sort of puzzle that will open the door for us," she mused.

"Screw that," said Pichu, lobbing several dozen Larvitars at the door until it completely blew in.

"Hey! Stop blowing up my brothers and sisters like that! You're so mean!" whimpered an adorable baby Larvitar.

"Okay, you're next," said Pichu, grabbing it and dragging it through the door. They were standing on a rock island surrounded by a lake of lava.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" came an evil cackle as two Grovyles dropped down in front of them. "You have entered our secret evil lair! Now you shall DIE!"

"Wait a minute," said Togetic. "You guys are Grass-types."

"Yeah?"

"In a volcano."

"Uh-huh."

"You're _Grass-types. _In a _volcano_."

"You goin' somewhere with this?"

Togetic let out a sigh before shoving them both into the lava where they screamed and died instantly.

In the next room, Pichu and Togetic let out gasps of fright. A bunch of enormous Tyranitars were stomping around the area.

"Daddy!" cheered the baby Larvitar.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about you," said Pichu, hurling it directly at the nearest Tyranitar.

"Wait! What are you – AAAAAAAAHHH!" it screamed as it exploded.

"How the hell was _that _supposed to help?" asked Togetic.

"Isn't it obvious? Now the adults will be too sad to fight, and we can beat them!"

The Tyranitar swiveled its head around to them. "Did you just KILL JIMMY?" it bellowed. "YOU HORRIBLE BASTARD! PREPARE TO DIE SLOWLY AND HORRIBLY!"

"I hate you," said Togetic as she and Pichu ran for their lives.

––

After further exploring and stuff that really doesn't need to be elaborated on, they came across another lava-filled chamber with a rock island. Pichu and Togetic were shocked to see the same Grovyles from before, who were now severely burned and heavily bandaged, drop down and attack them.

"Didn't I kill you two already?" Togetic asked irritably.

"Not likely! We used a little thing called STEROIDS, b#tch!" snarled one of them. "This time you're _really _gonna die!"

Togetic started sweating. "Uh… kill him. He told me to do it." She pointed at Pichu.

"Oh, fine then. Time to brutally murder a defenseless child!"

"I HATE YOU TOGETIC!" Pichu screamed as the Grovyles chased him around. As they ran past Togetic she casually flipped them over into the lava where they screamed and died a second time.

"Sorry. I needed a distraction."

"I'm telling my therapist about this."

––

After working his way through the rest of the cavern, following a carefully laid strategy that can roughly be described as "Bomb everything that moves", Pichu somehow managed to open the door leading to the inner part of the cavern, where another puzzle was waiting for him.

"Boy, that's weird," he observed, looking at the flapping balls of flame circling above his head. "I didn't know there was such thing as _Fire _Zubats."

"Um, there isn't. Those are regular Zubats that are on fire."

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! IT BUUUUUUUUUURNS!**" shrieked one of the Zubats, crashing into Pichu and setting him on fire. Pichu spent the next fifteen minutes screaming and frantically rolling around, unknowingly burning down the locked door in the process.

"Am I dead?" he panted after finally putting the fire out.

Togetic bent over to examine him. "No, but the left side of your face is burnt off."

"**RACHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!**" Pichu howled deliriously as Togetic shoved him through the door.

––

"Y'know Pichu, I've been thinking," said Togetic as they walked into the ominously empty room beyond. "Those Tyranitars aren't smart enough to have taken over this place by themselves. I don't think they're behind all this."

"What are you saying?"

"I think Mewtwo is leading them. Either that, or he recruited some other Pokémon to do it. Something even bigger, scarier, and deadlier than a Tyranitar."

Pichu looked exasperated. "Togetic, why do you wait to tell me this until we're standing over what is _very clearly _the Boss Chamber?" he demanded, jabbing his finger at the Dungeon Map which showed a huge room with a big evil skull surrounded by crudely drawn corpses directly beneath where they were standing.

"I reveal things as the plot demands. Now just blow up the floor."

Pichu used Egg Bomb on the floor, which exploded to reveal a massive, volcanic chamber beneath it. Togetic flew down while Pichu fell over a hundred feet and landed on his face.

"That was incredibly painful."

"Oh suck it up you baby. Just start looking for the boss."

"I think I found him," said Pichu, who was currently face to face with an enormous, red Pokémon with razor sharp claws and fangs. Said Pokémon then reared back its massive head and roared loudly enough that the entire room shook.

"Hi! Can I call you Bob?" asked Pichu.

"I'M &*?#ING GROUDON, B#TCH!" roared Bob. "AND NOW I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"


	10. Togetic Gets Character Development

**A/N: **Thanks for all the reviews, everyone! I really appreciate it!

––

"Why do bosses feel the need to shout everything?" Pichu groaned, covering his ears.

Groudon used Rollout! "TIME TO FLATTEN YOUR FAT ASS!" it bellowed, curling up into a ball and rolling around the periphery of the room, missing Pichu entirely. He and Togetic watched nonchalantly.

"Is this supposed to be threatening?" asked Togetic.

"HEY, NO FAIR! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO STAND IN FRONT OF ME SO I CAN HIT YOU!" Groudon uncurled itself. "OH, JUST SCREW IT! HERE'S FLAMETHROWER!"

"See ya," Togetic said quickly, flying to safety just as Pichu was barbequed by a horrific blast of fire.

"CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING USEFUL?" Pichu screamed at her from where he lay twitching on the floor.

"That wasn't part of the job description. But I would recommend throwing those eggs at it."

"Okay, okay!" Pichu grabbed an Egg Bomb and hurled it into Groudon's open mouth just as it was preparing another Flamethrower.

**_PHFOOOOOOOOM!_**

"AAAAUGHHHH! MY HEART!"

"Awesome!" Pichu cheered, racing up to where it was now laying stunned.

Pichu used Leaf Blade! "EAT THIS, FATTY!" he screamed, repeatedly slashing Groudon with all his might.

Groudon just looked at him. "Wait a minute. I'm the biggest freaking Pokémon in existence and you're trying to attack me with a _leaf? _Are you retarded or something?"

"May I answer that?" Togetic piped up.

Pichu sweatdropped. "This isn't working out like I planned."

"ENOUGH OF THIS STUPIDITY! NOW YOU DIE!"

"YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Pichu shrieked as he stupidly ran directly into the boiling lava pit in the middle of the room, Groudon chasing after him. Togetic sighed deeply and pulled Pichu out of the lava, while Groudon wasn't so lucky.

"DAMMIT! I FORGOT THAT I'M INEXPLICABLY WEAK AGAINST LAVA!" he screamed as he burned up and died.

"Well whaddaya know. He was an idiot too," remarked Togetic. "How you holding up, Pichu?"

"My skin is melting."

"At least you won, technically. Now let's get out of here."

As the lava cooled and hardened, Pichu and Togetic landed and walked into another Shining Blue Portal Whose Convenient Appearance You're Not Supposed to Question. They teleported out in a blaze of light and materialized in front of the entrance to Tyranitar's Cavern.

"Where is everybody?" wondered Pichu.

"LOOK OUT BELOOOOOOOOOOW!" came a voice from above them. Pichu and Togetic looked up, screamed and dived out of the way just as Flareon came crashing down between them. There were four very loud cracks as he landed.

"OH SH#T! MY ANKLES!" he bellowed as he keeled over in pain.

"Why the hell did you jump down from all the way up there?" asked Togetic.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, Pichu, it seems I was wrong about you. Mewtwo threatened us with starvation if I didn't give him the Fire Stone, while you, on the other hand, risked your life to help us!"

"Only because you threatened to kill everyone I love if I didn't."

"Shut up. Anyway, how's about you and I become sworn brothers?"

"'Sworn brothers'? Does that mean I get to swear a lot?"

"As much as you &*?#ing want. It also means you get this," Flareon declared, producing a shining red stone and holding it out to Pichu.

_Pichu receieved the Fire Stone! He also appears to have entered into some sort of satanic pact with Flareon, but who cares? Now he has two Spiritual Stones! How the hell he managed that, we'll never know!_

"Sweet!" Togetic cheered. "That means we only have one Spiritual Stone left to find, and then I can get my ass out of here!"

"Yep! And it also means we can eat as many rocks as we want now, all thanks to you!" said Flareon, hugging Pichu extremely tightly. "Thank you so much!"

"Lungs… collapsing…"

"I guess this means we should be off," said Togetic as Pichu frantically attempted to gnaw his way out of Flareon's grip.

"Well before you leave Death Mountain, you should travel up to the crater and see the Great Fairy. She'll probably have a gift for you," said Flareon, depositing the twitching Pichu on the ground. "But one last thing before you go. I know the others all want to give you goodbye hugs too!"

Pichu sat up in horror. "WHAT?"

"Come on down, everyone!" Flareon shouted up, and suddenly the air was filled with screams as dozens of Fire-types came crashing down around him, then howling in pain as their ankles broke.

"Flareon, why can't we just use the escalator?" Growlithe snapped.

"Because I said so. Okay everyone, let's all give our sworn brother a big hug!"

"I CHANGED MY MIND! I'LL TAKE GROUDON!" Pichu shrieked as he ran away from the oncoming Fire-types as fast as he could. Togetic just snickered.

"And while we're at it, let's sex up that hot-looking Togetic!"

"WAIT FOR ME PICHU!" Togetic screamed as she flew after him.

––

"Okay, I think this is the place Flareon was talking about," said Pichu as they reached the summit of the mountain. He used Egg Bomb on a rock wall, revealing a tunnel into a dimly lit chamber with shining walls and a pond in the middle.

"Y'know, I've heard of the Great Fairies," Togetic pondered as they walked in. "I always thought they were bad, because everyone who lays eyes on them dies of fright. I wonder why?"

"I dunno," Pichu said dumbly before playing Eevee's Lullaby before the Triforce insignia on the floor. Suddenly there came a low laugh which escalated into an earsplitting, shrieking cackle as a Togekiss wearing a bikini and obscene amounts of mascara came rising up from the pond.

"Oh. That's why," said Pichu. Togetic just hovered there with her eyes bulging and twitching.

"Welcome Pichu! I'm here to teach you a new attack!"

"Hey Togetic, that's what you evolve into, isn't it?" Pichu said brightly.

"Don't remind me. Please, for the love of Suicune, don't remind me."

"Listen carefully, Pichu. I want you to spin around once," said the Togekiss.

"Uh, okay," said Pichu, doing just that.

"Congratulations. You just learned Rapid Spin."

Togetic totally snapped. "YOU RAPED MY EYEBALLS JUST FOR _THAT?_" she screamed. "LIKE I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH FREUDIAN ISSUES ALREADY!"

"My my my. For a Togetic, you're not very happy."

"I'M ABOUT TO GET **_STAB-HAPPY!_**" Togetic shrieked, grabbing Pichu's Leaf Blade and hurling herself at the Togekiss. But she had already vanished.

"Uh, T-money, I think we should go," Pichu said uneasily, dragging her out as she continued screaming. By the time they got back outside, she was sobbing.

"Togetic, did you forget to take your pills?" Pichu chided.

"No! I just saw a horrific vision of my own future! I don't want to go around inexplicably wearing a bikini and being _happy _like that!" she cried.

"Aw, that's not gonna happen," Pichu said encouragingly. "You're never gonna be happy. You'll always be the scary, world-hating Togetic I know."

"Really?" Togetic sniffed and actually smiled a little. "Thanks, Pichu. That actually made me feel a lot better."

"Hoo hoo! Up here, you two!" came Noctowl's voice.

"Well, that didn't last," Togetic grumbled.

"I told you you couldn't get rid of me! Not even by ripping my freaking wings off!" Noctowl growled at her. "Well Pichu, it looks like you've already grown up a little since I saw you last."

"You just saw me yesterday, stupid."

"Actually more recently than that, what with my webcam and all. Anyway, do you want a ride down the mountain?"

"Not from you! You don't even have wings!"

"But I'll… give you a shiny new toy. Yeah, that's it."

"Forget it. Togetic's gonna fly me down. Right, T-money?"

"I guess my dignity can suffer one blow."

––

"Wait a minute," said the Sentret guarding the gate to Kakariko. "You're telling me he ripped the guy's heart out and _ate _it?"

"Yep. Which means he _must _be the one. Only the Hero of Time could have the power to do that," Umbreon replied.

"I dunno. He just seemed like an idiot to me."

"Of course he's an idiot, you idiot. But the fate of all Hyrule depends on him, which means we have to help him however we can," Umbreon said firmly. "Now go back and keep doing your job. And if you see anything weird, tell me."

At that very moment, Togetic came flying out of the gate with Pichu riding on her back as he hurled a volley of exploding eggs at the wingless Noctowl hopping after them.

"YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME!" screamed Noctowl.

"YOU'LL NEVER MOLEST ME! _NEVER!_" screamed Pichu.

"…Was that weird?"

"No. _That_ never happened."


	11. Zora's X Rated Domain

**A/N**: Oh man, I know it's WAY too early along in the story to be thinking about this, but I'm already excited about the idea of writing a sequel. Y'know, like a Majora's Mask parody. I probably wouldn't get to it until next year, but what do you think? Would you read it?

––

Togetic opted to wait outside as Pichu blew up the entrance to the next Great Fairy Fountain, just outside of Castle Town.

"Well, what did _this _freak of nature teach you?" she asked as he came walking out.

"Something called Flame Wheel. Isn't that awesome? Now I can use a Fire attack!" he cheered. "I can't wait to use it to mercilessly barbecue my enemies!"

"Yeah. Have fun doing that at the bottom of an enormous lake. That's where we're going next."

Pichu's ears drooped. "Why does my life suck?"

"You think _your _life sucks? Try living with you."

"I'm gonna see where Leafeon thinks I should go," Pichu said matter-of-factly, taking out his Pokéflute. "Uh…"

"You forgot how the song goes, didn't you."

"No I didn't!" Pichu snapped, starting to play the Hamsterdance. Togetic grabbed the flute, whacked him over the head with it, and played Leafeon's Song.

"Pichu…? This is Leafeon. Can you hear me?" came a disembodied voice.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH! LEAFEON'S A GHOST!" Pichu screamed, running around in circles and sticking his head into the ground.

"We want to know where the third Spiritual Stone is," Togetic said flatly.

"You're looking for Spiritual Stones?" said Leafeon. "Ooh! I heard the Grass-types of Kokiri Forest have one!"

Togetic facepalmed and turned to Pichu's upturned butt. "Nice going, genius. Your stupid rubbed off on her!"

"Oh, and the Fire-types of Goron City have one too," said Leafeon.

"We _know_. We have that one already."

"…Did I mention the Grass-types have one?"

"LISTEN YOU! TELL US WHERE THE THIRD STONE IS OR I'LL RECOMMEND YOU TO AN INTERNET-STALKING NOCTOWL WHO REALLY REALLY LIKES LITTLE KIDS!"

"OKAY! OKAY! I think the Water-types of Zora's Domain have the last Spiritual Stone," Leafeon whimpered as Pichu pulled his head out of the ground.

"Great. Hear that, Pichu?"

"I have dirt up my nose," Pichu said proudly.

––

"All we have to do to get to Zora's Domain is follow Zora's River," Togetic said as they walked along the riverbank. "I just hope we don't run into any trouble, like – "

"Hoo hoo! Pichu, look up – "

Togetic used .38 Caliber Shotgun! "**I'M READY FOR YOU THIS TIME YOU STALKING BASTARD!**"

Pichu used Flame Wheel! "**KAMEHAMEHAAAAAAAAAAA!**"

"Nice job, but work on your battle cry," Togetic advised as they walked past Noctowl's smoldering and bullet-riddled corpse. They hadn't gotten much farther before an Octillery stuck its head out of the water.

"WHAT THA HELL YOU MOFOS DOIN' IN MY RIVER?" it demanded.

"We're just trying to get to Zora's Domain," Togetic said defensively. "Pichu, you better watch out. This Octillery has colors."

"Yeah? So _what? _Whatchoo doin', talkin' smack about tha South Side?" Octillery shouted, pulling out a prison knife. "You best tell that fat yellow dude to stay the _&*?#_ away from my river or else he can kiss his face goodbye, you hear?"

"Yeah, yeah. Pichu, this guy says to – WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

Pichu looked up from where he was peeing in the river. "What? What'd I do?"

Octillery used Octazooka! "**OCTAZOOKAAAAAAAAAAAA!**"

"My battle cry is better!" Pichu shouted as he and Togetic ran away.

––

Eventually they came to a waterfall with a Triforce on the ground in front of it. Pichu tried to remember Eevee's Lullaby, but after two hours of successive failures Togetic finally threw him through the waterfall and flew in after him.

"Wow! Zora's Domain is beautiful!" said Pichu, who was facing a wall. Togetic sighed and turned him around.

"Wow! Now it's even more beautiful!"

As it turned out, Zora's Domain was a huge cavern filled with water and even with a waterfall. All kinds of Water-types were splashing around, and for some reason most of them were wearing bikinis.

"Hi there! Welcome to Zora's Domain!" said a Quagsire who had swum up next to them. "Care to enter our bikini contest? Right now we're filming for _Wet & Wild Water-types IV_!"

Pichu looked uneasy. "Uh… I don't think I'm old enough to watch movies like that."

"So?"

"Hmm. You make a good argument."

Togetic shoved Pichu out of the way. "We're here for your Spiritual Stone, dipwad. We're saving the world, which, believe it or not, is more important than porn."

"_WHAT?_" gasped everyone in the area.

"Did she just say something's more important than porn?"

"KILL HER!"

"WE'RE STILL FILMING! KILL HER EROTICALLY!" the Quagsire shouted as the mob chased after the screaming Togetic. Pichu started whistling innocently and ducked out of the way by walking up a flight of stairs, which led to a large throne room.

"WHO ARE YOU?" boomed the very large Swampert sitting in the room, who was the king by the way.

Pichu thought quickly. "I'm your son! Don't you remember me?"

"Umm, no… but you look exactly like me, so I guess you must be telling the truth."

"Damn straight. Now can I have the Water Stone?"

King Swampert looked confused. "The what?"

"Isn't that what your Spiritual Stone is called?"

"No. What gave you that idea? Our Spiritual Stone is called François."

Just then, a heavily bleeding and panting Togetic came clawing her way into the room. "That was the most erotic attempt on my life I've ever had!" she whimpered. "Oh, Pichu, I found out the king doesn't have the Spiritual Stone. Apparently it belongs to his daughter."

King Swampert looked stunned. "Wait – I have a daughter too? Why doesn't anyone tell me this?"

"Can't you tell us where she is?" Pichu asked hopefully.

"No! I don't even remember where _I _am! And who the hell are you two?"

"Forget it, Pichu. I don't think he's gonna help," Togetic muttered, pulling him away. They walked down a tunnel that ended at a huge dropoff leading straight down to the bottom floor where they had been before.

"I wonder what he's looking at," said Togetic, referring to the Wartortle who was standing on the ledge and looking through a pair of binoculars.

"Ohhhh man… ohhhh man… that's so hot… ohhhh yeah… keep doing it…" he said.

"Never mind."

"Oh, hey there," the Wartortle said as he noticed them. "Listen, can you do me a favor? I've been standing here for a long time and I kinda accidentally dropped my money in the water down there. Think you can dive in and get it for me?"

"Sure thing!" said Pichu. He slowly backed up, then made a running start and hurled himself headfirst off the ledge in a graceful swan dive… and impaled himself on a big pointy rock sticking out of the water.

"OWWW! MY STOMACH LINING!"

"Hmm… I guess diving's out of the question now," Togetic remarked as she floated down next to him. "How else can we get that guy's money?"

"I hear porno movies pay pretty well," Pichu said weakly.

––

"Oh, oh, Ricardo, you're so bad," Togetic read expressionlessly from the script she was holding. "Keep those naughty tentacles away from me."

"But baby, I can't control them when I'm around you," boomed a large Tentacruel wearing a thong.

Togetic groaned and turned away. "I'm sorry, but did you really need to put on so much canola oil?"

_––_

_Ten minutes later…_

"_There! _Here's your damn money!" Togetic shouted, throwing a handful of Rupees at the Wartortle. "We better get a freaking good reward for this!"

"Hmm… well, all I have is this HM," he said, handing it to Pichu. "I guess you can use Dive now."

"Dive? What is he supposed to do with that?"

"Hey Togetic, look what I found using Dive!" said a dripping wet Pichu, holding up a bottle with a rolled-up piece of paper inside.

Togetic did a double take. "Wait – did you – you were just – never mind. Let me see that."

They opened the bottle and pulled out the note. Pichu read it out loud.

"To whoever finds this note, I have been swallowed by Wailord and am extremely pissed about it, so don't just stand there, come and freaking save me you dumbass. Seriously, WHY HAVEN'T YOU SAVED ME YET? YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS INSUBORDINATION! Signed, Princess Vaporeon. P.S. Don't tell my dad or I'll cut you."

"She sounds nice," Togetic remarked.

Pichu looked confused. "No she doesn't. She sounds like you."

"The concept of sarcasm escapes you, doesn't it?"

"Many things escape me."


	12. Hot Pichu on Wailord Action

"OH NOES! MY DAUGHTER WHOM I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD UNTIL NOW HAS BEEN SWALLOWED BY OUR DEITY LORD WAILORD! **THIS SUCKS!**" cried King Swampert.

"'Lord Wailord'?" Isn't that kinda redundant?" said Pichu.

"So is 'Stupid Pichu', but I still say it," said Togetic.

King Swampert stopped pacing and thrust his finger at Pichu. "You! Go save your sister right now or I'll RIP OUT YOUR INTESTINES AND STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM!"

"What? You can't do that to your son!"

Togetic looked weirded out. "'Your son'? Pichu, is there something you haven't told me?"

"HAVE SEX WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND LATER! GO SAVE MY FREAKING DAUGHTER!"

"Wait a minute – won't this require getting _eaten?_" asked Togetic.

"Well duh," said the king.

"Thanks for being so compassionate," Togetic grumbled.

"Now look, Wailord is in Zora's Fountain out back, but he only opens his mouth when we sacrifice a beautiful maiden to him."

"Well that rules you out, T-money," said Pichu. "Now what do we do?"

––

"Yooooo hooooo, Waaaaaaaaaailooooooooooord," Pichu crooned in a high pitched voice. He was standing in front of Wailord wearing a kimono and holding a fan over his face.

"This is funnier anyway," said Togetic, snapping incriminating photos of him.

Wailord opened his eyes. "Excellent! The Water-types have sacrificed to me another fair maiden to be my love slave!"

Pichu's eyes bulged. "**BUH?**"

"The mechanics of that would be mind-boggling," Togetic remarked.

"No, Mister Wailord, sir, I just wanted you to eat me!" Pichu tried to explain.

"Oh, brushing me off, are you? That tramp Princess Vaporeon did the same thing! Know what I did to her? I ATE HER!"

"Yeah, that's kind of what I'm getting at here."

"SHUT UP WHORE! GET IN MAH BELLEH!"

He opened his mouth and sucked Pichu and Togetic inside. No! I mean, yay!

––

"I believe we've reached a new level of disgusting," Togetic groaned as they found themselves in Wailord's mouth.

"Say that again?" said Pichu, who was splashing around in an unidentifiable liquid. Togetic dragged him through a door, deciding not to question what the hell a door was doing in the body of a whale, and they walked into a room with a bunch of sucky whirlpool things in the floor.

"Pichu, look over there!"

Togetic was pointing at a small blue Pokémon glaring at them from across the room. She was about Pichu's age, so like Leafeon she was barely bigger than an Eevee.

"The hell? Who are you people?" she demanded as she marched up to them.

Pichu thought quickly again. "I'm your son! Don't you remember me?"

"No you're not," Togetic reminded him. "You're her brother. Except you're not really that either."

"What the frack are you talking about? Did my father send you to rescue me?" Vaporeon snapped.

"Yes," said Pichu. Togetic smacked him. "No."

"Well for your information, I don't want to be rescued! I'm not leaving until I find my beloved François!"

Pichu got nervous. "But your princessyness, your dad is gonna pwn me if I don't bring you back."

"Forget it! I refuse to be rescued by a man in a dress!"

Pichu realized he was still wearing his kimono. "Uh… I can explain."

"Just leave me alone," Vaporeon ordered sternly before turning around and walking directly into a whirlpool thingy three inches away.

"OOOOOOOH NOOOOOO!" she screamed as she was sucked away.

"Seriously. It's like you _radiate _stupid," Togetic said to Pichu.

They reluctantly followed after her and got sucked down into another floor.

"You again? Do I have to get out my stun gun?" Vaporeon warned.

"Sorry princess," said Pichu, "I'm just worried about my ass – I mean, you."

"Well to be honest, I'm also in here because I'm concerned about Wailord. He's much angrier and hornier than usual. I think an evil-looking Psychic-type I saw might have done something to him. Do you know who I'm talking about?"

"No," said Pichu. Togetic smacked him. "Yes."

"But anyway, that's why I can't leave. So I'm not coming with you."

"Oh, come on," said Pichu.

"Damn! You're persuasive. Okay fine, but you have to carry me out."

"What? But you're bigger than me!"

"SUCK IT UP ASSHOLE! EITHER YOU CARRY ME OR I'LL HAVE MY DAD SIT ON YOU!"

Pichu shuddered. "Okay okay, I'll do it!"

Unfortunately, they were no longer anywhere near the mouth, meaning Pichu had to carry Vaporeon all over until they were hopelessly lost. He also got repeatedly attacked by the Tentacools that were floating around for some reason.

"Togetic, couldn't you help me out here?" he panted.

"No."

"I hate everyone in this room."

They stepped onto a floating platform that rose all the way back up to the main floor, once again deciding not to question it, before walking through another door into a room where the floor and walls were all pink and squishy and disgusting, and there were a bunch of deadly-looking Mantines flying around.

"Look at all those deadly-looking Mantines flying around! I'M FRIGHTENED AUNTIE EM!" Pichu screamed, hugging Togetic.

"Don't worry Pichu, they're Water-types just like everything else in here. I'm sure they're no match for a… _cough_… Grass-type like yourself."

"Hey yeah, you're right! Okay you &*?#ing Water-types, time to **DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE****!**" Pichu yelled, brandishing his Leaf Blade and charging for exactly three steps before all the Mantines swarmed over him and started killing him.

"Men are useless," Vaporeon sighed, using Aurora Beam on all the Mantines until they died.

"Okay, I did it! Where's my reward?" Pichu slurred.

"You don't get a reward. You're an idiot," said Togetic.

"I DEMAND A REWARD! BOTH OF YOU MUST NOW PLEASURE ME SEXUALLY!"

"While you're in a dress? How kinky," Vaporeon said with a smirk.

"Don't worry, I know how to deal with him. He just needs some talking to," Togetic assured her. She flew up to Pichu, cleared her throat, and grabbed a bone off of a nearby skeleton and whacked him over the head with it until he passed out.

"Looks like you just gave him a boner!" Vaporeon joked. "Ha! Get it! Boner? 'Cause you hit him with a bone? It's a joke?"

"Don't make me use this on you," Togetic threatened.

––

The next room they tried to enter was blocked off by a giant disgusting tentacle, so they entered a different room only to find that it also had a giant disgusting tentacle.

"ENOUGH OF THIS! I've had to deal with _enough _disgusting tentacles today!" Togetic shouted with a shudder.

"How should I beat it?" wondered Pichu.

"You could try throwing something at it," Vaporeon said sarcastically.

"Great idea!" Pichu agreed, hurling Vaporeon at the tentacle.

"THIS IS NO WAY TO TREAT A PRINCESS!" she screamed.

"Looks like I taught that thing a lesson," Pichu said, dusting his hands in satisfaction. Unfortunately the tentacle wasn't actually hurt at all, and instead grabbed Pichu and started strangling him.

"Aren't you gonna help him?" Vaporeon asked Togetic.

"Why?"

"Women are useless," Vaporeon sighed, using Aurora Beam on the tentacle until it dropped Pichu.

"This time throw something _useful _at it!" she snapped at him.

Pichu threw about fifty Egg Bombs at it until he realized that wasn't working either, so instead he grabbed his bone (while the authoress snickered at how dirty that sounded) and threw that. To everyone's surprise, it killed the tentacle immediately and then flew right back at Pichu, smacking him in the forehead.

"DUDE! THAT WAS AWESOME! I, LIKE, HAVE A MAGIC BONE!"

"You're also bleeding from your forehead," said Togetic.

"WHO CARES? I HAVE A FRICKIN MAGIC BONE!" he cheered before fainting from blood loss.

And so Pichu learned Bonemerang. W00t! He, Togetic and Vaporeon continued traversing through the anatomically incorrect dungeon while slaughtering giant disgusting tentacles left and right. Finally they entered a room with a big platform in the middle, on which sat a shining blue stone.

"AT LAST! MY BELOVED FRANÇOIS!" cried Vaporeon.

Togetic sweatdropped. "You named it François?"

Vaporeon jumped off of Pichu's back and climbed up onto the platform. "We shall never be apart again, my darling!" she said to the stone before grabbing it and making out with it.

"That's disgusting," said Pichu, unable to look away.

"Okay, we can go now," Vaporeon called down a few minutes later.

"But I thought you were concerned about Wailord," said Togetic.

"Screw Wailord. He freakin' ate me for Raikou's sake."

"Okay, but that still doesn't answer _how _we're getting out of here."

"That depends on whether we're closer to his mouth or his butt," said Pichu.

Suddenly the platform began whirring and rose up into the air, disappearing into a hole in the ceiling.

"Uh oh. Vaporeon, are you all right?" called up Pichu.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH! GET YOUR DISGUSTING TENTACLES OUT OF THERE!" came Vaporeon's scream.

"Oh Suicune, not again," groaned Togetic.

The platform came back down, but in Vaporeon's place was a huge, grossly overweight Octillery wearing a bandana and ludicrous amounts of bling.

"YO YO, WHAZZUP MY NIZZLE?" it bellowed. "THA NAME'S BIGOCTILLERY AND YA BEST NOT &*?# WITH ME OR I'LL GET ALL UP IN YO' FACE, YOU HEAR?"

"Loud and clear," said Pichu, covering his ears.

"DON'T GET SMART WITH ME! I'LL BUST A CAP IN YO' ASS!"

"You'll what?"

Bigoctillery used Bust a Cap in Yo' Ass! It's super effective!

"OW! TOGETIC, HELP ME!" Pichu cried, curled up in pain.

"I'd recommend beating it."

"THAT'S NOT HELPING!"

Bigoctillery advanced on Pichu whilst dropping science, forcing Pichu to hurl his Bonemerang at it.

"**&*?#!** WHAT THE &*?# WAS THAT FOR MOTHA&*?#AH?"

Pichu opened his eyes. "Woah! It actually worked?"

"_Pichu!_" Togetic alerted.

"Oh yeah, right!" Pichu used Leaf Blade! He repeatedly slashed Bigoctillery until it scrambled backward, looking heavily injured.

"&*?# man! I need backup!" It pulled out a boombox that started blaring a backbeat at full blast.

Pichu raised an eyebrow. "That's what you meant by backup?"

"SHOVE IT UP YO' ASS MOFO! BIGOCTILLERY DON'T NEED NO HELP! HE GONNA &*?# YOU UP!"

Pichu watched as he suddenly produced handfuls of money.

"I can't watch. What's going on?" asked Togetic, covering her eyes.

"Bigoctillery's making it rain."

"He's using Rain Dance?"

"He's throwing Rupees in the air."

"YEEEEEEEEAH BOOOOOOOOOY!" it bellowed, flinging Rupees at Pichu. "HOW YOU LIKE THAT B#TCH?"

"Okay, this is just getting annoying," said Pichu, shoving an Egg Bomb in its mouth which promptly exploded, sending its entrails flying and splattering onto the walls.

"Couldn't you think of a less gory way to do that?" asked Togetic.

"Yep."

"You know, I think I'm starting to like you."


	13. Hyrule is Royally Screwed

**A/N: **Yay! I'm super excited I got to this chapter. Read it and you'll understand why. (Also, sorry about the poor casting for the boss, but there's no anemone Pokémon, so…)

––

Pichu and Togetic rode the platform up and kept looking for Vaporeon. Finally, they passed through a big dramatic door that told them they were about to fight the boss and entered a room that was swarming with Tentacools, with an enormous angler fish floating among them.

"Yowza. What's that?" asked Pichu.

"That would be a Lanturn," said Togetic. "Don't worry too much though, they're generally pretty nice and – "

Lanturn instantly blasted Togetic with a Thunderbolt.

"KICK HIS ASS, PICHU!"

"SO, _YOU'RE_ THE INFAMOUS PICHU?" Lanturn thundered. "HOW PATHETIC! PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU!"

"Are you the one who's causing Wailord to be all angry and horny?" Pichu asked timidly.

"ANGRY, YES! HORNY, NO! I THINK HE'S BEEN POPPING VIAGRA LATELY!"

"Well, I really don't feel like fighting anymore. Do you think you could do me a favor and just die?"

"SCREW YOU! I'M NOT GOING TO LOSE TO A GUY IN DRAG!"

"Seriously, Pichu, take off the dress," said Togetic.

"But I feel pretty," Pichu pouted.

"THE TIME FOR STUPID STATEMENTS IS OVER! ATTACK, MY TENTACOOLS!"

As the Tentacools swarmed at him, Pichu screamed, spun around, and promptly ran into a wall.

"Get serious, Pichu!" Togetic shouted as she swatted at the Tentacools surrounding them.

"Right, right! I can do serious!" He got back up and hurled a bunch of Egg Bombs at the Tentacools. A series of huge explosions shook the whole room and sent the Tentacools flying, and when it was over their corpses littered the floor.

"NOOOOOO! MY BABIES! HOW COULD YOU?" Lanturn howled.

"It was easy. I just threw a bunch of exploding egg things at them. Seriously, these things die so easy, you really should consider getting different – "

Lanturn used Thunderbolt! Pichu went flying into the wall!

"SILENCE, YOU INSENSITIVE BASTARD! PREPARE TO BE PUNISHED!"

Lanturn dropped to the floor and began spinning around the room, shooting out Thunderbolts like crazy and blasting every corner of the room. Pichu and Togetic screamed and dived for cover.

"You have to stun it somehow!" Togetic shouted at Pichu.

"Got it!" Pichu said determinedly, leaping to his feet and running at Lanturn. "Hey big boy, get a load of THIS!" he shouted, lifting up his dress.

Lanturn just stared at him.

"Oh Suicune, there's no therapy good enough for this," Togetic moaned.

"YOUR CROSSDRESSING AND ATTEMPT AT FLASHING CONFUSE AND INFURIATE ME!" Lanturn finally bellowed before blasting Pichu again.

"I meant _physically _stun it!" Togetic screamed as Pichu came crashing into the wall again.

"Okay then," Pichu slurred, drawing out his Bonemerang and throwing it at Lanturn. It roared in pain and crashed to the ground.

"YEAH! FEEL THE PAIN, SUCKA!" Pichu shouted, walking up to it and flexing his muscles.

"Pichu…"

"Oh, right. The killing." He slashed his Leaf Blade at Lanturn before it smacked him with its tail and sent him skidding across the floor.

"NICE TRY! BUT I WON'T GO DOWN THAT EASY!"

"This sucks!" Pichu cried as he and Togetic continued to dodge the Thunderbolts. "How do I kill this guy?"

"Let him smell your armpits?"

"No! I need something faster and less humiliating!" He snapped his fingers. "I got it!"

He scrambled up to Lanturn, slid underneath it, and used his Leaf Blade to stab it directly in the crotch.

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"** Lanturn shrieked as it crashed down to the ground. Its body started sprouting huge red boils, and then it exploded, covering the room in green goo.

"Holy crap, Pichu! How'd you know that would happen?" exclaimed Togetic.

Pichu shrugged. "It's simple, really! If Chuck Norris has taught me nothing else, it's that when you attack a dude's groin with enough force, he blows up!"

"Wow. You learn something every day."

Just then, another Shining Blue Portal appeared behind them, and standing in this one was Princess Vaporeon.

"Where the hell were you, Pichu? You know that Octillery nearly buttsexed me?"

"Is that even a word?"

"Just get in here."

"That's what she s – " Pichu broke off as Togetic cut off his windpipe and pulled him into the portal. All three of them vanished in a flash of light, reappearing in Zora's Fountain.

"Well, I have no idea how you pulled it off, but you saved me," Vaporeon said to Pichu. "So I guess I should give you a reward. Go ahead. Ask for anything."

Pichu's eyes lit up. "_Anything?_ Do you have a lifetime supply of pork rinds?"

Togetic shoved him out of the way and into the water. "We really need that Spiritual Stone."

"What? But François and I are involved!"

"Yeah. And it's really creepy."

"Fine," Vaporeon pouted. "But you should know, Pichu, we Water-types consider this stone to be a sign of engagement."

Togetic was stunned. "You're kidding, right? You're planning on doing the nasty with him? ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN?"

"Hey, just because he's an idiot doesn't mean he's not a sexy idiot."

Pichu sweatdropped. "Um… okay then…"

_Pichu received the Water Stone! Or François, or whatever the hell it is! Unfortunately, he's also somehow gotten himself engaged to a pissed-off princess with anger management issues! How does he get himself into these things? Well the important thing is, he has all three Spiritural Stones and can now go do whatever it is he's supposed to do next!_

"Come back to me soon, my little yellow cheese puff!" Vaporeon sang as Pichu and Togetic quickly got out of there.

"We probably should have just let her die," Pichu muttered.

"For once I actually agree with you," Togetic sighed, shoving him along. "But at least we have all three Spiritual Stones now, remember?"

"Hey, you're right! Princess Eevee sure will be happy to see us!"

––

"WHERE THE HELL'S MY WELCOMING COMMITTEE?" Pichu shouted at the closed drawbridge of Hyrule Castle.

"Well it _is _the middle of the night," Togetic yawned.

"So what? I'm the freaking Hero of Time or whatever! I deserve recognition!"

Just then, the drawbridge gave a creaking sound and began to lower. "_Finally_," Pichu sighed seconds before it collapsed on top of him.

He painfully clawed his way out just as a black Pokémon came galloping out of the gate and off into the distance. They realized it was Umbreon, and Eevee was riding on her back. Eevee turned around and seemed to see them as well.

"HEY! PICHU!" she shouted very loudly. "IT'S US! EEVEE AND UMBREON! WE'RE ESCAPING! BUT DON'T TELL ANYBODY, OKAY?"

"DON'T WORRY, I THINK YOU JUST DID THAT FOR US!" Togetic shouted back.

Eevee suddenly pulled something out and hurled it at Pichu at all her might. He ran forward and held out his hands, only to have it hit him in the forehead, knocking him unconscious and causing him to fall facedown in the moat.

"Hmm… should I pull him out or not?" Togetic wondered to herself. "My general misanthropy is in conflict with my knowledge that he has to save the world. What should I do?"

She didn't get any more time to think about it before someone else appeared behind her. She turned around to see Mewtwo towering over her.

"PROTECT ME, PICHU!" she screamed, pulling him out and holding him out in front of her.

"Damn! They got away!" Mewtwo growled, then noticed Pichu. "You! Fat yellow kid! Which way did they go?"

"Huh… what's going on?" Pichu said groggily.

"Hmph. You are useless!"

"Yeah, that's right," Togetic said nervously. "So if you'd just let us go now so we don't get in your way any – "

"**I DESTROY USELESS PEOPLE!**"

"Wait a minute," said Pichu. "I may have a concussion, but I know that you're Mewtwo! You're the evil guy! I must stop you!"

Mewtwo looked down the six-foot height difference between the two of them. "What are you going to do? Stab me in my shin?"

"Will that work?" Pichu asked hopefully.

Mewtwo used Psychic! Pichu's really screwed now!

"I have no time for this nonsense!" he shouted. "Just know that soon, I will rule the world!"

Then he used Teleport and vanished, leaving Togetic and the dazed Pichu alone.

"Uh… now what?" asked Pichu.

"Where's that thing Eevee hit you in the head with? We have to find it!" said Togetic.

"Oh, it landed in the moat. I already got it when I fell in," he replied, pulling it out. "Should I have thrown it at Mewtwo?"

Togetic smacked herself in the forehead. "_No_, you moron! That's the Pokéflute of Time!"

Pichu looked at it. It was an exquisitely hand carved flute, and unlike Leafeon's white one, it was colored a majestic dark blue.

"Wow," he marveled. "So then should I have thrown my sucky flute at him?"

Suddenly, Pichu's surroundings faded from sight and he found himself in a dimly lit chamber with Eevee standing in front of him, holding the Pokéflute of Time up to her mouth.

"Pichu," came her voice, "by the time you hear this, I won't be around anymore."

"But you're standing right in front of me, stupid," said Pichu.

"This is a pre-recorded message. I'm not really here."

"Oh. …Wait, if this is a pre-recorded message, how did you just answer me?"

"LOOK! I'M JUST HERE TO TEACH YOU THE SONG OF TIME, OKAY?"

"Okay," Pichu whimpered.

Eevee's projection played the Song of Time, which swelled and echoed to fill the whole chamber.

"Now we're kind of in a hurry, so please learn this in less than three hours, okay?"

"Okay," said Pichu, getting it right after about two hours and forty minutes.

"Go to the Temple of Time and play this song in front of the Door of Time! You must protect the Triforce!"

Then Eevee and the room slowly disappeared, and Pichu was standing back outside the castle.

"Uh… what just happened?" he asked Togetic.

"Huh? Oh nothing, you were just talking to yourself like normal. Cool new song though."

"Yeah, and I have to play it right now! TO THE TEMPLE OF TIME!"

"Uh… where's that?"

Pichu sweatdropped. "I don't know."

––

After wandering across Hyrule for three days looking for it, they finally went back to the castle and entered the Marketplace, completely exhausted.

"I'm the worst Hero of Time ever," Pichu moaned as a few Pokémon walked around the deserted nighttime square.

"Yeah, you do suck pretty hard," Togetic agreed.

"Excuse me, miss?" Pichu asked a Pidgey who was hopping by. "I've been looking all over Hyrule for the Temple of Time and I can't find it. Do you know where it is?"

"You're standing in front of it," said the Pidgey, flying away.

Pichu turned around and looked up at the Temple of Time. "Well, I just hope no one ever finds out about this."

Togetic flew up to him. "Sorry. I was just over at that Internet Café blogging about your epic fail."

"HA HA HA! Did you hear about this Pichu, Marcie?" asked someone over at the café.

"Come on," Pichu sighed, pulling Togetic inside.

––

The Temple of Time was made of shining white marble and had a velvet red carpet leading up to an altar, and behind that, a huge door that could only be the Door of Time.

"Wow. It's beautiful in here," said Togetic. "You ready, Pichu?"

"…I forgot what I'm supposed to do."

"You have to play the Song of Time."

"What's that?"

Togetic started looking very impatient. "I don't know if you know this, but I'm trained in torturing people for information."

"Oh wait! I remember now!" Pichu said nervously, scrambling up to the altar and playing the Song of Time on the Pokéflute of Time. As he finished, the three Spiritual Stones suddenly floated out of his pack, glowing and shining as they circled each other in midair.

"Wow, look at them all together!" Pichu said in awe. "The Leaf Stone, the Fire Stone, and François!"

"Ugh. Let's just call it the Water Stone," Togetic groaned.

The three stones finally came to rest on top of the altar, and with a low rumble, the Door of Time split open and pulled apart.

"Ooooooh," said Pichu as they saw what was on the other side. It was a circular, darkened room, with only a single shaft of light on the floor illuminating a small marble pedestal. The two of them entered the room, and Togetic gasped as she saw what was resting on the pedestal.

"Can it be?" she wondered, gazing at the flickering yellow sphere. "It's that legendary orb… the Light Ball! It's supposed to be the most powerful relic in all of Hyrule, capable of vanquishing any evil! This is amazing, Pichu. We have to revel in this moment respectfully."

"Ooh, shiny," said Pichu, walking up to the Light Ball and grabbing it without having heard a word she said.

"Or you could just do that," Togetic muttered.

Suddenly, the platform on which they stood began to glow, and a beam of blue light shot up in the air. Pichu and Togetic cried out as they were completely engulfed in light, and everything around them became white and featureless.

"Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!" came a wicked laugh, and Mewtwo suddenly appeared. "I knew you were an idiot, but I never thought it would be _this _easy! I'm just too good."

"What are you talking about, you cad?" Pichu cried valiantly. Togetic facepalmed again.

"As I suspected, you held the keys to the Door of Time!" Mewtwo said smugly. "You have led me to the gates of the Sacred Realm!"

"Uh oh," said Togetic, realizing what this meant.

"I don't get it," said Pichu.

"You opened the Door of Time, but now _I'm _going to take the Triforce! And you are powerless to stop me!"

"…I don't get it."

Mewtwo narrowed his eyes at him. "**THE WORLD IS COMPLETELY SCREWED AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!**" he shouted. "**MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA! SUCK ON THAT, LOSER!**"

He Teleported away in a flash of light, his evil laughter still reverberating after he was gone.

"I still don't get it," said Pichu before everything faded away…


	14. The Bleak and Horrible Future

"Pikachu… wake up, Pikachu…"

Pichu groaned and opened his eyes. He was laying on his back in a huge dark chamber he had never seen before. Turning over, he realized he was on top of a platform that was floating in the water, with several other smaller platforms surrounding it.

"Ugh… man, that must have been some party last night. I don't remember a thing," he groaned, sitting up. He rubbed his eyes and looked around some more, then glanced behind him and gasped. Togetic was laying next to him, in a similar condition.

"_Togetic?_" he cried. "Oh no… you and I… we didn't…?"

"Pikachu, look over here, you dumbass."

"Huh?" Pichu turned around and saw a large yellow Pokémon with spiky fur sitting on a yellow platform across from him, gazing at him.

"Uh… sorry if I trashed your house, mister."

"Shut up, Pikachu. I am Jolteon, one of the ancient Sages. You are inside the Chamber of Sages, located in the Temple of Light."

"That's nice. How'd I get here?"

"By withdrawing the Light Ball, the only weapon powerful enough to destroy Mewtwo and the final key to the Sacred Realm. However, Mewtwo was also able to enter the Sacred Realm, and he obtained the Triforce. He has done terrible things to Hyrule, even though you took the Light Ball in the name of good."

"Not really. I just thought it was shiny."

"You truly are an idiot, Pikachu."

"Yeah, well, you keep mispronouncing my name."

"Pikachu, I'm a freaking Sage. I don't mess people's names up. Just _look _at yourself."

Alarmed, Pichu slowly approached the edge of his platform and gazed down at his reflection in the water.

"**HOLY SH#T!**"

He was now at least twice as tall as he had been before. His ears were long and slender, and his tail, which had been a stump before, was now huge and lightning bolt shaped. His cheeks, the tips of his ears, and the base of his tail were still green, as were the stripes on his back that hadn't been there before. The Light Ball was in a harness that was slung over his back.

"Pichu!" Togetic exclaimed to her partner, who was biting his nails in horror. "You're… slightly bigger! You evolved!"

"Is _that _what happened to me?" said Pikachu, visibly relieved. "Oh, thank Raikou. I thought it was the LSD."

"…What LSD?"

"…Forget I said that."

"Pikachu, with all that's happened I'm sure you're very confused right now," Jolteon cut in.

"Yeah, but that's pretty much my natural state of being."

"Allow me to explain everything. You, heaven help us, are the Hero of Time, the one destined to banish evil from Hyrule. As such you were also meant to carry the Light Ball, but it will only grant its power to a Pikachu. Therefore you were sealed here until you were old enough to evolve. So not only are you a Pikachu, you've grown up. You're a young adult now."

"But I'm still obnoxious. And I still pick my nose."

"Yes, well, that's just you. Now, in the seven years you have been gone, Mewtwo has turned Hyrule into a land of monsters, and I don't just mean Pocket Monsters, because that's what we all are. Our only hope is for you to awaken the other five Sages. With their combined power, you may be able to stop him."

"You mean all I have to do is wake some people up?" said Pikachu. "That doesn't sound hard."

"You wake them up by journeying into cursed temples and destroying a bunch of enormous deadly monsters."

"I hate you."

"For now, take my power with you for the remainder of your journey," said Jolteon, producing a small yellow medallion out of the air.

_Pikachu received the Zap Plate! Jolteon adds his power to Pikachu's, even though having it doesn't actually make Pikachu any stronger! That sucks!_

"_You must find the other Sages, Pikachu… because I_'_ll kick your ass if you don_'_t…_"

––

There was a flash of light, and when everything cleared Pikachu and Togetic were back in a familiar room.

"We're back in the Temple of Time!" said Togetic. "But I wonder, have we really been gone for seven whole years?"

"I think so," Pikachu said morosely. "I sure feel different. Almost like I have seven years' worth of emotion and feelings pent up inside of me."

He belched. "Ahh, that's better."

"I've been waiting for you, Pikachu," came a voice.

"NOOOOOOO!" Pikachu screamed, throwing himself on the ground and covering his head. "NOCTOWL ROSE FROM THE GRAVE AND FOUND ME AGAIN! AND I'M NOT EVEN A KID ANYMORE!"

"Pikachu, that's not Noctowl," said Togetic, pulling on his arm.

"Huh?" Pikachu looked up to see a Pokémon with a black face, white fur, and a sickle coming out of his head.

"I'm glad I'm finally able to see you. I am Absol, survivor of the Dark-types."

"Your name's 'Absol'? That's unfortunate," said Pikachu. "Can I call you Dear Abby?"

"No."

"The Ab-Abber 2000?"

"NO! I will not tolerate any cracks at my name!" Absol snapped before taking a swig out of his bottle of Absol-ut Vodka. "Now listen. As I'm sure you know already, your task is to awaken the remaining Sages and use their power to defeat Mewtwo."

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW THAT?" Pikachu screamed. "ARE YOU ANOTHER INTERNET STALKER? BECAUSE I'VE _HAD _IT WITH YOU PEOPLE!"

"Waste him, Pikachu!" Togetic cheered.

Pikachu reached for his Leaf Blade, only to discover it wasn't there. "Hey! Where's my Leaf Blade so I can slice your head off?"

"Why stop at his head?" Togetic said with a naughty grin.

"Pikachu, it was a leaf," said Absol. "It wasn't going to last for seven years."

"YOU STOLE IT, DIDN'T YOU?"

"What the hell would I do with a _leaf?_"

"**STOP DODGING THE TRUTH YOU SICK BASTARD!**"

Pikachu used Thunderbolt! Woah! How did that happen?

"That's what I wanted you to find out," Absol groaned as he got back to his feet. "With the Light Ball, you can now use Electric attacks."

"Oh. That's pretty sweet."

"Indeed. Now like I was saying, you have to go awaken the Sages. The first one is the Forest Sage, who lives in Kokiri Forest. She is a girl I'm sure you know very well."

"Really? Is it Togetic?"

"…No."

"My mom?"

"Your mom's dead, Pikachu."

"…Togetic?"

"IT'S LEAFEON, YOU ASSWIPE!" Absol roared. "But you can't help her the way you're currently equipped. You need a new weapon."

"Maybe if someone hadn't stolen my Leaf Blade…" Pikachu muttered.

"You need an entirely new weapon. You'll find it in the Kakariko Graveyard. Now hurry."

Absol stepped backward and vanished into the shadows.

"What the – dammit, why do people always do that to me?"

"Ya know, he was pretty hot," Togetic smirked.

"Yeah, I guess he was pretty – WHAT? Togetic, how can you say that?"

"What? He was! Do you think he liked me?"

"You wanted me to castrate him. I'm sure he's crazy about you. Seriously Togetic, don't you think _I'm _hot?"

Togetic stared at him, then turned around and started puking.

"I'm going to assume that was time travel sickness," Pikachu muttered as they walked out of the Temple of Time.

**––**

**A/N: **I kept you guys waiting a long time for this one, didn't I? Mostly I just wanted to keep you all in suspense. I generally won't wait so long between updates, largely because this story is still far from over.


	15. Ranch Messing, Part Deux

**A/N: **As an apology for that very long cliffhanger, here's the next part already. :3 This is one of my favorite chapters in the story. Enjoy.

––

"Dude. Not cool," said Togetic as they entered the Marketplace. All the buildings were destroyed and it was completely deserted except for all the Dusclops floating around.

"Oh crap! I really don't feel like having my brains sucked out again!" Pikachu whimpered.

Togetic rolled her eyes. "Come on, Pikachu, I'm sure they won't even notice you if you just – "

"Hey look, a Pikachu! LET'S SUCK HIS BRAINS OUT!" shouted a random Dusclops.

"YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Pikachu screamed as all the ghosts dogpiled on top of him.

"Have fun with that," said Togetic as she flew to safety. After the ghosts were done violating Pikachu, they let him go and she came back down.

"So, how was it?"

"They stuck things in horrible places," Pikachu shivered.

They left the Marketplace and entered Hyrule Field, only to find it was nothing like how they remembered. The grass was all dead and the sky was murky and cloud-covered.

"Wow. That Mewtwo's an asshole," said Togetic. "We better find that new weapon of yours fast."

"Wait a minute!" Pikachu stopped himself, smacking himself in the forehead. "What about my little fruit pie, Igglybuff? We have to make sure she's all right!"

"No we don't."

"Yes we do! Now that I'm grown up and sexy I might finally be able to make sweet, sweet love to her!"

He broke off when he realized Togetic was staring at him. "Oh, and I'm worried for her safety of course."

So they traveled all the way to Lon Lon Ranch. It was nighttime when they arrived, and as they entered everything seemed quiet and still.

"Well, this place looks the same," said Togetic.

"Hey, do you hear that? It's singing!" Pikachu exclaimed. He dashed over to the corral and peered in.

"Look! There's Igglybuff!"

"You mean Jigglypuff. Looks like she evolved too."

Pikachu grew a confused look as he listened. "What's she singing?"

"_I said, we'll drown ourselves in misery tonight  
White lies, you've worn out all your dancing shoes this time  
Just give us war-worn lipstick by the door if I inflame  
These eyes have had too much to drink again tonight  
Black skies, we'll douse ourselves in high explosive light!_"

"Great," Togetic groaned. "We leave her for seven years and she goes emo."

"CHEER UP, EMO KID!" Pikachu shouted at her.

"What the – **GET THE HELL OFF MY RANCH YOU &*?#ERS!**" Jigglypuff screamed, pulling out her .38 and firing wildly at them.

"This oughta get interesting," said Togetic, pulling out her own .38.

"Togetic, wait!" Pikachu cried, yanking it down. "Jigglypuff! It's me! Don't you recognize me?"

Jigglypuff stopped firing for a moment and lowered her gun. "Pichu? Is that you?"

"Yeah! You remember me?"

Jigglypuff started firing more violently.

"HEY! CUT IT OUT! I thought we were friends!"

"Oh please. You only came here because you wanted to make sweet, sweet love to me."

Pikachu opened his mouth, then shut it. "Okay, that's true, but now that I'm here I'm also concerned about your sudden emo-ness."

"You _are _wearing a lot of eyeliner," Togetic acknowledged.

"Well you'd be emo too if you'd been through what I've been through!" Jigglypuff snapped. "After you left, that jerk Raticate took over the ranch and kicked my dad out! I haven't seen him in years!"

"Well if it's any consolation, I spent the last several years in a coma caused by picking up a shiny yellow ball."

Jigglypuff blinked at him. "Not really. Couldn't you have stayed there longer?"

"Why did Raticate take over the ranch?" asked Togetic.

"I don't know! I think he must be high on evil or something, because he says he works for Mewtwo now! And he even changed the name! It's not Lon Lon Ranch anymore."

"It's not?"

"No. Now it's Lon Lon Ranch and Strip Club."

"WHAT?" exclaimed Pikachu and Togetic, wearing very different expressions.

"What? He's a horny old man! What did you expect?"

Pikachu spun around, scrambled back to the stable, and pulled open the door. As music came blaring out, his eyes grew very, very wide.

"Ohhhhhhh myyyyyyy gooooooosh… Togetic, you _gotta_ check this out…"

"What? Are you saying you think I'm gay?"

"Well you don't like me, so you _must _be."

Togetic smacked him over the head and dragged him back over to Jigglypuff.

"And that's not all he's done. Look at our mandatory uniforms!" said Jigglypuff, pulling out a skintight leather costume with spikes and a whip.

"Yes… that's terrible…" said Pikachu, ogling it.

"Pikachu, get serious. We have to help her out. This is simultaneously erotic and horrible," said Togetic.

"Yeah, you're right. Jigglypuff, I want you to know I'm willing to put off having sex with you until we get your ranch back."

Jigglypuff smiled. "Thank you, Pikachu. I think."

––

Jigglypuff made Pikachu sleep in her closet that night after they had finished discussing their plan, and when morning came they all went back to the corral. This time Jigglypuff brought along Epona, who had evolved into a Rapidash.

"Hi Epona! Remember me?" Pikachu said brightly.

Epona turned to glare at Jigglypuff. "Why is _he_ here?"

"He's helping us get the ranch back. I know he's an idiot, but he's all we have right now."

Just then, the door to the stable/strip club opened and Raticate came staggering out, looking very hung over. As soon as he saw Pikachu, though, he straightened up immediately.

"Hello, good sir! Welcome to Lon Lon Ranch and Strip Club! For just ten Rupees you can ride one of our fine horses _or _enjoy a lovely pole dance!"

"Now remember Pikachu, be subtle. Don't blow our cover," Jigglypuff whispered.

"Mister Raticate, sir," declared Pikachu, "I hereby accuse you of being evil and come with the intention of stealing your ranch!"

Togetic and Jigglypuff both facepalmed, and somehow Epona managed to as well.

"I see," said Raticate. "Well, I'll make you a deal. If you can beat me in a horse race, I will surrender this ranch to you. _And _you can have the horse. Sound fair?"

"You bet!"

"Excellent. I'll just be preparing my steroids – I mean, getting ready," said Raticate, wandering off. As soon as he was gone, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, Togetic, and Epona all huddled together.

"Are you crazy, Pikachu? You don't even know how to ride a horse," said Togetic.

"She's right. Even if Epona _didn't _hate your guts, I don't think you could win," said Jigglypuff.

"Don't worry, ladies," Pikachu said with a smug grin. "I already have a foolproof plan."

A few minutes later, Pikachu was sitting on Epona, Raticate was sitting on another Rapidash, and they were both standing at the starting line.

"Wish me luck, guys!" Pikachu waved to Togetic and Jigglypuff.

"Should I tell him he's facing the wrong way?" Jigglypuff whispered to Togetic.

"Ready… GO!" shouted Raticate.

"All right! Let's – EEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Pikachu screamed as Epona started thrashing around and trying to throw him off. About fifteen minutes later she had finally run all the way around the track and dragged Pikachu, who was clinging onto her tail, across the finish line. Thankfully they had still beaten Raticate, whose Rapidash had collapsed five inches out of the starting line.

"YES! I WON!" Pikachu cheered.

"Damn. You're still alive," Epona grumbled.

"Nice job, Pikachu!" said Jigglypuff. "But I still think Raticate is going to figure out our plan."

"Ah, you worry too much. He'll _never _figure it out."

Raticate was crouched down next to his Rapidash and examining her, and then stood up and glared at Pikachu.

"**DID YOU DRUG MY HORSE?**"

"Nope!" Pikachu said confidently.

"Did that Togetic drug my horse?"

"…DAMMIT! RUN, TOGETIC!"

Both of them made a mad dash for the exit, but the gate slammed shut in front of them.

"Nice try! But I'll never let you leave this ranch!"

Pikachu looked panicked at first, but then it dawned on him. "Wait a minute! There's no way you can possibly keep us here! It's four against one!"

"Actually, I want to kill both of you," said Epona.

"Fine. It's three against one against one!"

"FOOL! YOU CANNOT HOPE TO DEFEAT ME!" Raticate boomed.

"Careful Pikachu! This guy is serious!" said Jigglypuff.

Raticate used Tail Whip! Nothing happened!

"MWA HA HA HA HA! DO YOU FEAR ME NOW?"

Jigglypuff sweatdropped. "Or not…"

Pikachu used Thunderbolt! Raticate was paralyzed!

Epona used Fire Blast! Raticate was burned!

Togetic used Metronome! Togetic used Ice Beam! Raticate was frozen!

Jigglypuff used Sing! Raticate fell asleep!

"WAIT A MINUTE! I can't have all these conditions at the same time!"

"Shut up! You're asleep!" snapped Jigglypuff, slapping him.

"Hooray! We won!" Pikachu cheered. "That means the strip club is MINE!"

Everyone glared at him.

"…But you can have the ranch of course, Jigglypuff."

"Well Pikachu, you did technically save the ranch, so I guess I should repay you _somehow_." She turned to Epona. "Epona, whenever you hear Pikachu playing Epona's Song, I want you to go to him and give him a ride, okay?"

"WHAT? NO! HAVE MERCY! I BEG OF YOU!"

"Actually, I was hoping we could have that sweet, sweet lovemaking now," Pikachu said hopefully, trying to ignore the very distraught Epona rolling around the ground and flailing her legs in the air.

"Uh… yeah… about that…" said Jigglypuff. "The thing is, I just don't find you very attractive."

Pikachu became confused! He hurt himself in his confusion! "Since when does that have anything to do with it?"

"Look, I'll make you a deal. If you ever run into me and I'm drunk or I just broke up with somebody, I'm all yours."

"AWESOME!"

And so Pikachu and Togetic bid farewell to Jigglypuff, which would have been slightly more heartwarming if Epona hadn't still been rolling on the ground and sobbing.


	16. Vine Whip It Good!

"So where are we off to now?" Pikachu asked once they had left.

"As you seem to have forgotten, we need to find some kind of weapon in the Graveyard, meaning we have to go to Kakariko Village," replied Togetic.

"What? But that's too far away," Pikachu whined.

"Pikachu, it's twenty feet away."

Pikachu whipped out his flute and played Epona's Song, and within moments an extremely pissed-off Epona came up to them. "WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Can you carry me over there?" Pikachu asked hopefully, pointing at the entrance to Kakariko that was approximately three seconds away.

Epona's eye twitched! Epona used Stomp! Pikachu's skull was fractured!

"You should call her more often," Togetic said cheerfully as Epona trotted away.

––

Pikachu and Togetic entered Kakariko Village, which was much bigger and more populated than it had been before.

"Hey! I remember you! You're that Hero of Time kid who abandoned us all and let Mewtwo take over the world!" exclaimed the Sentret at the gate, who apparently hadn't moved in the last seven years. "Can I have your autograph?"

"What? Mewtwo took over the world? AAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH! HIDE ME!" Pikachu screamed, curling up into a ball.

"We're a little busy," Togetic told the Sentret, rolling Pikachu away. When they finally reached the Graveyard, Pikachu uncurled himself and looked around.

"Okay, let's start looking," said Togetic. "And don't do anything stupid."

"You got it," said Pikachu, falling into an open grave.

"Okay, you win," said Togetic as she flew down into the crypt after him. "That wasn't stupid, it was clinically retarded."

"Hey! What are you doing here?" came a booming voice. Pikachu and Togetic whipped around to see a large, angry Slaking ghost floating in the shadows.

"Dude! I so remember you! You're Stampy the Gravekeeper!" Pikachu exclaimed, pointing at him. "Wait, you died?"

"Yes. You ripped my heart out, remember?"

"For a perfectly justifiable reason."

"Well, as long as you're down here, how about we have a little race?"

"Cool! What happens if I win?"

"I don't kill you," said Dampé, charging at Pikachu.

"YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Pikachu shrieked as Dampé chased him through the labyrinthine crypt, hurling fireballs at him. Pikachu finally "escaped" by falling into a bottomless pit.

"Very clever, my opponent," Dampé growled as Togetic sighed and flew down to get Pikachu.

"Okay, I won," said Pikachu once Togetic reemerged with him. "Now do I get a prize?"

"Actually, I changed my mind. I'm still gonna kill you."

"WHAT? WHY?"

"Why? You killed _me!_"

"Oh come on, don't tell me you're still holding a grudge about _that!_"

Dampé used Shadow Ball! Pikachu screamed like a sissy girl and curled up into a ball again!

"NUUUUUUUUUUUU! DON'T HURT MEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Togetic used Aerial Ace! Dampé fainted!

Pikachu opened his eyes. "YES! I WON AGAIN! I PWN J00!" He started flexing and bowing to an imaginary crowd before Togetic grabbed him by the tail and dragged him into the next room, where a large chest was sitting.

"Hmm… something tells me _this _is the super fun happy magic weapon I've been looking for!" Pikachu declared.

"And not a moment too soon," Togetic fretted as Dampé suddenly exploded through the door.

"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!" he roared, swinging his lantern around with mad ninja skills. "I AM A GHOOOOOOOOOOST! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME! I AM INVINCIBLE!"

"Oh yeah? We'll see about that!" Pikachu shouted. "SUPER FUN HAPPY MAGIC WEAPON **ACTIVATE!**"

Pikachu threw the chest at Dampé! It passed right through him!

"THE HELL? THIS WEAPON IS USELESS!" Pikachu cried. Thankfully the chest broke apart when Pikachu threw it, revealing the _actual _weapon, a Vine Whip!

"_Hell _yeah! Now I'm Indiana frackin' Jones!" Pikachu cheered, grabbing it.

"HEY! THAT'S _MY _VINE WHIP!" Dampé bellowed. "HOW DARE YOU STEAL IT! PREPARE FOR **BATTLE!**"

What followed was a horribly violent, bloody battle that was very, very R-rated and not appropriate to discuss in this story. Yay! Long story short, Pikachu finally won, but he ended up missing most of his skin.

––

"Boy, that was awesome!" said Pikachu as he walked out of the Kakariko Hospital a few days later, looking good as new. "We gotta do this more often!"

"Pikachu, we're just wasting time," Togetic said impatiently. "We have to get back to the forest and find Leafeon before something bad happens to her!"

"Why? What's so great about Leafeon?"

Togetic glared at him. "Are you having head trauma-induced memory loss, or are you really that stupid?"

"A little of both, I think," said Pikachu, picking his nose.

And so they headed back to Kokiri Forest, only to find it wasn't doing so hot. A bunch of evil Carnivines were popping up all over, and the Grass-types were nowhere to be found.

"Boy, it looks like Mewtwo's influence has even affected the Grass-types. This is terrible," Togetic said sadly to herself as she nonchalantly pulled Pikachu out of the grip of a Carnivine, which had grabbed him by his tail and started flailing him back and forth. "I mean, I don't really care, but it's terrible in principle."

"Meh, they probably had it coming," said Pikachu.

Eventually they found the entrance to the Lost Woods and spent the next several hours wandering around, getting hopelessly lost, and in Pikachu's case, almost dying from various stupidity-related incidents.

"I _told _you not to lick that fungus," Togetic snapped at Pikachu, who had been throwing up for the past fifteen minutes.

"But it was purple! It looked so tasty!"

"Yeah. It was also _moving_."

Suddenly Pikachu looked up and, for the first time, recognized where they were. "Hey, we're here! This is the entrance to the Sacred Forest Meadow!"

"Looks like someone else is already here," muttered Togetic, thumbing behind her. Pikachu looked over her shoulder and saw a small green Pokémon standing in front of the entrance, blocking it.

"No freakin' way! It's Treecko!"

"Maybe we should ask him for help," said Togetic.

"Are you kidding?" Pikachu exclaimed, growing an evil grin. "Now that I'm a big strong Pikachu I can finally get revenge on this guy for all the times he bullied me!"

"Suit yourself," Togetic sighed as Pikachu marched directly up to Treecko and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, good sir, but I – "

"NO ONE PASSES THROUGH HERE!" Treecko shouted, snapping Pikachu's neck and dumping him on the ground in a twitching heap.

"Bravo," Togetic deadpanned.

Pikachu sat up in a daze. "Um, but I kind of have to – " he began before Treecko punched him in the face. "DUDE! THAT IS NOT COOL!" Pikachu shouted, losing his patience. "I have to get to the freaking Forest Temple!"

"Sorry. But Leafeon's gone to the Forest Temple because she needs somewhere to hide her dirty magazines, and she told me not to allow anyone to follow after her."

"But I _know _Leafeon!" Pikachu fumed. "Don't you recognize me?"

"Hmph. Of course I don't recognize you! While you look a lot like Pichu, and you're a moron like Pichu, and you hang out with that PMS-ing fairy like Pichu, I can't imagine who you are!"

"Here we go again. He's getting a contact buzz off your stupid," Togetic groaned.

"Fine. I'll _prove _to you I know her," said Pikachu, taking out the Pokéflute of Time and beginning to play.

Treecko raised an eyebrow. "What was that supposed to prove? You just played the Alphabet Song."

Pikachu looked confused. "Huh? Are you sure it wasn't Leafeon's Song?"

Treecko facepalmed so hard that he knocked himself unconscious and collapsed onto the ground.

"Well, that works too," said Pikachu as he passed through the entrance.

So Pikachu and Togetic worked their way through the Sacred Forest Meadow, though they spent most of their time screaming and running away from (and getting impaled by) a bunch of really not very nice Granbulls holding spears. Finally they both reached the clearing where they had met Leafeon in the past, by now having to crawl along the ground and bleeding heavily.

"That was the _suckiest _experience of my entire life! I swear to Raikou, if you ever drag me into any crap like that ever again, I'm going to – oh _hiiiiiii_, Absol!" Togetic said dreamily, immediately brightening up.

"Huh?" Pikachu looked up and saw that Absol was indeed standing in the clearing, waiting for them. "Oh great. It's Mister Impossibly Hot and Mysterious. What do you want?"

"Well, I was originally going to say something deep and philosophical about time, but I'm a little hung over and seem to have forgotten my lines. So instead I'll just teach you the Minuet of Forest. Whenever you play this song, you'll be able to warp back to this very spot."

He pulled out a shining golden harp, and Pikachu doubled over laughing.

"BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA! What a girly little harp!" he howled in laughter as he rolled around on the ground. "Looks like Togetic's not the only _fairy _around here!"

Absol promptly yanked one of the strings off his harp and started strangling Pikachu with it. "Just feel lucky I don't play the _piano!_" he shouted.

"Uh, excuse me, my delicious hunk of man meat, but weren't you supposed to be teaching him that song now?" Togetic asked timidly.

"Oh yeah, right." Absol backed away and plucked out the Minuet of Forest on his harp. While only half conscious, Pikachu managed to pull out the Pokéflute of Time and play it back.

"That completely sucked, just like everything you do," said Absol. "Well, I'll see you again, Pikachu. Unfortunately."

With that, he stepped back into the shadows and vanished.

"Why does everyone I meet try to kill me?" Pikachu complained, rubbing his neck.

"He's soooooo sexy," Togetic sighed.

"A little _too _sexy, if you ask me," Pikachu said suspiciously.

Togetic gave him a look. "What are you getting on about?"

"I have no idea. Now how do we get up there?" he asked, pointing at the hugely conspicuous doorway high above their heads.

"Remember what Sexy – I mean, what Absol said? You have to use one of your weapons to get in there."

"Hmm…" Pikachu sat down and thought for a long while before finally pulling out his Egg Bombs and hurling them up at the door, causing the whole thing to come crashing down directly in front of him.

"Explosives solve all problems!" he declared happily.

Togetic shrugged. "Can't argue with that," she said as they entered the Forest Temple.


	17. The Freaking Forest Temple

**A/N: **LOL 69 REVIEWS *shot repeatedly*

Here we are, the Forest Temple, probably my favorite dungeon in the game. Just promise you'll forgive me for my failed approximation of the Fairy Bow.

––

"Y'know, this Forest Temple place is kinda giving me a bad vibe," said Pikachu as they walked through an ornate, vine-covered room.

"Really? Did that start before or after those enormous Mightyenas started gnawing on you?"

"I dunno," shrugged Pikachu, who was still dragging the Mightyenas along by his ankles. Finally he shook them off and he and Togetic entered a large chamber with an elevator in the middle, lit by four torches.

"Hmm… according to the Dungeon Map, we just have to ride the elevator down to the boss," said Togetic, unfolding the map.

"SWEET! Finally, a dungeon for the common man who doesn't like doing stuff!" Pikachu cheered, fistpumping. Unfortunately it wouldn't be so easy, as there then came a series of wicked laughs from near the torches, and suddenly four ghosts appeared from out of them, each one wearing a different colored necklace.

"HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" cackled the one with the purple necklace. "Quake in fear, you mortal fools! We have been sent to devour your souls!"

Pikachu grew pale. "T-money, you wanna back me up here?"

"Hmm, I need a necklace like that," Togetic mused.

"We are the Misdreavus Sisters!" continued the purple one. "Fear our necklaces of different varieties and our horrific powers of… scaring… and stuff!"

"Gotta work on your delivery there, sis," muttered the blue one.

"CRAM IT, BETH!" shouted the purple one, shaking her fist.

"Wait a minute – you guys must be the boss!" Pikachu exclaimed. "AWESOME! Now I don't even have to ride the stupid elevator!"

"SILENCE, FAT ONE! We are merely the _sub-_bosses, and extra annoying ones because you have to battle us all separately so it takes a really long time!"

"Aw, dammit… can't you guys just let me kill you now?"

"Come, my lovelies!" shouted the purple one. "Marilyn! Vivian! Freak-sheet!"

"I AM NOT A FREAK-SHEET! I told you, that thing I was doing with the sheet has a perfectly non-perverted explanation!" whined the green one.

The red one sweatdropped. "Uh, wrong game, Meg…" she said to the purple one.

"Huh?" Meg pulled out a game script and started flipping through it. "Oh, you're right… **COME, MY LOVELIES!** Jo! Beth! Amy! Let's &*?# his sh#t up!"

"OH NO YA DON'T!" Togetic shouted, pulling out her .38 and blasting all of them. Since they were ghosts it obviously didn't hurt them, but they all freaked out and flew off in different directions.

"Woah! Togetic, did you that just to protect me?" said Pikachu, who at that point would have needed a new pair of underwear if he had been wearing any.

"Are you kidding? I just like shooting things."

––

After that encounter, Pikachu tried to ride the elevator down only to find it had already lowered into the floor. After he did everything he could think of to make it rise back up, including stomping on it, gnawing on it, threatening it and making derogatory remarks about its mother, Togetic decided they probably couldn't ride it until they beat all the Misdreavus Sisters. So Pikachu reluctantly walked into the room on the other side of the chamber where he suddenly got jumped by a pair of Marowaks.

"Grr! We're scary! We wear skulls on our heads! BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE!" shouted one of them.

"Oh, come _on_. First sub-bosses, now _sub-_sub-bosses?" Pikachu groaned. "Look, I'm really pissed off right now, so I'm just gonna kill you guys."

Pikachu used Thunderbolt! It had no effect!

"Oh yeah, I probably should have mentioned that electricity doesn't work on these guys," Togetic said nonchalantly.

"Say what?"

Marowak #1 used Bone Club! It's super effective even though Pikachu's supposedly a Grass-type! How confusing is that?

"WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW?" Pikachu screamed as the Marowaks continued pummeling him. Togetic responded by grabbing Pikachu and using him to club both the Marowaks to death.

"That answer your question?" she asked as she dropped him.

"I think my spleen ruptured," Pikachu groaned.

Pikachu picked up the key they had left behind and used it to unlock a different door. What followed was several hours of solving boring and ridiculous puzzles, such as draining all the water out of a well, then forgetting that he had done so and throwing himself into the well only to fall fifty feet and break his legs.

"I'm really not liking this place," he decided as Togetic dragged him into another room where a bunch of arrows were painted on the floor and several giant stone blocks were sitting around.

"Well, it looks like here you have to run around and push all the blocks into certain places so you can get up to the next floor," Togetic reported once she had flown up to investigate.

"I have a better idea," said Pikachu, hurling all of his Egg Bombs. The whole structure blew up and collapsed and the entire second floor came crashing down in front of him.

"I _love _these things!" he cheered, hugging his eggs.

He and Togetic opened the door in front of them and got a big shock. The hallway behind it was twisted up so that the doorway on the other end was pointed sideways.

"Okay. Whoever designed this place was on shrooms," Togetic decided. "Let's just get this over with."

"Togetic, I need help," whimpered Pikachu, who had clearly gotten confused and was repeatedly walking into the same wall. Togetic impatiently hit a switch above the door which somehow untwisted the hallway, then pulled Pikachu into the next room.

"Well, this room looks pretty normal," Pikachu reported, not seeming to notice the unearthly groan reverberating throughout the room and the ever-growing shadow covering him.

Togetic looked up and blanched. "Uh, Pikachu, you might want to run for your life right about now," she said in a wavering voice.

Pikachu followed her gaze. "Huh?"

What followed was the single most horrific moment in video game history.

**"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"** he shrieked as an enormous Cradily landed on top of him and an entire generation of gamers was traumatized for life.

"**KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!**" Pikachu screamed as the Cradily attempted to drag him into oblivion. Okay, seriously, how the hell did this game get an E rating?

"**OKAY! OKAY!**" Togetic freaked, fumbling with her .38 and finally blasting the Cradily until it flopped over twitching.

After a very long moment, Pikachu sat up and whimpered. "T-money… _please _tell me we never have to fight one of those ever again."

"Uh, well…" Togetic pulled out the game guide and flipped through it, grew very, very pale once she reached the Shadow Temple, then quickly threw the guide away.

"Nope. That's it."

––

In the next room, three more Marowaks jumped down and attacked the duo.

"For the love of Entei! How many of you _are _there?" Pikachu fumed.

"MWA HA HA HA HA! We are, like, undead zombie skeleton things! You shall never defeat us!" boomed one of them. To demonstrate, they all suddenly started doing the Thriller dance. After watching for a few minutes, Pikachu and Togetic realized the Marowaks had forgotten they were even there and so snuck past them into the next room, where Pikachu discovered a large chest which held…

"GAH! I AM SO SICK OF THESE SUCKY WEAPONS! I GOT A BUNCH OF FREAKING LEAVES AND THEY AREN'T EVEN BIG ENOUGH TO SLICE PEOPLE'S HEADS OFF WITH!"

"Those are Razor Leaves, Pikachu. You can throw them to hit distant enemies and targets, like if this story theoretically had a bow and arrow or something."

"Screw that. If I can't kill it with explosives, there's no point."

When Pikachu and Togetic tried to get back the way they had come, they realized they would have to retwist the freaky hallway, and when they couldn't figure out how to do that, they instead sat down and smoked Pikachu's supply of emergency pot until the hallway appeared twisted to them, then walked on through.

––

"T-money, this might be the happy grass talking, but I think that painting's looking at me," Pikachu said some time later.

"Of _course _I'm looking at you, dumbass! I've been trying to get your attention for the past fifteen minutes!" Jo snapped from inside the painting.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH! DEMON PAINTING!" Pikachu screamed, flinging Razor Leaves at it. Jo got extremely pissed off and flew out of the painting, killing Pikachu instantly.

"Um, I hate to tell you this, but the plot demands that Pikachu lives and you die," Togetic said to her.

"Damn," Jo grumbled, disappearing.

"What happened? Did I win?" asked Pikachu, sitting up.

At the other end of the temple they found another painting bearing Beth's likeness.

"MWA HA HA!" she cackled. "You are doomed, foolish Pikachu, for I care not for these senseless plot obligations! Prepare for the last battle you shall ever – "

"Yeah, screw that," said Pikachu, setting the painting on fire.

"HEY! NO FAIR!" Beth screamed as she burned up and died.

When they encountered Amy, they realized that her picture was on a series of large blocks and that they would have to push them around and solve a puzzle in order to defeat her. Needless to say, Pikachu just blew them up instead.

"Boy, this is easier than I thought," he gloated as he and Togetic walked back into the elevator room.

"Yeah, well, this last one looks pretty angry," said Togetic, pointing at the middle of the room where Meg was waiting for them.

"YOOOOOOOOOOU!" she howled at Pikachu. "You may have killed my surprisingly idiotic sisters, but I won't go down so easily!"

"Yeah? Bring it! I can take you!" Pikachu snapped, striking a battle pose.

"VERY WELL! MEET YOUR DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

Suddenly, the scene around them transformed into the set of a game show, with Pikachu and Togetic each standing behind a booth.

"Get ready for – FINAAAAAAAAAAAL JEOPARDY!"

Togetic looked pissed off. "The hell? I thought you two were going to fight!"

"Don't be stupid! I know the plot demands that he win a fight between us, but he cannot possibly win a battle of _wits! _Now, you retarded Pikachu – CHOOSE YOUR CATEGORY!"

"Um, I'll take Stuff I Found up My Nose for 200, Alex."

"THAT'S NOT MY NAME! AND THAT'S NOT A CATEGORY! Your category is 'The Legend of Eevee: Pokéflute of Time' for 200!"

"NO! I'M DOOMED!" Pikachu wailed, banging his head on his podium.

"For 200 Rupees, and your life – my sisters and I were all named after characters from _this _classic work of literature!"

Pikachu slammed his buzzer. "Winnie-the-Pooh!"

"WRONG, YOU FOOL! You didn't answer in the form of a question! …Oh, and you were way the hell off."

Togetic slammed her buzzer. "Can I withdraw from this competition for mental health reasons?"

"NO! Now you must watch as I disembowel your boyfriend!"

"**DON'T YOU DARE LAY A **_**FINGER **_**ON ABSOL!**"

"What? No, I'm talking about this guy," said Meg, pointing at Pikachu.

"Oh. Do whatever you want with him."

"AAAAAAAACK!" Pikachu shrieked as Meg suddenly split into four copies of herself that began circling him. Not knowing what else to do, he started hurling Razor Leaves in every direction until he finally hit Meg and killed her. Unfortunately, he somehow got the idea that Togetic was another ghost and hit her about twenty times before he got distracted by something else.

"Hey, look! That stupid punk elevator finally came back up!"

"Great. Now get over here so I can hug your windpipe to celebrate."

"No time for that! The boss awaits us, and the plot dictates he can't kill me either!"

"That's a shame," Togetic sighed as they rode the elevator down.


	18. Pikachu's Not So Shocking Origin

"Boy, this place is weird," Pikachu gawked as they wandered around the Boss Chamber, whose walls were lined with artwork. "All the paintings are the same."

"And I get the feeling Mewtwo picked them out," Togetic grumbled, looking at the paintings which all depicted an overly-muscular Mewtwo standing on a pile of decapitated heads and holding an electric guitar over his head.

"Do you like them?" asked Mewtwo, who was standing right behind them.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Togetic.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! NO! THEY'RE TERRIBLE!" screamed Pikachu.

Togetic noticed something. "Hey man, why are you riding on that darkly-colored-and-therefore-obviously-evil Rapidash when you can just _hover _everywhere?"

"I just like the effect, okay?" the evil psychic cat griped. "Besides, I'm not really Mewtwo."

"You're not?"

"Hell no. I'm the Evil Spirit from Beyond – GENGAR!"

"Mewtwo" then suddenly reached up and ripped his face off to reveal an enormous grinning head with glowing red eyes and pointy ears. He then unzipped the rest of his full-body costume to reveal a fat purple body with stubby arms and legs.

"Man, that thing chafes like a mother."

"I never knew my mother! I find that offensive!" Pikachu pouted.

"SILENCE, YOU! PREPARE TO BE KILLED IN AN EXTREMELY CONFUSING MANNER!" Gengar bellowed, randomly riding his evil Rapidash off into one of the paintings.

"Okay T-money, now what?" Pikachu sighed.

"Dude, how the hell should I know? I don't even know why I'm in this story anymore," said Togetic, who was busy playing Solitaire with herself.

"Fine! I'll just figure this out myself!" Pikachu snapped, using Razor Leaf on Gengar just as he was emerging from a different painting.

"OW! YOU ASSHOLE! Mewtwo said you would be too stupid to know how to attack me!"

Gengar used Night Shade! Gengar's attack missed!

Pikachu used Thunderbolt on Rapidash! Rapidash fainted!

"Holy hell! I'm _winning!_" Pikachu cheered.

"Plot obligation," Togetic reminded him.

"Fine! We'll settle this man-to-man!" Gengar shouted, kicking his Rapidash's corpse out of the way. "Check _this _out!"

Gengar used Shadow Ball! Ooooh! That looked painful! Pikachu went flying backwards from the impact and crashed to the ground directly in front of Togetic.

"You idiot! You messed up my cards!" Togetic snapped, throwing her hand at him.

"Togetic, how do I deflect those things?" he asked weakly.

"I don't know! Use Tail Whip on them or something! I don't care!" Togetic said impatiently, shoving him back into the fight.

"Okay! Great idea!"

"Come back for more, have you?" Gengar boomed. "I'll teach you not to mess with the Ghost Mastah!"

Gengar used Shadow Ball! Pikachu used Tail Whip!

"HEY! WHAT?" the evil phantom exclaimed, narrowly dodging his own deflected attack. "You can't do that!"

"Try and stop me!" Pikachu taunted.

Gengar used Shadow Ball! Pikachu used Tail Whip! Gengar used Shadow Ball! Pikachu used Tail Whip! Gengar used Shadow Ball! Pikachu used Tail Whip! Gengar used Shadow Ball! Pikachu used Tail Whip! Gengar used Shadow Ball! Pikachu used Tail Whip! Gengar used Shadow Ball! Pikachu used Tail Whip! Gengar used Shadow Ball! Pikachu used Tail Whip! Gengar used Shadow Ball! Pikachu used Tail Whip! Gengar used Shadow Ball! Pikachu used Tail Whip! Gengar used Shadow Ball! Pikachu used Tail Whip!

"T-MONEY, THIS ISN'T WORKING!" Pikachu shouted.

As Gengar launched another Shadow Ball, Pikachu jumped out of its path and it soared past him, blastic Togetic's cards to pieces.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Togetic screamed. "Oh, that _does _it!"

Togetic used Aerial Ace! Man, that is one badass fairy!

"Hey! You can't have any outside help!" Gengar accused. "Don't you follow the gentlemanly rules of combat?"

"Obviously not!" Pikachu retorted, kneeing Gengar in the crotch.

"Fine! You asked for it! I'm bringing you down one way or another!"

Gengar slowly began to rise into the air, and as Pikachu and Togetic watched, he started glowing a blinding yellow.

"What's he doing?" Pikachu demanded.

"TIME TO DESTROY YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL!" the ghost screamed.

"Oh no! We're doomed!" Togetic cried.

Gengar used Explosion! Gengar's attack missed!

"**DAMMIT! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?**" he howled, dying.

"I'm not even going to comment on that one," said Togetic.

Suddenly a large purple vortex appeared in the middle of the floor. Pikachu and Togetic scrambled backwards as Gengar's remains were sucked into it.

"Hey, kid, you did pretty well," came Mewtwo's disembodied voice. "Clearly this plot protection is more powerful than I initially realized. But I shall soon find a way around it, and then, you are DOOMED! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA – HAAAAACK! COUGH! Oh, you get it."

––

As Pikachu and Togetic stepped into the obligatory Shining Blue Portal, they were surprised to find themselves teleported into the Chamber of Sages.

"Aw, man! This place again?" Pikachu complained, crossing his legs. "All this water makes me have to pee."

Suddenly there came a glow from the green platform across from them, and Leafeon materialized on top of it.

"Hello, Pikachu," she said. "I'm sure you figured this out by now, but I'm the Forest Sage."

"You are?" Pikachu gawked.

"Clearly you overestimate him," said Togetic.

"Yes, well, anyway, I have to stay here in the Chamber of Sages and do whatever it is that Sages do. But I can leave you with a small portion of my power to help you with the rest of your journey."

"Really? You got any steroids? Or some Red Bull? That'd be useful."

"Sorry, no dice," said Leafeon, raising up her paws and causing a small green medallion to appear over Pikachu's head.

_Pikachu received the Meadow Plate! Leafeon adds her power to Pikachu's, though that's unfortunately countered by the fact that it's called the "Meadow Plate"! What a sissy name! He's probably gonna get beat up just for carrying that thing around!_

"_I'll always be your friend, Pikachu… and stay away from my magazines!_"

––

Pikachu and Togetic were enveloped in a white light, and when it faded, they found themselves standing back in the Kokiri Forest, in front of the Great Deku Tree.

"Wow. I never thought we'd come back here," remarked Pikachu. "This is where that one important guy died seven years ago."

"Yeah. That's another guy I don't miss," said Togetic.

"Good to see you too, Togetic," said Celebi.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Togetic.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Pikachu. "Wait – I thought you were dead!"

"You screamed at me _before _you remembered that?"

"Yes. Your face is scary."

"Well, don't worry. I _am _dead, and I have you to thank for that, bozo. But don't forget, I can travel through time. This is me from _before _I died, traveled into the future to tell you some things you're too stupid to figure out otherwise."

"Okay, shoot."

"First and most important," said Celebi, "you're probably wondering why you were never able to learn any Grass attacks by yourself. You're probably also wondering why you've been able to use Electric attacks so easily as of late."

"Oh, that," Pikachu said morosely. "No, I already figured that out."

Togetic and Celebi both looked at him in surprise. "You did?" said Celebi.

"Yeah. It's because I'm really a Water-type."

Dead silence.

"**YOU'RE AN ELECTRIC-TYPE, YOU &*?#ING IDIOT!**" Celebi screamed.

"Oh. That makes sense too, I guess."

"Now, let me explain everything. Your mom, who was one fine-looking Raichu I might add, came to this forest when you were a baby and asked me to look after you for her. Since I'm such a great guy, I obviously said yes. Sadly, your mom had been gravely injured in the war, and she died the next day."

"Are you sure that was what happened?" asked Togetic, scratching her head. "I seem to remember hearing she got stabbed to death while she was here. And somebody stole all her money and spent it on – "

"I DO _NOT _HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM!" Celebi snapped at her. "So anyway, Pikachu, now you know your destiny and all that crap. You must save the kingdom of Hyrule. I sure as hell wouldn't have picked you, but that's how it goes."

"Well, I guess I can do that. As long as I have Togetic to help me."

"Meh. Absol seems to follow you, so I guess I'll stick around."

"Wonderful," said Celebi. "Now both of you, get the hell out before this heartwarming scene makes me puke."

And he shoved them out without another word.


	19. The Adventure Heats Up

"Hmm… that cloud above Death Mountain… there's something strange about it…"

Togetic smacked Pikachu. "Hey, shut up! Pointing out obvious things to move the plot along is _my _job, not yours!"

"But T-money, you haven't been moving the plot along at all. You spent the last three days at Lon Lon Ranch getting wasted on milk."

"Okay, shut up. Let's just get going to wherever you just said."

And so they set out up Death Mountain Trail, with Pikachu impaling the guard who tried to stop them, until they finally reached the entrance to Goron City.

"Woah. Where _is _everybody?" Pikachu wondered as they entered the city. It was deathly quiet and there wasn't a single Pokémon to be seen. "There's nobody here!"

"Uh oh. You know what this means, don't you?" Togetic said gravely.

"Yeah! It means we can do whatever the hell we want!" Pikachu cheered, running over to the nearest wall and starting to spray a bunch of nasty graffiti all over it. Togetic sighed and turned away, only to suddenly notice a small Pokémon rolling along the ground.

"Hey, what's that kid think he's doing?" Pikachu demanded.

"I dunno, but he's making me dizzy just watching him," Togetic griped.

"HEY YOU! CUT THAT OUT!" Pikachu bellowed, hurling a bunch of Egg Bombs at the Pokémon and sending him flying in the air and crashing back on the ground.

"OWW! You fat bastard!" he cried, sprawled on the ground in pain. "You'll rue the day you messed with Cyndaquil, son of the great Flareon and hero of the Fire-types!"

"You're Flareon's kid?" Togetic gawked.

"Aww, you mean he didn't name you after me?" Pikachu pouted.

"Why the hell would he do that?"

"Exactly what I was thinking," said Togetic.

"Well, little dude, do you know where all the other Fire-types went?" asked Pikachu. "I'd be more worried about the fact that they're all missing, but since I've been gone for seven years I know I can't be held accountable for this."

"Oh come on, whaddaya think happened? Mewtwo kidnapped all of them and he's gonna feed them to his stupid pet dragon or something! The only reason I got away was that I was smart enough to kick him in the crotch when he tried to take me! By the way, if you ever have to fight him, I'd recommend doing that first."

"Duly noted."

"Anyway, my dad went to the Fire Temple to go save everybody, which was actually pretty retarded of him since he doesn't know the one attack that is powerful enough to beat the dragon. Also, the Fire Temple is in the middle of Death Mountain Crater so anyone who goes there will probably die of heat exhaustion if they don't get barbecued and eaten alive. Think you could go get him for me?"

"Sure! No sweat!"

"Pikachu, I don't think you were listening to what he just said."

"Hey, it's just a stupid volcano. How dangerous can it be?"

––

"Well, that answers that," Togetic said later as Pikachu was writhing on the floor of Death Mountain Crater and covered in second-degree burns.

"Well, I see you're not dead yet, Pikachu. I must say, I'm surprised."

"EEEEEEEEEK! IT'S HIM!" Togetic squealed, zooming over to Absol.

"What? You again?" Pikachu griped. "How do you keep finding me? You _sure _you're not an Internet stalker?"

"Oh, who _cares?_" Togetic gushed. "Hey Absol, are you here to let me have your babies – I mean, teach Pikachu a new song?"

"Well, that was my plan, but Pikachu doesn't look too happy to see me and you're just plain creeping me out. So I might just duck out of here now."

"NO! PLEASE DON'T GO!" Togetic cried, hugging his neck. "I WANT HOT ABSOL BABIES!"

"Okay – okay – if I teach him the Bolero of Fire, do you promise to _never _say that again?"

"I'm not promising anything," Togetic said with a sly grin.

Absol shoved Togetic off and grudgingly plucked out the Bolero of Fire on his harp. Pikachu snickered and was about to make another comment on Absol's questionable masculinity when Togetic roundhouse kicked him in the face before he could open his mouth, so he instead grabbed the Pokéflute of Time and played the song back.

"Congratulations. With this song, you can teleport back to the Fire Temple whenever you want, yadda yadda yadda."

"Dude, we're in a volcano. Why the hell would I ever want to come back here?"

"**DO NOT QUESTION THE GREAT AND SEXY ABSOL!**"

Pikachu sweatdropped. "Chill out, man…"

"And now I must be off. And next time we meet, Pikachu, please don't bring that chick with you," Absol said before turning around and disappearing into the flames.

"CAN I AT LEAST HAVE YOUR HOUSE KEY?" Togetic shouted after him, flailing her arms.

"Y'know, as much as I hate that guy, you act so stupid around him it makes me feel like the smart one," remarked Pikachu.

Togetic narrowed her eyes at him. "What's two plus two?"

"What's a two?"

"Yep, you're the smart one all right."

––

Pikachu and Togetic found the entrance to the Fire Temple, and after a little exploring they finally encountered the person they had been looking for.

"Hey, Flarey-dude! Long time no see, my dawg!" said Pikachu, holding up his hand for a high five.

"OH DEAR SWEET ENTEI! IT'S HIDEOUS!" Flareon screamed, trampling Pikachu into the ground.

"Dude, what are you doing? That's Pichu, a.k.a. the guy who saved your ass seven years ago!" Togetic snapped at him.

"It is?" Flareon said dumbly, then turned to look down at Pikachu. "Holy crap! PICHU, MY BOY! IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!" he cheered, hugging the unfortunate Pikachu very tightly.

"Actually, the trampling was less painful than this," Pikachu choked out.

"I'm sorry! I thought you were one of the horrible monsters that live here in the Fire Temple! I came here to save the rest of the Fire-types, and I guess my guard was up."

"Uh, yeah, we heard that there's a dragon in here somewhere?"

"That's right! I'm going to go slay it too, despite the fact that I don't know the one attack that can possibly defeat it and it will probably kill me and eat me if I lose. Good plan, right?"

"Uh…" Pikachu and Togetic looked at each other.

"So, we met your son," Togetic changed the subject. "I didn't know you were married."

"Huh? Oh, I'm not. I was at this party years back and met this smoking-hot Quilava, and we both got really drunk, and then we were in this room alone together, and… she…"

Togetic looked disgusted. "Flareon, you _didn't!_"

"She… _she convinced me to adopt!_" Flareon sobbed. "She said there were so many kids who were left orphans by Mewtwo… and it was my duty as leader of the Fire-types… she was so hot! I couldn't say no!"

Togetic sighed, looking satisfied. "Oh, well, that's okay. I thought you were going to say that you – "

"And then we totally did it."

"YOU BASTARD!" Togetic screamed, throwing him to the ground and punching him in the face.

"Uh, well, if you're going to go beat the dragon, we'll just be off then," Pikachu coughed.

"Now wait a minute! Why don't you two go save the rest of the Fire-types while I go slay the dragon? This is hard work for one person!"

"If we do, will you give me a reward?"

"You can have another hug."

"I'm not feeling the incentive here."

"Perfect! Then it's settled!" Flareon said cheerfully, shoving Pikachu and Togetic through an open door and slamming it behind them.

"What the – DAMN YOU, OLD MAN!" Pikachu shouted, spinning around and banging on the door.

"Come on, Pikachu," Togetic sighed. "We don't want those Fire-types to get eaten. We should do the right thing and save them, even if it puts us in danger."

Pikachu gave her a weird look. "T-money, that's the most retarded thing you've ever said."

"Yeah, you're right. Sorry."


	20. Through the Fire and Flames on Expert

"So, why do you think they have a wooden bridge directly above a floor that's covered in lava?"

"Hyrule is full of idiots. I've learned to live with it," Togetic sighed.

Pikachu walked across the bridge as best he could, though he ended up getting blasted with fire that shot up from underneath him every three steps. At the other end of the rocky volcanic chamber, they found a door that led to a small cage.

"OH PLEASE, DON'T EAT ME!" screamed Growlithe, covering his head with his paws. "I'm bad for you! I, uh… have an STD!"

"While I don't doubt that, we're actually here to save you," Togetic said impatiently.

Pikachu sniffed the air. "Dude, are you covered in meat sauce?"

"Yes. Mewtwo covered us all in it. Apparently the dragon likes it."

"T-money, this is worse than I thought!" Pikachu cried, banging on the bars of the cage. "**HOW ARE WE GOING TO FREE THEM ALL?**"

He just then noticed Togetic stepping on the hugely conspicuous floor switch directly in front of the cage, causing the bars to slide away.

Pikachu sweatdropped. "I knew that."

"Sweet! I'm free to go?" Growlithe cried joyfully, leaping to his feet. "I'll tell you a secret for saving me!"

"Really? What?"

"If you want to save Hyrule, you have to defeat Mewtwo."

"No way," Pikachu gawked as Growlithe trotted away.

––

In the next room was an enormous pillar of fire that shot up periodically, leading to a hole in the ceiling.

"That must be how we get up to the second floor," Togetic mused. "If we stand underneath it, it'll launch us up."

"Awesome! Let's do it!" Pikachu exclaimed, scampering on top of the grate where the fire was coming from. "ROCKET POWERS ACTIVATE!"

He was promptly and horrifically burned by the plume of fire that shot up.

"On second thought, maybe we're supposed to ride the giant block through the ceiling," he choked out.

"Already on top of it," Togetic called from high above him, pushing the aforementioned giant block off a ledge. Pikachu's eyes bulged and he didn't have time to get out of the way before it landed directly on top of him.

"You're not a very good Hero of Time, are you?" Togetic remarked as she floated down next to him.

Somehow managing to survive that ordeal, Pikachu and Togetic rode on the block as the flame launched it through the ceiling. Traipsing through the second floor eventually found them in a large maze with several huge boulders rolling around.

"NO, NO, NO!" Pikachu screamed, clutching his head. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF GETTING HIT BY GIANT ROCKS! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

"Those look like they'd be pretty painful if you got hit by one," said Togetic, grinning in anticipation.

Pikachu lost it. "SCREW THAT! IT'S BEEN FIVE MINUTES AND THIS TEMPLE HAS ALREADY ALMOST KILLED ME, LIKE, TWELVE TIMES! I HATE THIS PLACE AND EVERYTHING IN IT!"

Rather than navigating through the maze, the enraged Pikachu instead threw a bunch of Egg Bombs at the walls, blasting his way through.

"That guy is scaring me," whimpered Chimchar, who was imprisoned in a cage on the other side of the maze.

"He does get blood lust sometimes," said Togetic.

After rescuing Chimchar and several other Fire-types who were imprisoned around the maze while fighting off Zubats and Slugmas, the dynamic duo found themselves in a room with a grate floor suspended over a floor of lava.

"Well as long as you don't somehow fall off the floor, we should be safe in here," Togetic decided.

No sooner had she spoken than a towering wall of fire suddenly shot up directly behind them. Pikachu and Togetic spun around and gaped as the fire started traveling down the floor, moving closer to them with every second.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Togetic screamed.

"THIS #*?&ING TEMPLE IS #*?&ING TRYING TO KILL ME!" Pikachu shrieked, stomping around in a rampage before Togetic pulled him to safety.

––

After several more hours of navigating through flame-filled rooms and getting repeatedly blasted, Pikachu came across a suspicious-looking door set into the wall.

"Hey, Pikachu, that door looks like a fake to me," Togetic remarked. "I wouldn't open it if I were you."

"Oh please. Even if it's fake, what could it do to me?"

He quickly got his answer as the door fell on top of him and crushed him.

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" he raged, shoving it off of him. "You'll pay for that, you bastard!"

Togetic looked at him strangely. "Pikachu, are you picking a fight with a _door?"_

"Shut up, woman! My honor is at stake here!" Pikachu declared, throwing a volley of punches at the door. Togetic sat back and watched the "fight," which really only consisted of Pikachu attempting to punch a door as it fell over and flattened him several more times. Finally even she grew too embarrassed for him and grabbed him by the tail, dragging him off.

"THIS ISN'T OVER!" Pikachu shouted at the door.

––

Eventually, Pikachu found his way into a room with a fire pillar in the middle. No sooner had he entered than a portcullis slammed over the door behind him.

"I don't like the look of that," Togetic said uneasily.

"UM, LIKE, WHO DARES ENTER MY AWESOME DOMAIN OF AWESOMENESS?" boomed a strangely effeminate voice from inside the fire.

Togetic frowned. "What the hell?"

All of a sudden, out of the fire came leaping an Infernape wearing a leotard. It spun around several times before striking a pose at Pikachu.

"Dear sweet Entei! You are a fashion _disaster!_" it bellowed at him. "My super spectacular dance moves and I are going to have to teach you a lesson!"

"WHAT THE HECK?" Pikachu screamed as it began rapidly pirouetting around the room while blasting Flame Wheels at him.

"I'm going to avoid making the obvious joke of that guy being _flaming_," Togetic snickered as Pikachu ran frantically around the room, attempting to avoid the blasts of fire.

"LIKE, STOP MOVING, YOU JERK!" the Infernape yelled at him before breaking into a Riverdance. "ALL THIS DANCING IS MAKING ME SWEATY!"

Not knowing what else to do, Pikachu grabbed his Vine Whip and lashed it out at the Infernape. To his utter shock, it knocked its head clean off, which then started bouncing around the room.

"**HOLY SH#T!**" Pikachu shrieked, thoroughly mind raped.

"Do I look thinner this way?" the Infernape's head asked before throwing itself at Pikachu and pummeling the crap out of him. Meanwhile, its disoriented body was staggering around the room and crashing into the walls.

"This is without a doubt, the weirdest thing I've ever seen while sober," Togetic decided.

"TOGETIC, DO SOMETHING!" shouted Pikachu, blindly throwing punches at the Infernape head biting down on his ear.

"You do realize, you're biting that guy and he's ridiculously high in fat," Togetic informed the head.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" it wailed, immediately letting go of Pikachu and dropping to the ground. "I worked so hard on this awesome bod! Now I'll be FAT! _Nobody _will find me attractive now!"

"The whole missing-your-head thing is kind of a turnoff too," Pikachu remarked.

"SHUT UP! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU UGLY WANNABE POSER!"

Before the head could finish Pikachu off, he gave it a lethal drop kick into the pillar of fire. As it burned up while screaming something about "This isn't what I meant by burning carbs," Pikachu and Togetic promptly agreed they would never speak of this battle ever again.

––

A few minutes later, the two of them found themselves in a room with a huge winding staircase leading up to a big chest. Unfortunately, falling off would lead all the way down to the bottom floor of the temple.

"Oh, no! Not this again!" Pikachu cried. "I'm terrible with heights!"

"You can make it, Pikachu. Just remember what you're fighting for."

"…What _am _I fighting for?"

"Once you save Hyrule, you'll be showered with all the candy you can handle."

"FOR THE CANDY!" Pikachu shrieked, charging blindly up the stairs and triumphantly reaching the chest.

"YAY! I finally did it!" he cheered in joy. "I conquered my fear! I am the Stairmaster! I – **AAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHH!**" he screamed as an unfortunately placed Zubat shoved him off the landing and sent him falling all the way down.

––

Twenty minutes later, a badly injured and enraged Pikachu reappeared in the room and came charging up the stairs again.

"_There! _I did it _again! _I conquered my fear _again! _Now all I have to do is open that stupid chest and I – "

"Oh, don't bother. I flew over and opened it nineteen minutes ago," said Togetic, who was sitting on top of the opened chest.

"**WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?**"

"You really still have to ask me that?"

"Well, at least I get a badass pair of brass knuckles," he sighed as Togetic dumped the treasure into his hands.

"That's right! Looks like now you can use Metal Claw! That must be the only attack powerful enough to defeat the dragon."

"Since when is Steel good against Dragon?"

"Shut up."

––

Pikachu wasted no time plowing his way through the rest of the temple, busting heads left and right with his new attack and cackling evilly and insanely all the while. He also rescued a bunch more Fire-types by hitting a bunch of rusted switches, which conveniently didn't show up until _after _he had Metal Claw. When he and Togetic couldn't figure out how to get back down to the ground level, he just punched a hole in the floor that sent him plummeting all the way back down to the entrance.

"That might not have been a good idea," he groaned from where he was sprawled on the ground as Togetic nonchalantly flew down after him.

As they set off looking for the last of the imprisoned Fire-types, they entered a room which contained an enormous, disgusting gelatinous blob.

"Eeeeeeew. That's a Muk," Togetic whined. "You'd better stay away from that thing, Pikachu."

"You're kidding, right?" Pikachu scoffed, marching directly up to it. "It's like, a big pile of puke! How dangerous can it be?"

By the time he had finished his sentence, he was already inside its mouth.

"**SON OF A – **" he screamed as he thrashed and flailed around insanely. Finally he planted an Egg Bomb, blowing up the Muk from the inside and covering the room in slimy purple stuff.

"Once we clear this temple, I'm repressing my memory of the whole thing," he decided.

––

"_There! _Finally!" Pikachu fumed after they had finally looped around the entire temple and returned to the room where they had first met Flareon. "We save all those Fire-types who were stupid enough to get their asses kidnapped! Now we can go, right?"

"I don't know, Pikachu," Togetic said reluctantly. "We've combed this entire place and rescued everyone we've met, but… I think there's someone we haven't seen yet. There should still be one more Fire-type imprisoned somewhere."

Pikachu started twitching all over. "**YOU MEAN WE MISSED ONE? AND NOW WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT ENTIRE ENTEI-FORESAKEN PLACE AGAIN LOOKING FOR IT?**"

"You might want to get your blood pressure checked out," Togetic observed.

Pikachu and Togetic ended up going through the entire temple five additional times, ruining Pikachu's hopes of making it with all of his internal organs in one piece. No matter how hard they looked, though, they couldn't find the imprisoned Fire-type anywhere.

"THIS IS USELESS!" Pikachu cried as he blew up the door and came stomping back into the same room as before. "We can't find that bastard anywhere! Can we just say he died and move on with our lives?"

"Um… hello? I'm right over here!" came a voice. Pikachu and Togetic turned around to find a Torkoal standing in a cage.

"What? You were right there the whole time?" Togetic said incredulosly. "But Flareon was standing right here when we met him! Why didn't he save you?"

Torkoal shrugged. "I asked him that! I told him to get me out of here, but he said rescuing everybody was _your _guys' job. Then he just up and left!"

Pikachu was eerily silent.

"Here comes the fun part," Togetic said to Torkoal.

"**THAT STUPID MOTHER#*?&ING SON OF A #*?&ING #*?&!**" Pikachu screamed. "**I WENT THROUGH THAT WHOLE #*?&ING TEMPLE AND LOST THE USE OF MY KIDNEYS FOR NOTHING! _THAT B#TCH IS GOING DOWN!_**"

He charged across the room, shrieking in a blind rage as he hurled a bunch of Egg Bombs at the door and blasted his way into the Boss Chamber.

"Pikachu! Wait a sec!" said Togetic, flying after him.

"Uh… guys? I'm still in here," said Torkoal.

**––**

**A/N: **Another long break without an update… sorry, guys. School totally sucks like that. Anyway, the Torkoal thing is the truth. When you first find Darunia, there's a Goron practically right across from him that he doesn't even bother to rescue. XD

And some more fun facts. First, "Big Pile of Puke" is the name of an actual enemy in EarthBound. Second, did you know the Like Like got its own trophy in Brawl? Who the hell would want one of those?


	21. And Speaking of Dragonforce

**A/N: **Ladies and gentlemen, I present the greatest boss fight in the story. Except maybe Mewtwo, we'll have to wait and see.

––

Pikachu and Togetic entered the Boss Chamber and looked around nervously. The rocky island on which they were standing was covered in lava pools and surrounded by molten rock on all sides. There seemed to be no way out.

"I don't see Flareon anywhere," said Pikachu. "What do you think happened?"

"I don't know, but something tells me the story is going to be intentionally vague and never tell us," Togetic decided.

"Well, I'm not afraid of any dumb dragon!" Pikachu declared, striking some sort of ridiculous battle pose that was meant to look intimidating. "I have the ultimate attack! BRING IT ON!"

For a moment, nothing happened. Then suddenly, the entire room began to rumble and shake, and the lava around them began to boil. One of the pools in front of them seemed to grow hotter and hotter as flames began to shoot out of it.

Pikachu and Togetic gaped in horror as an enormous Charizard came exploding out from under the lava. It circled above their heads and emitted a deafening shriek.

"**RUN AWAY!**" screamed Pikachu.

"**CARRY ME!**" screamed Togetic, diving into his arms.

Pikachu ran frantically around the rock island as Charizard flew after him, roaring and blasting Flamethrowers at him.

"You have to actually _fight _it, Pikachu!" Togetic yelled at him.

"HOW THE HECK DO I DO THAT?"

"**YOU FOOLS!**" Charizard roared at them. "YOU LET MY DINNER ESCAPE! NOW I'M _HUNGRY! _DO YOU _KNOW _WHAT I DO WHEN I'M HUNGRY?"

"Not eat things?" Pikachu asked hopefully.

"KILL THINGS, _THEN _EAT THINGS!"

Charizard used Rock Slide! It soared high up into the air and caused an avalanche of boulders to come crashing down all around the hapless heroes.

"We'll never hit it from up there!" Togetic cried as they frantically jumped around to evade the falling rocks. "You have to goad it down here somehow!"

"You mean _you _goad it down here somehow!" Pikachu shouted. "You're the flying one and stuff!"

"HELL NO! YOU'RE NOT DRAGGING ME INTO THIS!"

Pikachu grabbed Togetic and hurled her directly up at Charizard. It stopped what it was doing and glared at her, and she started sweating profusely.

"Uh… CHARIZARDS SUCK! EVERYBODY KNOWS TYPHLOSION IS BETTER!"

"**_DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!_**" Charizard raged, chasing the screaming Togetic down to the ground and blasting flames at her.

"DO SOMETHING, PIKACHU!"

"Huh?" Pikachu pulled his finger out of his nose and snapped to attention. "Oh, right!"

Pikachu used Metal Claw! In an inexplicable display of badassery, he jumped onto Charizard's head as it flew by and bashed his fist directly into its skull.

"AAAARGH!" the dragon bellowed in pain. "WHY ON EARTH DID I KEEP THE ONLY WEAPON POWERFUL ENOUGH TO DEFEAT ME HERE IN THIS DUNGEON?"

"That was pretty stupid of you," Togetic noted.

"SHUT IT, BOTH OF YOU!" Charizard roared, swiping Pikachu off its head and sending him flying across the floor, where he lay stunned.

"Pikachu! Get up, you fat idiot!" Togetic cried in alarm.

"Urgh… my flying carrots have gone rabid and are after my cheese puffs… **AARDVARK!**" Pikachu slurred deliriously.

"Oh, great," Togetic groaned. "Now what do we do? There's nobody left to fight!"

She looked at herself. "Wait…"

"AND NOW TO EAT YOU! I COULD USE A LITTLE FAT IN MY DIET!" Charizard declared. He was just about to swallow Pikachu whole when suddenly, Togetic flew up from out of nowhere and headbutted him in the stomach.

"OW! WHAT THE HELL? WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING THAT IDIOT?"

"I HAVE NO IDEA!" Togetic screamed.

Charizard started spewing a volley of Flamethrowers at Togetic, but she dodged every one of them. Finally she whipped around and used Aerial Ace, slamming into the massive dragon again and again. It was unable to do anything other than roar in fury.

"Hot damn!" she cheered. "I'm awesome! I get to be a hero too! I – "

Charizard used Blast Burn! Togetic was directly hit!

"**T-MONEY!**" Pikachu cried as the burned and blackened Togetic plummeted directly to the ground.

"HA HA HA!" Charizard laughed triumphantly. "I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THIS STORY SUDDENLY GOT SO SERIOUS, BUT IT'S AWESOME!"

Pikachu was filled with rage. "You bastard! You can't go around frying people who aren't automatically guaranteed to live by the power of plot protection! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!"

Charizard gave him a weird look. "YEAH? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?"

"**I DON'T KNOW!**" Pikachu shrieked in fury, charging directly at Charizard and swinging his fists, striking it repeatedly in the head.

Pikachu used Metal Claw! It's super effective… somehow!

"**NOOOOOOOOOO!**" Charizard howled in an overly dramatic fashion. It writhed in pain and then launched itself up into the air, where it twisted and flailed before finally catching fire. It burned up in midair and its charred skeleton came crashing to the ground.

"T-moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Pikachu cried once everything had fallen still. He raced over to where Togetic was lying on the ground, picked her up and started sniffling.

"Please don't die, Togetic," he whimpered. "What am I going to do if I don't have your sarcasm and physical abuse to guide me? Hell, I can't even remember what I'm supposed to do next! YOU CAN'T DIE!"

When Togetic didn't respond, Pikachu threw his head back and wailed, which actually would have been very cute if it hadn't been so sad. After he had been crying for several moments, he suddenly felt something moving in his grasp. He gasped and looked down in time to see Togetic blinking her eyes open.

"Uh… what are you doing, Pikachu?"

"**EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**" Pikachu cried in joy, hugging her uncomfortably tightly.

"Ow," Togetic grumbled, blushing a little. "Please let me go. I hate you."

"I HATE YOU TOO!" Pikachu sobbed happily.

He refused to let go of Togetic as he pranced into the Shining Blue Portal, where they were enveloped in a blaze of light.

––

Down in Kakariko Village, everybody was meandering around and doing whatever things people normally do when they're ruled by an evil psychic cat, when suddenly there came an enormous eruption from Death Mountain. Everyone panicked and looked up at the fiery volcano, and were shocked to see the evil glowy cloud around it being sucked away. With a shimmer of purple, it vanished up and out of sight and the sky became blue and peaceful once again.

"Holy Suicune! The evil cloud thingy's gone!" gawked the Sentret guard. "There's only one possible explanation for this!"

"ALIENS!" shrieked a random Zigzagoon.

"ALIENS?" cried everyone else, and within seconds Kakariko was thrown into chaos as everyone ran around flailing their arms and screaming.

––

When the lighted faded around Pikachu and Togetic, they saw they were back in the Chamber of Sages once again.

"Oooh, I wonder who the Fire Sage is!" Pikachu said excitedly.

"I have no idea," Togetic muttered.

Suddenly the red platform across from them started to glow, and to absolutely nobody's surprise, Flareon appeared.

"Hello there, Pikachu, my sworn brother!" he said proudly. "I knew I was wise to put my faith in you! I never doubted you would slay that horrible dragon and save my people!"

Togetic looked surprised. "You didn't? You do know he's an idiot, right?"

"Yes, but he's the hero of this story, so he has no choice," Flareon reminded her. "Now Pikachu, as the Sage of Fire I must remain here in the Chamber of Sages, mostly because I have no idea how the hell to get out of here."

"Huh? Aren't you worried about your kid? And like, the rest of the Fire-types who don't have a leader now?"

"Not particularly. Anyway, take this dealy with you, because it helps you for some reason," said Flareon, raising up his arms. With a flash, a small red medallion suddenly appeared in the air between them.

_Pikachu received the Flame Plate! Flareon adds his power to Pikachu's, but considering how many times Pikachu nearly got his ass killed, I'm starting to wonder whether it's really worth it!_

"_Now you and I are true brothers… although I still don't really know what that means…"_


	22. Ice, Ice, Baby

"I can't believe it. Flareon was the Fire Sage all along," Pikachu sighed as he and Togetic returned to Goron City.

"Y'know, I'm starting to notice some similarities between the Sages," said Togetic.

"Really? What?"

"Oh, nothing…"

"Hey, hey! Look everybody! He's here!" cheered a voice. Pikachu and Togetic noticed that Cyndaquil was pointing at them and waving at all the other Fire-types to take notice. At the sight of the Hero of Time, everyone burst out cheering.

"You did it, Pikachu! You saved all the Fire-types!" chirruped Cyndaquil. "How did you do it, man?"

"Beats me."

"Aren't you concerned that your dad never came back?" asked Togetic.

"Not particularly. Anyway, we're having a party to celebrate, and you're the guest of honor, Pikachu!"

"Awesome! What are we doing?"

"The same thing we always do at parties – get drunk and hit each other with rocks!"

"SWEET!"

And so Pikachu scrambled off with all the other party-hearty Fire-types to cause himself massive brain damage in more ways than one.

––

"Damn that Hero of Time!" Mewtwo growled. He was sitting in the tallest spire of his Evil Castle of Doom, pounding on an organ. "He's somehow managed to survive this long when all logic says his entrails should be scattered across Hyrule by now! I'm playing this dramatic organ music to express my rage!"

"Aren't you just playing The Phantom of the Opera?" asked the pink, vaguely feline Pokémon seated next to him.

"**THAT IS IRRELEVANT!**" Mewtwo thundered, standing up and knocking over the organ. "Look Espeon, I summoned you here because you are my most loyal consort and I need advice. Should I kill this Pikachu painfully, or _extremely _painfully?"

"I think you should figure out a way to get around this plot protection. Otherwise he'll just kick your ass, like what happens to all video game villains."

"Oh, what do you know about video games? You're a _woman!_" Mewtwo spat at her. "Also, it seems to me like all the Sages have something in common! Have you noticed?"

Espeon sweatdropped. "Not really…"

"Well, if it were anything significant that was going to bite me in the ass later, I'm sure I would figure it out," Mewtwo decided. "Now, you! Return to Gerudo Fortress with all the other women and go back to doing your womanly things! I have some evil dramatic plotting to do."

"Yes, sir," Espeon growled, then turned around and started sharpening a knife. "_This time, he gets it in the back…_"

"What did you say?"

"Nothing."

––

"Pikachu… Pikachu… oh for the love of Suicune, Pikachu, _wake up!_"

"Huh?" Pikachu groggily opened his eyes and found himself laying sprawled in a random room somewhere in Goron City.

"What the – HOLY CRAP! I'VE BEEN ASLEEP FOR SEVEN YEARS!" he cried.

"If by seven years, you mean twelve hours," said Togetic, who was hovering impatiently over him. "Now look, I'm getting the feeling we should get over to Zora's Domain. An arctic wind is blowing from over there; can't you feel it?"

"Maybe you should ask me that when I'm not hung over," Pikachu groaned.

Togetic dragged the very reluctant Pikachu out of Goron City, and the duo traveled all the way to Zora's Domain, but before they could even enter, they arrived at a problem.

"The hell, man? The waterfall's frozen! We can't get through!" Pikachu complained.

"No sweat," said Togetic, grabbing him and bashing him against the ice until it broke, which was at least faster than waiting for two hours for Pikachu to remember Eevee's Lullaby. As they passed through and entered Zora's Domain, they immediately noticed something was different about the place.

"Dude! _Everything's _frozen!"

"Everything and every_one_," gawked Togetic. All of the Water-types were immobilized within the ice that now covered Zora's Domain. While most were wearing pained or terrified expressions, a few were doing things like picking their noses, hitting each other, or sitting around looking drunk.

"Well, this sucks. _Now _what do we do?"

"I have a plan," said Togetic, grabbing Pikachu again.

"NO! NO! NEVER AGAIN!"

Before she could bash Pikachu's head any further, Togetic was suddenly distracted by a red glint coming from the throne room. Unceremoniously dropping Pikachu, she flew up to investigate and discovered that frozen in an enormous block of red ice was King Swampert, who was doing something very disgusting with a banana.

"Oh dear Raikou… close your eyes, Pikachu."

"Mghf rmf mmrfmgr?" asked Pikachu, who had been licking the ice and now had his tongue stuck.

Togetic pulled him off and dragged him out into Zora's Fountain, where Pikachu's unmatched powers of perception immediately noticed something was wrong.

"Hey, man, the whole fountain got frozen up too! And Wailord's even gone!"

"Thank Suicune," Togetic grumbled, remembering the last time. "Look Pikachu, we clearly have to save all the Water-types, no matter how big of pervs they are. But we don't even know where the Water Temple is."

"Aw, come on, T-money. Can't you use your powers of plot advancement to figure out where we're supposed to go?"

"Well, I can give it a shot… 'Oh, Pikachu! Look over at that huge, plot relevant-looking cave over at the other end of the fountain! We should go investigate!'"

"Yeah!" Pikachu cheered, leaping across the ice floes that would lead over to the Ice Cavern. "Now that's what I'm talking about! You're the best, Togetic!"

––

"YOU HAVE THE WORST POWERS OF PLOT ADVANCEMENT EVER!" Pikachu screamed as he was being frozen alive by a group of Abomasnows.

Togetic shrugged. "Sorry. Must be out of practice."

Pikachu finally remembered that he knew Flame Wheel and immediately busted it out, sending out a shock wave of broiling flames and frying everything in the room.

"MWA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA! I AM SUCH A BADASS! I AM UNSTOPPABLE!"

He charged further into the Ice Cavern, only to be immediately impaled by a giant falling icicle.

"You should know by now not to tempt fate like that," said Togetic.

They ventured into the next room where they saw an enormous fan set into the floor, its circling blades slicing across the room.

"Okay Pikachu, now just stay to the edge of the room here and you can work your way around to – why do you still have that icicle stuck in you?"

"It hurts when I touch it," Pikachu whimpered.

Quickly moving on, Togetic noticed that the only way out of the room was currently locked. She continuously insisted that Pikachu stay somewhere safe while she figured out what to do, but because he was such a greedy bastard he decided to try grabbing all the Silver Rupees that were lying around.

"Well, gnawing these things off hasn't worked," Togetic mused as she gazed at the bars of the portcullis. "And I have no access to high-powered explosives or a giant drill… Pikachu, what do you think?"

"**BEHOLD!** I AM THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD!" Pikachu cackled evilly with an armful of Silver Rupees. "NOW JIGGLYPUFF WILL LOVE ME! AND I CAN BRIBE MEWTWO INTO SUBMISSION! AND I – **OH DEAR ENTEI!**" he shrieked as he had his throat sliced by one of the blades.

"It was worth it," he whimpered painfully from where he was now laying on the ground, amongst quite a bit of squirting blood.

"You do know those things don't even have any monetary value," Togetic said flatly.

"**NOW YOU TELL ME THAT?**" Pikachu raged.

At any rate, Pikachu's grabbing the Rupees somehow magically caused the door to open, so he and Togetic were able to plow their way through several more rooms after that. They got attacked by many more Abomasnows in the process, but Togetic came up with the bright idea of stabbing them all to death with the icicle still protruding from Pikachu's stomach.

"Finally, you're being useful," she said good-naturedly as they entered an icy room filled with Zubats, Silver Rupees, and some kind of sliding block thing.

"Well, darn. Looks like another stupid and time-consuming puzzle," Togetic sighed. "Let's just get this over with, Pikachu."

Pikachu didn't answer. He had fallen into the bottomless pit in the corner of the room.

"WHY IS IT THAT WHENEVER WE GO SOMEWHERE NEW, YOU AUTOMATICALLY DO THE _STUPIDEST THING POSSIBLE?_" Togetic screamed down after him.

Suddenly, Togetic heard a high-pitched "YIIIIIIIIIIIIII" from high above her head, and looked up in time to see Pikachu come falling down from the ceiling and land on top of her.

"You'll never guess where I went, T-money!" he said excitedly.

"Well, now I guess we know what happens when you fall into a bottomless pit," Togetic grumbled.

After shoving Pikachu off of her, she decided it would be easiest for her to get the Silver Rupees since she could fly and whatnot, while Pikachu in the meantime was distracted by a large blue flame that was burning in one of the alcoves of the room.

"Soooooo pretty," he sighed.

"Hey, you don't think that blue fire has any kind of connection to the red ice that's encasing King Swampert, do you?" Togetic wondered as she flew over.

"The hell? That's the worst logic I've ever heard!"

"Then why are you filling all your bottles with it?"

"Because it's _fire_, dammit! There is nothing about fire that is not inherently awesome!"

Deciding not to question Pikachu's flawless logic, Togetic settled for watching him as he struggled with the immense sliding block, getting flattened by it numerous times. Somehow he finally he got it directly underneath the ledge where he had to go.

"VICTORY IS MINE!" he declared.

"Great. You are the undisputed master of defeating inanimate objects. Now just as long as we don't have to fight any Pokémon in here, you'll be good to go."

"Aw, that's not very likely. This place isn't even a real dungeon."

No sooner had he said that than he and Togetic had entered a strangely psychedelic-looking room, only for an enormous albino Mightyena to spring up out of nowhere and attack them.

"WHY AM I ALWAYS WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING?" Pikachu screamed as the Mightyena bit down on him and started shaking him around.

"Come _on_, Pikachu! There's gotta be something you can do to beat this guy!" Togetic shouted impatiently at him. The Mightyena was running in circles around the room, dragging the screaming Hero of Time all the while.

"Okay, okay!" Pikachu cried. After delivering the Mightyena a punch to the jaw and dislodging himself, Pikachu uncorked one of his bottles and hurled the blue fire directly at it, sending it bursting into flames.

"MWA HA HA HA! I KILL YOU WITH FIRE!"

"Not exactly what I had in mind, but okay," said Togetic.

Unfortunately, the Mightyena didn't look fazed at all by Pikachu's attack. After realizing it was on fire, it sniffed at itself a little before turning to Pikachu and growling, looking very annoyed indeed.

Togetic sweatdropped. "Great. Now it's an enormous bloodthirsty Mightyena that's _on fire!_"

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" Pikachu wailed.

And so Pikachu and Togetic ran screaming around the shiny drug-trip-reminiscent room to evade being mauled to death by the enormous flaming wolf chasing after them. …Wait, what?

"Okay, that's it! Time to end this the only way I know how – GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE!" Pikachu declared, spinning around. Just as the Mightyena was upon him, Pikachu swung his fist and struck it directly in the skull with a Metal Claw. It howled in pain and its body burned up and disappeared.

"Wow! Nicely done, Pikachu," said Togetic.

"Thanks," said Pikachu, not seeming to notice that his hand was now on fire.

"Indeed, Pikachu, that was pretty impressive," said Absol, who had used his ninja powers to mysteriously appear out of nowhere. Togetic responded with the predictable shriek, but Absol sprayed her in the face with a can of mace before she could throw herself at him.

"Oh, just %*?#ing great! Not _you _again!" Pikachu fumed before narrowing his eyes. "Wait a minute… I recognize that can of mace."

Absol looked around nervously. "Uh… no you don't."

"Oh. Okay then."

"Now look, Pikachu. Unless you're even stupider than I thought, you noticed that everyone in Zora's Domain is frozen. The only one I managed to rescue is Princess Vaporeon, who is currently at the Water Temple under Lake Hylia."

Pikachu's ears perked up. "Really? So she's taking care of the temple so I don't have to go there?"

"Of course you freaking have to go there, you lazy bastard. But you'll need this to get there," said Absol, throwing a TM at Pikachu's head. "That will teach you Iron Tail. When you use it, your ass will be so heavy that you'll sink in water."

"I fail to see how that will help things."

"If it means you drown, how will it _not _help things?" asked Togetic.

"My thoughts exactly. Oh, and I should probably teach you the Serenade of Water too. Because time is like a river, blah blah blah, all that symbolism."

"You're not putting very much enthusiasm in this role," noted Pikachu.

"Let's just say I never have much to look forward to," Absol grumbled as Togetic was nomming on his head. After punching her in the face and subduing her, he pulled out his ridiculously manly harp and plucked out the Serenade of Water, and Pikachu pulled out his equally manly flute and played it back.

"Now, make sure you don't screw anything up over there, or I'll be forced to kick your ass," said Absol. Then he stepped backward and used Flash, vanishing without a trace.

"Well, screw him!" Pikachu pouted, folding his arms. "Even I'm not stupid enough to drown myself! I'm not using that Iron Tail move as long as I live!"

"Pikachu, you need it to get out of this room."

"I freaking hate that guy."

**––**

**A/N: **Sooooo, any thoughts from you guys on what the "Zora Tunic" could possibly be? I've got nothing.


	23. Pikachu's Hilarious Marital Problems

**A/N: **Thanks everyone for the overwhelming amount of feedback about my Zora Tunic dilemma. After reading the suggestions I decided I like the Camouflage idea best, so thanks Darkamber8828 and Gaia Dragon for the idea. (Several people also recommended Dive, but that's the Silver Scale, remember?)

––

Pikachu miraculously made it out of the Ice Cavern and back to Zora's Domain without drowning, although on the way back he happened to pass by another Great Fairy Fountain. Togetic was not very excited about that.

"NO! NO! NEVER AGAIN! YOU'RE NEVER GETTING ME IN THERE ALIVE!" she shrieked, throwing herself to the ground and pounding dramatically on the ice. "_NEVER, YOU HEAR ME?_"

"T-money, I already went in. You've been having that tantrum for like, fifteen minutes," said Pikachu. "But guess what? Now I can use Teleport! Isn't that sweet?"

"Really? Can I see?"

"Uh, no. I guess I can only use it in dungeons."

Togetic frowned. "Well, that's retarded."

"I thought so too. That's why I beat up that Great Fairy and stole her money."

"Good. I have trained you well, young padawan."

Returning to Zora's Domain, they found King Swampert was still frozen in the enormous block of red ice.

"Now Pikachu, _please _tell me you've figured out how to get this guy out of the ice," Togetic sighed, hoping he'd put two and two together about the blue fire.

"You bet I have!" Pikachu declared. He marched directly up to the block of ice, wound up and swung his fist at it. "FALCON **_PAAAAAAAAAWNCH!_**"

Two minutes later, Pikachu was nursing his badly broken hand and Togetic was banging her head against the wall yet again.

"Well, I guess I could try using that fire stuff instead," Pikachu finally decided, uncorking one of the bottles and hurling the blue fire at King Swampert. The red ice immediately began to melt around him.

"I wonder what could have distracted him so much that he didn't even notice Mewtwo coming up and freezing him?" Togetic pondered.

"OH YEAH! OH YEAH BABY! WOOOO! THAT FEELS GOOOOOOOD!" King Swampert screamed very suggestively the instant he was thawed out.

"I hate this place," Togetic grumbled.

King Swampert immediately noticed Pikachu. "Hey! You're that deadbeat son of mine that went missing for seven years!" he snapped. "Where the hell have you been? And what's all this nonsense I've heard about you marrying your sister? I told you, I can't pay for any more child support!"

"Uh… well technically we're not married, Dad, we're just engaged."

"The sheer level of stupidity in this room is too much for me," Togetic sighed, resuming her head banging.

"Uh… anyway, she went to the Water Temple, so I kinda need a way to go after her without dying a slow and agonizing death by drowning. Think you can help a bro out?" Pikachu asked hopefully.

"Oh, fine," grumbled King Swampert. "Just because I need somebody to get her spoiled ass back over here. I have to tell her to stop being a cheap floozy and choose somebody _outside_ the family for once! So I suppose I can teach you Camouflage."

And that's exactly what he did. Don't ask how, he just did.

––

"Now, remind me again how that Camouflage thing of yours works?" Togetic asked. It was much later, and the duo was standing on an island in the middle of Lake Hylia. Though Mewtwo's influence had drained most of the lake, the entrance to the Water Temple was still deep underwater.

"Oh, it's easy! Once I use it, I'll turn into a Water-type while I'm underwater and I'll be able to breathe!" Pikachu said brightly. "Isn't that awesome?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't make any sense. How can you just randomly change types if you're a Pikachu?"

"King Swampert says I can do it if I just use my _imagination!_" replied Pikachu, opening his hands and forming a rainbow for the added effect. Togetic was understandably dumbfounded.

"Great. A move tailor-made for idiots. I'm surprised nobody's capitalized on that yet," she remarked. "Now anyway, just remember to do everything I say and maybe we can get through _this_ temple with minimal suffering."

Pikachu looked at her strangely. "Say, T-money… how are _you _gonna get down there? You don't know Camouflage."

Togetic stared at him for a very long time before this seemed to dawn on her.

"Dude… you're right! I _can't _go down there!" she exclaimed.

Suddenly she burst into evil laughter. "HA HA HA HA! YES! FINALLY! YOU HAVE TO DO THAT WHOLE SUCKY TEMPLE BY YOURSELF WHILE I GET TO STAY UP HERE! HA HA! FREE AT LAST! _FREE AT LAST!_"

Pikachu frowned. "This isn't really helping my self-esteem…"

"HA HA HA! HAVE FUN DOWN THERE, SUCKER!" Togetic shrieked, shoving Pikachu directly into the lake.

––

Pikachu started flailing around and panicking as he sank to the bottom of the lake, but then he remembered how King Swampert had told him to use Camouflage. So he just used his imagination, and BOOM! He turned into a Water-type! That's so cool! Anyway, with the help of his Iron Tail he was able to go all the way to the bottom and enter the Water Temple, although he had to travel by scooting around on his ass since it was so damn heavy.

"How am I supposed to get through this place without Togetic?" Pikachu griped to himself as he dragged himself into a room on the bottom floor of the temple, suffering severe ass chafing all the way. "It's not like I'm going to find anyone else helpful around here who knows how to get through the temple."

"Oh, _Pichu! _My precious little love muffin! You've returned for me!" came an unmistakable voice.

Pikachu's eyes bulged. "I'M SORRY, UNIVERSE! I'LL NEVER TEMPT FATE LIKE THAT AGAIN!" he screamed seconds before a fully grown Princess Vaporeon landed on top of him.

"Oh, Pichu – or should I say Pikachu! You've gotten even sexier as an adult!" Vaporeon gushed out. Pikachu would have responded, but Vaporeon was now quite a bit larger than he was and his ribs were being crushed somewhat unpleasantly.

"Oh, sorry sweetie," Vaporeon said quickly, getting off of him when she noticed his face turning blue. "Anyway, Pikachu, I've been waiting patiently for you while you've been gone! I always knew you couldn't stay away from me for long!"

"What are you talking about? It's been seven years, woman!"

"That's much less time than most of the guys I propose to. Anyway, you came to help me destroy the monster plaguing the Water Temple and rescue all of the Water-types, didn't you?"

"Well, I did come to kill the monster. I guess helping you is an unfortunate side effect."

"You're such a good fiancée!" Vaporeon sighed dreamily, not seeming to notice that she'd just been insulted. "And since that annoying homewrecking Togetic isn't around to get in our way, it looks like I'm going to be your guide around here!"

Pikachu's ears shot up. "WHAT? Uh… sorry lady, but I've beaten harder dungeons than this one without you. I'm sure I can make it through here just fine by myself."

"If you say so," said Vaporeon as Pikachu marched through the nearby door, only to come bursting out two seconds later screaming in pain and covered in Shellders clamping onto him.

"DEMOOOOOOONS! GET EM OFF ME! GET EM OFF ME!"

"Still think you'll be fine by yourself?" Vaporeon asked sweetly after she had singlehandedly wiped out all the Shellders.

"Okay, fine. I guess you can help," Pikachu grumbled.

"Wonderful! And the sooner we save the other Water-types, the sooner you and I can make hot, sweet love of physically impossible proportions! Just make sure you do exactly as I say while we're in here."

"Why would I do anything _you _tell me to?"

"**BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FIANCÉE, DUMBASS! THAT MAKES YOU MY B#TCH! DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOW MARRIAGE WORKS?**"

"I miss the Fire Temple," Pikachu whimpered as Vaporeon grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and pranced through the door.

**––**

**A/N: **Short part without much in it, I know. I'll try and get the next one up soon to make up for it. I should also thank TheLegendTamer for the idea of having Vaporeon guiding Pikachu through this temple (and the identity of the boss, but that's for later).


	24. That Dungeon Everybody Hates

**A/N: **I'm proud to announce that this story is now on over 50 favorites lists! WOOOOO!

Random Pokémon Lover, you may certainly make a comic of this fic. Sorry, but your e-mail address didn't show up in the review.

––

"Now Pikachu, my little crème brulee, there are three different places in this temple where you can change the water level."

"Look Vaporeon, I appreciate the help and everything, but if you call me a food-related pet name one more time I'll have to kill you."

"Sorry, my little bag of Doritos."

Pikachu was standing in front of a Triforce insignia that would lower the water level in the temple, but as you probably guessed he couldn't exactly remember how Eevee's Lullaby went.

"Geez, what should I do now?" he pondered. "Usually if I can't remember something, Togetic hits me over the head until it comes to me."

"Oh, that jerkass," Vaporeon said sympathetically. "I have a better idea. Maybe if we have sex right here it'll jog your memory."

"**PLEASE LET THIS WORK!**" Pikachu shrieked, instantly bashing his head against the wall as hard as he could. Luckily for him, hitting the Triforce symbol on the wall seemed to activate it and caused all the water to drain out of the temple.

"You can't escape me forever," Vaporeon said eerily.

Now that the water was at its lowest, they were able to explore the bottom floor of the temple. Eventually they came across a room with a pit of water swirling around in a very powerful current.

"Oh, man… this brings back bad memories of the swirlies I used to get when I was a kid," Pikachu whimpered. He decided not to mention that some random punks from Kakariko had actually given him one three days ago. And Togetic had helped.

"You're not scared, are you Pikachu?" Vaporeon asked in concern. "Because you know, cowards are a huge turn-off for me."

"In that case, I'm terrified."

"Oh, you joker!" Vaporeon laughed, shoving him directly into the water.

"**YIIIiiiIIIiiiIIIiiiIIIiiiIII!**" he screamed as he swirled around and around.

"Use your Iron Tail, sweetums!" Vaporeon called after him. He quickly did just that, but it didn't really help much as he was now being dragged by his butt around and around the bottom of the pool.

"**HOW IS THIS SUPPOSED TO HELP?**" he screamed from underwater.

––

"Well, that went better than expected," he said three minutes later as he triumphantly held up the key he had gotten. Actually, Vaporeon was the one who had gotten it, and then she had pulled Pikachu out of the water and resuscitated him before he drowned of his own stupidity again.

"Pikachu, you're not being very responsible," she scolded. "As my future husband, you're supposed to be able to protect me. How can you do that if you can't even complete a standard dungeon by yourself?"

"Has it ever occurred to you that I don't want to be your husband, and that whole Water Stone thing was just a means to an end? And a completely pointless one at that, since Mewtwo ended up taking over the world anyway?"

"Of course it hasn't, pumpkin!" Vaporeon giggled. "Now hurry up! The sooner we destroy the monster, the sooner we can start making mutant cross-breed babies!"

"This situation is worse than I thought. This calls for drastic measures," Pikachu muttered to himself as Vaporeon pranced off and he followed. "Time for me to do what every man having second thoughts about an engagement does. I'm just gonna have to kill her."

"Now Pikachu, if we go in the central area there'll be a place where you can raise the water level again and – what are you doing?"

She had turned around to find Pikachu about to throw a lit bomb at her. He froze.

"Uh… I can explain."

––

After that awkwardness, they used the key they had gotten to open up the door to the central structure of the temple, where Pikachu raised the water level again. Then they did a bunch of further exploring and solving atrocious, wall-banging puzzles, which would have been hard for Pikachu to do even if he wasn't being hit on every five seconds.

"Oh, _come on!_ How am I supposed to get through this thing? It's freaking impossible!" Pikachu bellowed. They had eventually arrived at a room containing a massive waterfall, with a bunch of slowly descending platforms that dropped off into a bottomless pit once they made it all the way down. Unfortunately, the door that led out was on the top of the waterfall clear on the other side of the room.

"It's not so bad, Pikachu. All you have to do is use your Vine Whip to pull yourself up those platforms. You know, before you drop off into the bottomless pit and most likely die slowly and painfully."

"Oh, screw that!" Pikachu snapped, pulling out an Egg Bomb. "I'm just gonna use my bombs. Like I've said, explosives solve all problems!"

"Pikachu, I don't really think throwing bombs around is going to help at all in this puzzle."

Fifteen seconds later, they were both standing on top of the waterfall with the room behind them a charred, blackened mess.

Vaporeon blinked. "I have no idea how you did that."

––

After blasting his way further into the temple, Pikachu walked through what appeared to be a normal door, only to be shocked at what lay on the other side. They found themselves in a huge, wide-open expanse with no features save for a singular island in the middle and a door leading nowhere off on the other end.

"Uh, I might be a little slow on the uptake, but isn't this room kind of physically impossible?" asked Pikachu, noticing the severe lack of walls or ceiling anywhere.

"Who cares? It's awesome!" Vaporeon squealed, snapping a few photos. "All this room and nobody but us to share it! We should have our honeymoon in a place like this, sweetiekins!"

"Good idea. That way when I kill you there won't be any witnesses."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing."

Pikachu splashed across the shallow water covering the ground and headed over to the door. He failed to notice that after he crossed over the island, his reflection had vanished.

"Well, there's no way out. I can't get through this door."

"You open the door by turning the knob, sweetheart."

"Oh, right – wait, I still can't get through! There's metal bars over this door!"

He turned back around, wondering what he was supposed to do now, when suddenly he thought he saw a dark figure leaning against the tree on the island.

"Hoo hoo ha ha ha…" came a low laugh.

Pikachu's ears pricked up nervously. "Who's there?"

"At last, we meet," said a familiar-sounding voice. "Do you know who I am, Pikachu?"

The dark figure stepped off the island, materializing fully as it came into the light. Vaporeon gasped.

"Uh… I don't know," Pikachu admitted. "You _do _look strangely familiar… and ruggedly handsome, I might add. Not unlike a certain guy that I am."

"Let me help you out, genius. I am the darkness that dwells within your soul," declared the shadowy figure. "I am your evil half!"

"Really? Well, I coulda guessed you were evil, what with that weirdo bat cape you're wearing."

"And the plastic vampire fangs," Vaporeon added.

"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! You won't dare mock me once you have recognized my true power!" bellowed the figure, now revealed to be a shadowy doppelganger of Pikachu himself. "For I am… DARK PIKACHU!"

Vaporeon snorted. "Reeeeeeeeal original name there, dude."

Dark Pikachu's eye twitched. "OKAY, THAT'S IT! YOU DIE FIRST!" he shouted, unleashing a Thunderbolt on Vaporeon. She shrieked in pain and toppled over in a smoking heap.

"Woah! Thanks, man! You got rid of my crazy stalker!" Pikachu exclaimed. "And I thought you were my _evil _half!"

Dark Pikachu turned to glare at Pikachu, sparks flying dangerously from his cheeks.

Pikachu sweatdropped. "Aw crap… EEEEYYYYAAAAAAAAUGH!" he screamed as Dark Pikachu threw himself at him and started pummeling the crap out of him.

"MWA HA HA HA! Once I kill you, I will take your place in society!" Dark Pikachu declared triumphantly, punching Pikachu in the face. "Everyone will think I'm you! The hotter, sexier you! I'll get all the chicks you never could!"

Pikachu flew into a rage. "YOU BASTARD! THOSE CHICKS ARE MINE!" he screamed, snapping an enormous branch off the tree and lunging at his dark self.

Dark Pikachu's eyes bulged. "What the – _OW!_ Stop – _OW!_ You ass! This is overkill!"

"IF I CAN'T SCORE, NEITHER CAN YOU!" Pikachu declared, whacking Dark Pikachu with all his might.

"Oh, Pikachu! Are you fighting for the right to my hand? How romantic!" cried Vaporeon.

"SCREW YOU, WOMAN!" Pikachu screamed at her from the heat of battle. Dark Pikachu took this momentary distraction to grab him by the tail and start swinging him around.

"**YIIIiiiIIIiiiIIIiiiIIIiiiIII!**" he shrieked as Dark Pikachu twirled him around in a circle before hurling him directly into the tree.

Pikachu groggily picked himself up, more pissed off than ever. "VAPOREON! Can't you do something useful instead of just sitting there taking pictures of this? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TAKING PICTURES OF THIS?"

"Are you _kidding?_" Vaporeon gushed. "My fiancée and his sexy, badass _dark _self are locked in a sweaty, no-holds-barred duel to the death! Do you have _any _idea how turned on I am right now? I want to preserve this forever!"

Pikachu's eye twitched. "GIVE ME THAT!" he screamed, grabbing the camera out of her hands and using it to repeatedly bash Dark Pikachu over the head.

Dark Pikachu snarled. "You'll pay for that!" he declared. He instantly snatched the camera away and set off the flash directly in Pikachu's face, blinding him.

"Hoo hee ah ohhhh," slurred the dangerously disoriented Pikachu.

"And now to finish you!" declared Dark Pikachu, throwing himself on top of Pikachu and digging his fangs into his light half's neck. Luckily for Pikachu, his dark self seemed to have forgotten that his fangs were made out of plastic and they weren't doing much damage.

"BAH! Curse me and my underdeveloped canines!" he growled, spitting the plastic fangs out.

Suddenly, Vaporeon's eyes lit up. "Pikachu! I figured it out!" she called. "This guy isn't just your evil self, he's your opposite in every way! Which also means he's _smart!_"

"If I knew what you meant by that, I'd resent it!" Pikachu screamed as Dark Pikachu was sitting on his back and painfully twisting his arm.

"Listen, both of you!" Vaporeon shouted, charging directly over to them and getting their attention. "What's the value of zero divided by zero?"

"Pie?" Pikachu guessed dumbly.

"What? Clearly the answer is zero!" Dark Pikachu growled. "But wait… by definition, the value of anything divided by zero is undefined… or was that infinity? Isn't infinity supposed to be undefined? And yet you can't get infinity out of zero! Not unless you define the denominator as… AAAAAAAAUUUGGHHH!" he shrieked in pain, clutching at his head.

Noticing his agony, Pikachu started whistling nonchalantly and casually kicked him in the head, causing him to topple over into the water. With one last defeated scream, Dark Pikachu exploded in a mass of shadow, finally fading from sight and vanishing without a trace as his scream echoed into silence.

"Aww… did you really have to kill him?" Vaporeon sighed. "Now half the sexiness in this room is gone."

Pikachu stared at the spot where his mirror image had been lying just moments before. At this point, if he had been of at least average intelligence, he would have been psychologically and metaphysically scarred upon realizing that he had essentially killed part of himself. Luckily, he was not of average intelligence, and was thus currently thinking about candy.

"I'd better get a damn lot of Sugar Daddies for this," he grumbled, marching through the now-unbarred door on the other side of the room. Entering the next room, he was surprised to see a large chest waiting for him.

"Awesome! I guess I get a new weapon!" he cheered, racing up to it. "The only thing that could possibly ruin this moment is if it were a weapon that Vaporeon could misconstrue as something sexual!"

He opened up the chest, reached inside, and pulled out…

"Oh, wow! It's a Power Whip! A longer and more powerful version of the Vine Whip!" cheered Vaporeon, who had sprung up from behind him and was wearing a very naughty grin. "I can already think of a _dozen _fun things to do with that!"

Pikachu's eye twitched. "I _really_ need to stop tempting fate like that."

**––**

**A/N: **Say goodbye to Pikachu for a while, everyone. The next chapter will be about Togetic. :D


	25. A Sidekick's Side Quest

**A/N: **Well, I have an excuse for the late update this time. I'll give you a hint. It starts with an "H" and ends with an "EartGold". XD I never realized how adorable Poliwags are until I had one following me. I keep mistakenly thinking my Togetic's a girl though… wonder why THAT is?

––

Togetic was lounging on a beach somewhere in the far reaches of Hyrule. Yes, apparently Hyrule has beaches. I'm as surprised as you are. Anyway, she was stretched out on a beach towel with a pair of sunglasses on and was slurping down a fruity drink, all while admiring the hunky Machoke lifeguards sitting in the watch towers.

"Man, this is the _greatest!_ No monsters, no getting my ass fried by dragons, no _nothing! _I should have ditched that fat kid a long time ago!" she gloated. "Hey, by the way, did I tell you how I single-handedly slew the giant Charizard and saved all the Fire-types of Death Mountain?"

"Yes. About three minutes ago," grumbled the very impatient Mawile sitting next to her.

"Well, I'll tell you again. Stories of that caliber benefit from a retelling. So Pikachu was just standing there like an idiot picking his nose, right? So I flew right up to that stupid dragon and unleashed my epic ThunderPunch… wait, can Togetics learn ThunderPunch? Well anyway, after that I – "

The Mawile bit down on Togetic with her massive jaws, shaking her violently around before spitting her out, then got up and stormed off.

"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!" Togetic shouted after her.

After that she stretched out and resumed her sunbathing, but momentarily a large shadow fell over her and blocked out the sun.

Togetic squinted through her sunglasses. "Who dares interfere with my tanning? Don't force me to use my epic ThunderPunch, which I almost definitely know!"

"Stop fooling around, Togetic. I need to talk to you."

Togetic's eyes bulged. "**EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**" she squealed, throwing off her sunglasses and glomping Absol in a choke hold. "I KNEW YOU'D COME BACK FOR ME, YOU SEXY SEXY MAN YOU! Before you ask, I want to be married in April, I want two boys and a girl, and if we can't afford tuition they have this job opening in Kakariko where – "

Absol shoved her away. "Togetic, please. Words cannot express how much I do not want you to marry me or have my children. I came here to talk to you about Pikachu."

Togetic frowned. "Wow. Just hearing that name again makes me feel less horny. Thanks for ruining everything."

"As you know, Pikachu is currently having his ass handed to him in the Water Temple, so I figured you could at least be useful to him while you're waiting up here. There is a legendary weapon that will help him greatly on his quest, and I need you to get it. If I'm not mistaken, you need to go to Kakariko first."

Togetic rasied an eyebrow. "Uh huh. And what exactly is my motivation?"

Absol's eye started twitching. "Togetic, in the very likely event that Pikachu fails to beat Mewtwo, the world will be plunged into eternal darkness! You need more motivation than that?"

"Clearly."

Absol sighed. "Fine. If you do this, I will tear up my restraining order on you."

Togetic was already gone.

––

"Okey dokey, here I am, Kakariko Village. Now what was I supposed to do here? Ah well, maybe I can get drunk as long as I'm here."

"Oh, it's you! Scary angry Togetic!" came the familiar voice of Dratini. "May I please ask you another favor? Can you please take this random Pocket Torchic for some reason I don't really understand?"

Togetic conked her over the head. "DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS?"

Dratini looked upset. "Oh, please? If you take it, I'll give you back your wallet."

"What the – " Togetic realized Dratini had stolen her wallet. "You damn klepto! That was funny until you did it to me!"

Having no other choice, Togetic grabbed the Torchic by the scruff of the neck and dragged it away. Not in a particularly good mood, she went across town in search of some hard liquor and finally kicked down the door to a random house, where she was surprised to find Wigglytuff sound asleep on a bed.

"What the heck? What is Jigglypuff's dad doing here? Well, I suppose I'd better use this Torchic to wake him up."

She flew up to Wigglytuff, gripped the Torchic soundly by the neck, and used it to smack him clean across the face.

"WHAT IN TARNATION?" Wigglytuff bellowed, sitting bolt upright and reaching for his shotgun. Togetic sighed and ducked until the bullets stopped flying.

"Hey there, Father of the Year. I just thought you should know that your ranch is safe, so you can go home now and stop hiding here like a coward."

"Wha – oh, really! That's terrific news!" Wigglytuff said joyfully. "I haven't seen my precious little girl in seven years, despite the fact that the ranch is about twenty minutes from here! There ain't nothin' bad has happened to her while I've been gone, has there?"

"Well, Raticate stole the ranch from her and turned it into a strip club, forced her to work like a slave and essentially turned her emo, and Pikachu tried to feel her up while she wasn't looking."

"Ah, well, if that's all. Good to know she can take care of herself."

Once Togetic got her eye twitching under control, she ditched Wigglytuff and flew back over to Dratini's Torchic pen.

"Here, you can have this guy back. I think he's dead. I may have gripped his neck a little too hard."

"Oh, that's wonderful!" cried Dratini, who was apparently not the sanest person around. "Here, you can this ultra-deluxe-super-duper-rare Torchic instead. His name is Cojiro. He might be able to help you find my missing brother, who was last seen somewhere in the Lost Woods."

"Uh, okay. But why the hell is he blue?"

"He's a fan of Eiffel 65? He joined the Happy Happyists? He's really cold? HOW SHOULD I KNOW?"

––

And so Togetic left behind Kakariko Village and all the idiots living in it, flying straight to the Lost Woods. She hadn't gone too far before she came across a very emo-looking Dragonair sitting underneath a tree stump.

"What the – hey, that's Cojiro!" he exclaimed the minute he saw them. "My cultist Torchic with sucky taste in music! You got him for me!"

Togetic blinked. "Huh? I thought he belonged to your sister."

"No, he's mine. She stole him from me, and when I asked for him back she hired some thugs to kidnap me and stick me here."

"Ah…"

"But you have him now, and he's listening to you! That must mean you're a nice person!"

"Not one of the most famous adjectives used to describe me, but sure, let's go with that."

"Great! Then you can give this Tiny Mushroom to the old hag running the Potion Shop, right? She should be able to use it to make a poisonous potion, and you can give it to me and I'll slip it to my sis while she's not looking."

Togetic looked stunned. "Uh… I don't know. I'm not one to get tangled up in family feuds that have nothing to do with me."

"Oh, and by the way, some Absol just came by here and said you should do this for me."

"What am I saying? I _love _getting tangled up in family feuds that have nothing to do with me!"

––

Togetic backtracked all the way to Kakariko Village and found the Potion Shop, then kicked the door open so that its hinges broke and it collapsed to the ground.

"Did you really have to do that?" grumbled the elderly Froslass sitting in the shop.

"Sorry. I enjoy making an entrance."

"Well, I see that fool Dragonair gave you his Tiny Mushroom. I can make a Super Potion out of that. But what exactly are _you_ running his errands for?"

"Something you're probably not familiar with. It's called sex."

So the Froslass quickly made a Super Potion which Togetic gleefully flew back to the Lost Woods, but she was dismayed to find Dragonair missing and a Chikorita standing there instead.

"Sorry, you missed him," she said when Togetic asked where Dragonair was. "I think he turned into a monster. He says that everybody who gets lost in the woods turns into a monster."

Togetic's eyes bulged. "NOOOOOO! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? THIS IMPEDES MY QUEST FOR HOT SWEET LOVE!" she wailed, clearly very concerned for Dragonair's well-being.

"Well, maybe this'll make you feel better," said the Chikorita, giving her an HM. "He left this behind. I think it teaches you to use Cut."

"Hmm… he really was emo, wasn't he?"

––

Togetic didn't really have any use for the Cut HM, so she decided to hock it somewhere. After asking around, she heard about a group of carpenters hanging around Gerudo Valley who would probably have use for it, so she flew over there to investigate.

"Hey, this is terrific!" exclaimed the head carpenter, a Bibarel, once she showed it to him. "Now we can finally get some work done around here, especially since all the other carpenters got kidnapped by the sexy female thieves living in Gerudo Fortress. Say, you don't think you could go and rescue them for me, do you?"

"Did an Absol come by here and tell you that I should?"

"No…"

"Then nope. You're on your own, bucko."

Well, for whatever reason, he still gave Togetic a broken sword out of thanks, saying there was a Pokémon living at the top of Death Mountain who would probably be able to fix it for her.

"This must be the weapon Absol was talking about!" she said excitedly to herself. "He'll be so proud of me when I get it fixed! This will take no time at all!"

––

Several hours later, Togetic painfully dragged herself onto the landing at the very top of the mountain, covered in second-degree burns.

"Okay, FLAMING FALLING ROCKS? Really? Whose stupid idea was that? I freaking hate this place and everyone in it! I'm going to kill the next person I see!"

"Huh? Who's therrrrrre?" came a booming voice.

Togetic whipped around, and her eyes bulged in terror as she realized that what she had thought to be part of the volcano was actually a skyscraper-sized Heatran.

"Uh… what I meant was, I love this place and want to hug everyone who lives here."

"Say, that sworrrrrrd you have with you… I made that!" exclaimed the squinty-eyed Heatran. "I could fix it, but the ash from the volcano got in my eyes… I need eye drops!"

Togetic blinked. "Are you serious? You're a Legendary, aren't you? Can't you just suck it up like a man?"

"**NO!** Now go and get me eye drops from Zora's Domain before I Fire Blast your ass!"

"This is starting to get slightly ridiculous," Togetic grumbled.

––

So Togetic flew all the way to Zora's Domain and asked King Swampert about it, but being the useless hunk of lard that he was, all he did was direct her over to the Lakeside Laboratory next to Lake Hylia. By now running dangerously low on patience, Togetic grabbed her .38 and blasted the door full of bullets before it finally fell off its hinges.

"What the hell? Who are you and why are you here?" cried the understandably freaked out Politoed in the lab as she came barging in.

"Because some sissy Heatran needs some eye drops, and I'm supposed to be able to find the ingredients in here!" she shot back. "And I get impatient when I'm horny, so fork 'em over!"

"Eye drops?" the Politoed repeated. "Well, sure you can find the ingredients here! _I'm _the ingredients!" he laughed. "Everybody knows Politoeds can be used to make the most potent eye drops in the world! Why didn't you just say…"

He very quickly fell silent as he saw Togetic grinning evilly at him.

"…Please don't kill me?"

––

Togetic quickly returned to the summit of Death Mountain, dragging the bound and gagged Politoed along with her.

"Oh, wonderrrrrrrful!" cried Heatran as he saw them. "I'll just wrrrrrrrring out that Politoed and use his bodily fluids to make my eye drops!"

"Sounds good!" Togetic said with a grin.

"**MFFFF RGGMMM ARRRRGHHH!**" Politoed shrieked.

"Shut up, you! Nobody asked you!" Togetic snapped, smacking him.

After a horribly graphic scene filled with lots of annoying screaming, Heatran finally got all the eye drops he needed out of the still-living but dangerously dehydrated Politoed, then flung him over his shoulder back down the mountain as he applied the drops to his eyes.

"W-WOW! My eyes are fixed!" he cried joyously. "Now I can get back to my blade business! I'll fix that sworrrrrrrd right up for you!"

"Really? _Finally!_" Togetic cheered. "Man, you have no idea how long I've been flying back and forth around this dump just to get this far! I was afraid I was gonna have to kill somebody! Hurry up and fix it right now!"

"Oh, I can't do it _now_," Heatran chuckled. "It'll take three whole days for me to do it rrrrrrright! Come back for it then!"

Togetic was dangerously silent.

"**LISTEN, YOU!**" she finally screamed, zooming up to Heatran and yanking on his eyelid. "**I HAVE A HOT SEXY ABSOL WAITING FOR ME AND I'M NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS SIDE QUEST CRAP ANY LONGER! EITHER YOU GET ME THAT SWORD **_**NOW **_**OR I'LL DO SOMETHING TO YOU THAT'LL MOVE TOGETICS UP TO THE UBER TIER!**"

Heatran totally freaked out. "All rrrrrrrright, all rrrrrrrright, I'll do it!"

––

Five minutes later, Togetic flew back down to Kakariko Village with an enormous sword in her hands, and was delighted to find Absol waiting for her.

"Look, Absol, look! I did it!" she cheered, showing him Heatran's Sword. "It took blackmail and kidnapping and extortion and mail fraud, but I finally got that weapon!"

"…Did you say mail fraud?"

"Yeah, that's a funny story."

"Well, regardless, you did a great job, Togetic. Pikachu will be able to use that sword to use Wide Slash. This will help him greatly on his quest."

"Awesome! Now we can have sex, right?"

Absol groaned and sighed deeply. "Togetic, is there anything at all I can do to convince you that we are _not _eternal soulmates whose destined love was made to endure throughout eternity?"

"Nope. The only thing that would convince me of that is if you were really a girl or something. And that'd just be silly. I might have to kill you."

"Ha ha, yeah," said Absol, suddenly looking extremely nervous. "Hey Togetic, look behind you."

"Huh?" she did just that, and when she turned back around she saw that Absol had vanished.

"What the – aw, dammit."

**––**

**A/N: **Well, that was a weird chapter… hope you liked it. XD It was also TheLegendTamer's idea to use Wide Slash for the Biggoron's Sword, so props to him.


	26. Real Men Don't Have Jewelry

As Pikachu and Vaporeon continued exploring the Water Temple, they found their next destination was a tunnel full of violent sucky whirlpools swirling around in the water. Vaporeon had no trouble maneuvering around them, but Pikachu had to use Iron Tail and drag himself around on his butt. Needless to say, he got stuck in each and every one of them. Multiple times. The whole thing took about three minutes for Vaporeon and two hours for him.

"Well, that was traumatic. Now where do we go?" asked Pikachu once they were safe.

"Well, sweetums, I think you could use your Power Whip to pull us onto the ledge on the far side of the room, but the portcullis is down."

"Hey, no problem!" Pikachu boasted. "I'll just hit that eye switch and raise the portcullis, then pull us over! It'll be simple!"

Vaporeon looked uneasy. "Are you sure about that, Pikachu?"

"Oh, come on, what could possibly happen?"

And so Pikachu fired a Razor Leaf at the switch, caused the portcullis to raise up, then targeted the chest sitting on the ledge with his Power Whip and pulled himself and Vaporeon over, flying across the room… and then got cut off mid-flight as the portcullis came slamming back down and impaled him.

"Oh yeah. The whole tempting fate thing," he choked out.

––

The two of them continued to conquer the Water Temple after that, doing many exciting things like lowering the water level, wandering around and raising the water level, then wandering around some more and raising it again. Trust me, it was a truly thrilling and moving experience that deserves to be retold, but for the sake of timeliness we're just going to cut ahead to the boss fight.

––

Once Pikachu and Vaporeon entered the Boss Chamber, they found that it contained a pool full of dark blue water with four platforms rising out of it.

"Pikachu, be careful! That's not normal water in there!" Vaporeon exclaimed.

"Really?" Pikachu had his legs crossed, looking pained. "D'you think it would still be safe for me to pee in it? All the freaking water in this place is really making me – "

He was abruptly cut off as the very-not-normal-water inside the pool began to churn and bubble. Suddenly, an enormous tentacle made of water burst out of the pool, throwing up a violent splash and drenching Pikachu and Vaporeon.

Floating inside the tentacle was a huge, purple starfish with a gleaming red jewel in its center.

"EEEEK!" cried Vaporeon. "It's the Giant Aquatic… _Thing_, Starmie!"

"WHAZZUP, SQUARES!" Starmie somehow bellowed, despite not having a mouth. "YOU'VE BEEN CAUSING TROUBLE IN MY PAD, SO I'M GONNA HAVE TO GIVE YOU A BEATDOWN, YOU HEAR?"

Pikachu looked offended. "Dude! I just killed a huge fire-breathing dragon and now I'm fighting a stupid _starfish? _Don't you think I'm better than – "

Starmie used its Psychic powers to shoot a watery tendril out of the pool, wrapping around Pikachu and flailing him around in the air.

"YIIIII-iiiiii-IIIII-iiiii-IIIII-iiiii-IIIII-iiiii-**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHH!**" Pikachu shrieked as the tentacle whipped him back and forth, finally flinging him facefirst into a wall.

"GONNA BACK-SASS ME AGAIN, SQUARE?" Starmie jeered, striking a bunch of poses inside its tentacle. "OOH! YEAH! I'M AWESOME!"

Pikachu staggered to his feet, looking ticked off. "Oh, that _does _it! I'm not having my ass handed to me by a dude who wears jewelry! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"

He charged blindly back towards Starmie, shrieking a furious battle cry, only to be snatched up by another tendril before he'd even gotten close.

"MOTHER OF SPARTA!" he swore as he went flying over Vaporeon's head, crashing into the wall again.

"Pikachu! You have to attack its weak point for massive damage!" Vaporeon shouted at him.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GETTING AT, WOMAN?"

Starmie quickly sent another tendril snaking out of the water, but this time Pikachu dodged it and lashed out at the starfish with his Power Whip. Starmie let out a yelp as the Power Whip wrapped around it and hauled it out of its tentacle onto the ground.

"AWW, SH#T MAN! THIS AIN'T COOL!" Starmie wailed, flopping helplessly around.

"HA HA! Now to show you that _real _men don't have jewelry! They have SHINY YELLOW BALLS!" Pikachu shouted triumphantly and started spamming Thunderbolt on Starmie.

"Oh, Pikachu! This is so heroic and manly of you!" Vaporeon swooned, being useless as usual.

Starmie quickly noticed her and leapt back into the water, circling around and creating another tendril that burst out of the pool. Vaporeon didn't have time to react before the tendril wrapped around her and hauled her into the air.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" she screamed.

"MWA HA HA! SURRENDER NOW, SQUARE, OR I KILL YOUR OLD LADY!" Starmie bellowed triumphantly.

Pikachu looked delighted. "Really? You'd do that for me! Deal!"

Vaporeon stared down at him, then grew furious. "YOU TWO-TIMING BASTARD!"

"Took you this long to figure that out, huh?"

Vaporeon launched an Aurora Beam at Starmie, causing it to shriek in pain and release its hold on her. Then she landed on the ground next to Pikachu and glared at him very dangerously.

"Uh… heh heh…" Pikachu started sweating. "Uh, when I said I wanted it to kill you painfully, what I really meant was that I **AAAAAAAAUGH!**" He was cut off as Vaporeon threw herself at him and started strangling him.

"YOU MISERABLE FAT UGLY SMELLY EXCUSE FOR A FIANCÉE! YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME! WHY I OUGHTA – "

"Uh, Vaporeon," Pikachu choked out, pointing over her shoulder. Starmie was floating over their heads in an enormous tentacle.

"ON SECOND THOUGHT, SQUARES, THIS LOVEY-DOVEY DISPLAY IS REALLY PISSING ME OFF, SO I'M JUST GONNA KILL BOTH OF YOU!" it shouted, shooting two more tendrils out at them.

"Ugh… no! I'm _not _going out like this, man! It's too humiliating!" Pikachu cried out as the tendril started squeezing the life out of him. "If only there were some way for me to channel my Thunderbolt down the tentacle and hit Starmie with it! Like, if water conducted electricity or something!"

Vaporeon stared at him. "_Really?_"

Pikachu blinked. "Oh, right. DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!" he shouted, unleashing a lethal Thunderbolt that traveled up the watery tendril, heading straight for Starmie. The evil starfish turned to see it just in time, and (somehow) grew very pale.

"SON OF A – " was all it had time to say before the Thunderbolt hit it and caused it to explode. Pikachu and Vaporeon were violently flung backwards into the wall, and Starmie's Psychically-controlled water began warping and writhing as it rose out of the pool. With nothing left to control it, it finally splashed back down and splattered across the room, completely harmless.

"Phew… that was close!" said Pikachu once everything was still. "Good thing I'm such a genius, or we'd definitely be goners! Isn't that right?"

In response to his proud and very stupid grin, Vaporeon smacked him and dragged him into the Shiny Blue Portal.

––

When Pikachu emerged back in the Chamber of Sages, though, he was surprised to find that he was alone. After looking around for Vaporeon in confusion, he finally saw her appear on the blue platform floating across from him.

"Huh? What am I doing over here?" she wondered.

Pikachu's eyes lit up. "Wait a minute! This must mean you're the Sage of Water!" he exclaimed. "BWA HA HA HA HA! **YES!** SUCK IT, B#TCH! THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO STAY HERE FOREVER AND YOU CAN'T STALK ME ANYMORE! THIS MARRIAGE IS OFF! W00T W00T W00T W00T W00T!"

"Well, I suppose that is what it means," Vaporeon grumbled as Pikachu started break dancing. "Especially since I randomly have this Plate with me all of a sudden. Oh, Pikachu, I would have granted you my eternal love, no matter how much of an ass you are, but it seems the two of us can never be… will you at least take this Plate from me respectfully?"

"Sure thing, you fat ugly cow!" Pikachu crowed. Vaporeon glowered at him and hurled her Plate at his face, striking him between the eyes and causing him to fall over in a twitching heap.

_Pikachu received the Splash Plate! Vaporeon adds her power to Pikachu's, but more importantly, she's now stuck in this dump and Pikachu is free of his marital obligations! How convenient! _

"_If you see Absol, tell him thank you for me… hmm, maybe I should have married him instead! Hey Pikachu, ask Absol if he's into smoking hot Water Sages, would you?"_

––

After Pikachu was surrounded by light, he was beamed down onto the island in the middle of Lake Hylia, which was now full of water once again. Absol was already there, gazing out at the lake like those mysterious brooding character stereotypes tend to do.

"What? Oh come on, why are you here?" Pikachu fumed. "I just beat the Water Temple and now I get rewarded with a boring monologue?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Absol agreed. "Well, I can't believe it Pikachu, but you actually did it. Together, you and Princess Vaporeon destroyed the evil monster."

"Y'know, Vaporeon didn't really do much. She just followed me around everywhere nagging me and being annoying, like we already _were _married."

"Well, whatever. The point is, water has returned to Lake Hylia and Zora's Domain will supposedly return to normal, although it never does in the scope of this story. Now, I think you'd better – "

"AHA! THERE YOU ARE, MY LITTLE SACK OF LOVE PUDDING!" came the voice of Togetic from the lake shore as she started zooming over to them.

Absol looked freaked out. "Crap! She found me!" he cried, throwing himself into the lake and vanishing just as Togetic reached the island.

"Oh, come on! Where'd he go?" Togetic demanded, looking around impatiently.

"Uh… he had to… go direct a musical?" Pikachu guessed. "But man, T-money, I never thought I'd be so glad to see you! Vaporeon was a horrible guide! She caused me all sorts of physical and emotional damage, even more so than you, which I didn't think was possible!"

"Yeah, that's great, Not Absol," Togetic grumbled to herself. "Oh, by the way, I got you something. You can shower me with thanks and adulation whenever you want." She pulled out Heatran's Sword and threw it at him.

Pikachu's eyes bulged. "HOLY CRAP! A HUGE ASS SWORD! THIS MAKES ALL THAT TRAUMA COMPLETELY WORTH IT! _WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!_"

He began cheering insanely as he swung the enormous sword around, felling the large tree on the island in one slash, and then raced across the bridge back to the mainland while leaving a trail of slain Murkrows in his wake.

Togetic watched him dumbly. "_Why _was this a good idea?"

––

**A/N: **Phew! We're finally done with the Water Temple arc! Now things will start getting very exciting...


	27. Burninating the Peasants

**A/N: **Here we get to one of my favorite scenes in the story, just as we kick off the freakiest arc of them all. How will Pikachu survive the dreaded horrors of the Bottom of the Well and the Shadow Temple? Your guess is as good as mine.

––

Once Pikachu had finished causing death and property damage with his new sword, Togetic called him back to the island and pointed out a plaque that was sitting on the ground.

"It says, 'When water fills the lake, shoot for the morning light'," she read. "What do you think that means, Pikachu?"

He shrugged. "I 'unno. But it sounds like you're supposed to use your gun."

"Great idea!" Togetic exclaimed happily, pulling out her .38 and blasting the sun repeatedly. For some entirely inexplicable reason, this caused a glowing ball of fire to fall from the sun and land on one of the platforms across the lake.

"Well, that's interesting," Togetic remarked after she had flown Pikachu over to the platform. "It looks like now you can use Sacred Fire and, like, hurl fireballs at people."

Pikachu looked thrilled. "Dude!! That's _awesome!!_"

"Yeah, but you already know Flame Wheel. Isn't that kind of redundant?"

"For the love of Suicune, woman, it's _fire!! _Fire is inherently awesome!! Haven't we already been through this?!"

"Right, sorry. I keep for getting you're the leading authority on coolness."

"Damn straight," said Pikachu, picking his nose.

––

Not having much of an idea of what to do next, Togetic immediately suggested they go to Kakariko to get sufficiently slammed. As the duo arrived at the village, though, they were greeted by a very unexpected sight.

"Holy Entei!! Pikachu, the whole freaking village is on fire!"

Sure enough, all the buildings and houses in the village were going up in flames. The sky was covered in thick, suffocating smoke that blotted out the sun. A mass panic was engulfing the village as all the residents ran around screaming. Some of them were also on fire, which was a completely serious matter and not funny in the slightest.

Pikachu was freaking out. "Crap, man! What do we do?!"

"Well, we could either try and help those people, or we could establish an alibi."

"I like the sound of that last one."

Suddenly, Togetic noticed a very familiar figure standing stoically in front of the well in the center of the village, looking particularly out of place as everyone around him was running around flailing their arms. It was Absol.

"HOLD UP!! We're not going anywhere!! We have to help my little love muffin!!"

Absol heard Togetic's voice and turned around. "Pikachu! Togetic! There's something evil causing the disaster in this village, and I definitely don't trust either of you to deal with it! Just leave this to me!"

"NOOO!! I have to get over there and help my precious fuzzykins!!" Togetic shrieked, trying to zoom over to him but getting blocked by the numerous flaming Pokémon who were crawling up to her and begging for help. As she tried to karate chop them all out of the way, Pikachu suddenly caught sight of another familiar Dark-type racing through the village, trying to be heard over the roar of the flames and the screams of panic.

"Everybody, _calm down!! _If you all just follow me to the nearest large body of water and throw yourselves in, everything will be fine! …Or you could stop, drop and roll, I guess!"

Pikachu's ears pricked up. "T-money, look! It's Umbreon!!"

Princess Eevee's attendant immediately noticed Pikachu. "What? It's you! You're that kid from seven years ago who was supposed to be the Hero of Time and _save _all of us from junk like this!" she snarled, marching over to him. "Well, you did a real bang-up job! Look what's happening!!"

"…What _is _happening, exactly?"

"There's an evil monster stirring at the bottom of Kakariko Well! I tried to seal it in there, but now the seal is weakening and the monster is breaking loose!"

"Well, don't worry. Absol's here and he'll take care of everything!"

At that very moment, a shrieking Absol went soaring over Pikachu and Umbreon's heads, careening though the air and crashing headfirst through the wall of a nearby building. He hanged there with his butt sticking out and his hind legs kicking wildly.

"…Okay… well now _you _can take care of it, Umbreon!"

"Don't be ridiculous! This is your job! I've just been holding down the fort until you showed yourself!"

"Look, man, fighting evil well monsters was _not _in my job description! You do it!!"

Pikachu and Umbreon continued to argue back and forth about whose responsibility it was while Togetic diverted herself by playing Solitaire.

Suddenly, there came a low, guttural roar from deep within Kakariko Well, drowning out every other sound. All the panicking villagers (even the ones on fire) immediately froze and turned in the direction of the well, their faces flooded in horror. Pikachu and Umbreon noticed what was going on and broke off from their argument, turning to the well. Their eyes bulged at what they saw.

An enormous, amorphous shadow rose out of the well, engulfing everything it touched in inky blackness. It hovered in the air for a moment before spreading out, covering the rooftops and the flames and threatening to throw the entire village into darkness.

Umbreon let out a low growl as her hackles rose. Pikachu peed himself.

"All right! I won!" said Togetic, looking up from her cards. "I mean, oh no, a horrible monster!"

Pikachu had no time to react before he realized the monstrous shadow was surging across the village and heading directly for him. He tried to run, but it was too late. In an instant, the demonic darkness was upon him.

There was a piercing "YIIIIIIIIIIIIIII"… and then nothing.

––

"Pikachu… Pikachu, wake up!"

Pikachu groggily opened his eyes and found himself lying on his back with Absol and Togetic peering down at him. The village was now deserted, and a very convenient rainstorm had put out all the fires.

"Urgh… what happened?" he grumbled, sitting up. "The last thing I remember, I was locked in a heroic battle with that giant shadow."

"Pikachu, the shadow didn't even touch you. It just passed over you and you freaked out and fainted," Togetic said impatiently.

"But I fainted _heroically_, right?"

"Honestly, I still haven't figured out how you two get anything done," Absol sighed.

Pikachu looked around. "Hey, where's Umbreon? I need to go kick her ass."

"Probably not a good idea, seeing how she's the Sage of Shadow and everything," said Absol.

"NO WAY! I would have had NO FREAKING IDEA!!" Togetic shouted sarcastically.

"Pikachu, Umbreon has gone to the Shadow Temple within the Kakariko Graveyard to attempt to seal that monster once again. But as always, your intervention is required for some reason. So it looks like I get to teach you the Nocturne of Shadow."

"Wait – the Shadow Temple's just over in the Graveyard?" asked Togetic. "Wouldn't it be a lot easier and less painful for all parties to just let Pikachu _walk _over there?"

"Togetic, are you questioning me?"

"NO!! NEVER, YOUR ALMIGHTY HOTNESS!!" Togetic cried, clinging contritely to him.

So Pikachu spent a long and painful afternoon learning the Nocturne of Shadow, during which time Togetic looted all the alcohol out of the burned and deserted tavern, and also defaced a few buildings just for the heck of it.

"Pikachu, I can safely say you're the only one I've ever met who forgot how to play the Pokéflute and tried to do it with their nose," Absol said when it was all over. "However, I'm afraid that song is not all you'll need to enter the Shadow Temple. You'll also need the Silph Scope, the item hidden deep within the well that allows you to see past falsities and illusions."

"Huh? But Absol, the well's sealed up! I can't even get down there!"

"Yes, that's a real doozy, isn't it. Now try not to get eaten by zombies while you're down there, because I'm sure as hell not coming down there if you do."

And with that he backed away and used Flash. When the light faded away, he was gone.

––

When Pikachu had stopped muttering about how useless Absol was, his first course of action was attempting to break the seal on the well by bombing the crap out it. Predictably, that didn't work.

"I know what'll cheer you up, Pikachu," said Togetic as she saw him gnawing on a boulder in frustration. "Let's go in the windmill. That's the only building in town I haven't defaced yet."

So the two of them kicked down the door to the windmill while armed with several sixpacks of beer and cans of spray paint, but were surprised to find an angry-looking Ambipom standing in the room and grinding a phonograph.

"Hey man, think you can clear out for a few minutes while we get drunk and trash the place?" Pikachu asked very politely.

"What's that? You have a Pokéflute!" the Ambipom exclaimed. "Grrr! That's just like the one that Pichu from seven years ago had! He played this freakishly catchy song that caused all the water to drain out of the well!"

Togetic perked up in interest. "Pikachu, are you hearing this?"

"Huh?" said Pikachu, who had been sticking the Pokéflute up his nose.

"I'll never forget that song… it went like this!" said the Ambipom, grinding out the freakishly catchy Song of Storms on his phonograph. All of a sudden, there was a loud clap of thunder and it began raining inside the windmill.

"Son of a b#tch… I keep forgetting about that."

Deciding Pikachu probably wouldn't realize the full implications of what they'd just heard, Togetic dragged him outside. "Listen, Pikachu… I think that guy was talking about _you. _I think you're the one who played that song and drained the water out of the well."

Pikachu blinked slowly. "You're saying…"

"That's right. To get into the well, you're going to have to return the Light Ball and go back in time. Back to your childhood."

"Oh yeah, that too. But I was going to say, you're saying that we're going to create a stable time loop by playing the Song of Storms to that guy seven years in the past, causing the song's actual origin to be completely indeterminable and throwing the very nature of causality into doubt."

Togetic's eyes widened. "Holy mother of – Pikachu! Did you just say something _intelligent?!_" She grabbed him by the shoulders. "Quick, Pikachu!! Say something else!!"

"Turkey baster?"

Togetic sighed. "Never mind."

––

And so Pikachu and Togetic journeyed back to the deserted Hyrule Marketplace, and from there they entered the Temple of Time for the first time since they had left it.

"Well, I'm going to miss you, Shiny," Pikachu sighed, taking out the Light Ball. "I'll never find anything else that was simultaneously so deadly and so good to gnaw on. Let's do it again sometime."

"I can't believe it… we're actually going back in time," Togetic remarked as they slowly approached the pedestal where they'd first found the Light Ball. "Everything's going to be so different. Hyrule won't be ruled by Mewtwo, everyone will be wearing ridiculous clothes and listening to lame music, Absol won't be there and Noctowl will…"

Her eyes filled with horror. "On second thought, maybe I'd rather stay here."

"Huh? Oh, sorry, too late," said Pikachu, who had already replaced the Light Ball on the pedestal. Already the ground beneath them was starting to glow.

Togetic's eyes bulged. "**SON OF A – **"

A beam of blue light shot up and engulfed them both, and everything went white.


	28. The Ninth Circle of Well

Pichu slowly blinked his eyes open. He realized he was standing in front of the Light Ball which was resting on the pedestal once again, the Leaf Blade was now resting on his back instead, and… he was a Pichu again. Duh.

"Aw, man… I'm short and fat and ugly again," he sighed.

"When _weren't _you any of those things?" asked Togetic, who was still tall and slender and modestly attractive. "Anyway, more importantly, we're back in Hyrule seven years in the past! Time travel really works!"

"Hey, you're right… cool! Let's go do that thing that I already forgot what I'm supposed to do!"

So they left the Temple of Time and were pleased to find the Marketplace back to normal, with nary a brain-sucking ghost to be seen. They left town and saw that Hyrule was cheerful and peaceful, and very much not under the grip of a megalomaniacal psychic cat thing.

"Y'know, as long as we're here, don't you think maybe we should put our knowledge of the future to good use?" Togetic pondered. "Like, maybe _warn _everybody about Mewtwo, or even look for him and defeat him before he can rise to power?"

"That sounds like too much work."

"Solid argument."

Eventually they arrived back at the smaller, more modest, and less burned Kakariko Village of the past. Luckily the windmill was still there, and so Pichu opened the door to find the Ambipom still standing there and playing his phonograph.

"Geez, he looks a lot happier than he did in the future," Pichu noted.

"Probably because he hasn't had to meet you yet," Togetic grumbled.

"Go around! Go around!" the Ambipom sang cheerfully. "I'm writing a song inspired by this windmill going around and around!"

"And that's the highlight of your life so far, huh? Congratulations," Togetic replied.

Pichu walked up to him. "Hi there! I'm going to play a song I learned from you seven years in the future! Don't ask me why, 'cause I already forgot."

The Ambipom bristled. "WHAT? You can't do that! The future will be changed! You'll create a time paradox!"

"I'll do a what now?" asked Pichu, who had already finished playing the Song of Storms. Suddenly there was a deafening clap of thunder from outside and it began to downpour, and for some reason, the windmill began to spin faster and faster. And for some _other _reason, that caused all the water to drain out of the well outside. Yeah, just roll with it.

"Oh no! It's going way too fast!" the Ambipom cried. "You bastard! You ruined everything! Get out of my windmill!"

"Oh yeah? What if I don't?" Pichu asked mockingly.

––

Three seconds later, the Ambipom kicked open the door to the windmill while holding the shrieking Pichu above his head, then stormed over to the well and drop kicked Pichu into it.

"HAVE FUN BEING EATEN BY ZOMBIES, ASSHAT!" he shouted after Pichu.

––

Pichu groaned and groggily sat up, finding himself in a dank and filthy room deep at the bottom of the well.

"Well, I see the fall didn't kill you. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up," Togetic sighed as she casually flew down after him. "Now Pichu, in this dungeon there are a bunch of walls that appear to be real and solid, when in fact you can walk right through them."

"…What? Why? Who the hell spends their time putting up illusory walls at the bottom of a freaking well? Especially since it was filled with water up until a few seconds ago?"

Togetic blinked. Clearly neither of them knew the answer to that question, and so they sat pondering it in silence for about ten minutes before Togetic finally smacked him in the head.

"WHO CARES? Stop questioning video game logic!"

So they walked through a fake wall into a labyrinthine area filled with murky, disgusting water. A bunch of nasty-looking Duskulls were flying around, the walls were stained with dry blood, and the skeletons and corpses of long-deceased Pokémon littered the ground.

"…Well, this is disgusting," Togetic decided.

"I reiterate my previous question. What is all this stuff doing in a _well?_" Pichu cried.

Togetic was looking thoughtful. "Actually, I think I remember hearing about this…"

_**Flashback**_

"Umbreon! The seventeenth annual Kakariko Chili Cookout was a complete disaster! We had more casualties than ever!" cried the Sentret guard. "What are we supposed to do with all the corpses – I mean, incriminating evidence?"

"All right, stop panicking," Umbreon ordered. "I know what we'll do. We'll throw all the bodies in the well! It's not like storing a bunch of decomposing corpses in the same place as our drinking water is going to have any adverse effects, right?"

The Sentret blinked. "Uh, sure, whatever you say."

_**End Flashback**_

"I guess Umbreon's not as smart as we thought, huh Pichu?" Togetic pondered.

Pichu didn't answer. He was being gang raped by a bunch of undead Poké-zombies. Or they were just sucking his brains out. It's really hard to tell.

"**SAVE ME FROM THE POTATO PIRATES, MR. BOWLING BALL!**" Pichu shrieked deliriously.

After Togetic sighed deeply, single-handedly beat the zombies to a pulp and saved Pichu, they continued exploring the well, passing through a bunch more illusory walls and otherwise not accomplishing much.

"Hey Pichu, you hear that noise?" Togetic piped up as they were walking by a large wooden X in the ground.

"Huh, yeah, I do," said Pichu as he listened. "It's that same unearthly groan we heard back in the Forest Temple right before that Cradily fell on top of me and tried to kill me…" He blanched. "Uh, this is probably bad."

Just then, another enormous Cradily slammed onto the ground, then hurled itself at Pichu and Togetic. "**YEEEAAAAAAUGH!**" they both screamed.

"I FREAKING HATE THIS PLACE WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING!" Togetic shrieked as the abomination chased them around.

Suddenly, Pichu skidded to a stop and turned around. "Okay, that's it! I will never be the true Hero of Time if I keep running from my fears like this!" he declared. "It's time for me to face this thing head on!"

Both Togetic and the Cradily looked stunned. "Pichu, while I'm impressed, what's causing you to be so uncharacteristically brave?" asked Togetic.

"The fumes from the corpses are scrambling my brains!" Pichu shouted heroically. "Now, you freak of nature, you'll learn why you should never mess with the Hero of **WAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGHHH!**" he shrieked as he fell through the illusory floor and down to the bottom floor of the well.

"Oh yeah, I should probably have mentioned that there are fake floors in this place too," said Togetic as she flew down after him.

Pichu stuck his head out of the poisonous green water he had landed in, looking furious. "Well, thanks a _lot! _That was an anticlimactic fight!" he fumed. "Now I have to go back up there and challenge that thing again!"

So he climbed up the ladder and returned to the main floor, looking around impatiently. "All right, you vile and horrible monster, come and get me if you're not too afraid to **WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGHHHHH!**" he screamed as he fell through another illusory section of the floor.

"Gonna try that again?" asked Togetic after flying down after him.

Pichu sat up out of the poisonous water again. "Oh, screw it. This is more trouble than it's worth."

––

After returning to the main floor and narrowly avoiding getting mauled by zombies several additional times, Pichu noticed a Triforce symbol on the ground that had somehow eluded him until now.

"Ooh! OOH! I know what to do here!" he said proudly, playing a song on the Pokéflute of Time.

"Pichu, that wasn't Eevee's Lullaby, that was Gangsta's Paradise," Togetic said in confusion.

"I know. I like that song."

Togetic kicked him in the shin and played Eevee's Lullaby herself, causing the water to drain out of the shallow tunnels in the well. Pichu eventually found a small hole that this action had uncovered, crawled through it and walked through a door at the other end. The instant he and Togetic were through, a portcullis slammed over the door.

"Well, that's never a good sign," Togetic muttered.

The duo immediately noticed that four long, sickly, purple-and-yellow arms were sticking up out of the floor at every corner of the room, waving around in an incredibly unsettling way. Obviously, the logical thing to do would have been to stay as far away from them as possible. So I probably don't have to tell you what Pichu did.

"**MFHHF MRGGG RRMMMRRGG!**" he shrieked in a muffled voice as one of the hands clamped down over his face.

"Pichu, what the hell?" Togetic snapped, but her attention was drawn away from him as she saw the owner of the four arms, a monstrous Drifblim, rise up out of the floor.

"Ha ha ha!" the Drifblim laughed evilly, as opposed to laughing kindly, which wouldn't have made much sense. "Finally, after hundreds of years, a victim falls into my trap! Feeding time at last!"

"Wait… you're saying the only way you can beat somebody is if they're actually stupid enough to go walking into one of your hands?" Togetic clarified. She shook her head. "That in itself is pretty damn stupid."

"Well… yeah… SHUT UP!" the Drifblim snapped, using Gust and hurling Togetic into the wall. Then it turned its attention back to Pichu. "Time to suck out whatever minimal brains you probably have, little rodent!"

Pichu tore himself free of the hand's grip. "Oh no you don't! I may be stupid, but I'm not dumb!" he shouted nonsensically, charging into battle. The Drifblim responded by using Ominous Wind, whipping Pichu around and sending him tumbling across the floor.

"All right, that's it! You picked the wrong guy to mess with! You forget I have a type advantage!" Pichu roared furiously. "Feel the wrath of my THUNDERBOLT!"

He concentrated hard, but nothing happened. It was at this very moment that he remembered he was a Pichu again and incapable of using Electric attacks.

He grew very pale. "Uh, T-money… is _Grass _good against Flying?"

"We're screwed," Togetic sighed.

"I AGREE WITH THAT SENTIMENT! NOW STOP BEING ANNOYING AND DIE ALREADY!" the Drifblim shrieked, pelting Pichu with a bunch of Shadow Balls and beating him up quite mercilessly.

Suddenly, Togetic realized something. "Pichu, forget video game logic for a second and think about real world logic! That thing is a _balloon_, right? And you have an incredibly _sharp and pointy _weapon!"

Pichu blinked dumbly. "I don't get where you're going with this."

Togetic smacked herself in the forehead, grabbed the Leaf Blade out of Pichu's hands and poked the Drifblim with it just as it was hurling itself at Pichu again.

"What the – AAAAAUUUUUUGHHHH!" it screamed as it exploded, its remains flying across the room and sending out a tremendous burst of compressed hot air that flung Pichu and Togetic into the wall.

"Wow, it worked! I'm a genius!" Pichu beamed.

"I lack the patience to argue with you about that," Togetic sighed, noticing the random chest that had suddenly appeared in the room in a shining wave of sparkles.

Pichu noticed it too. "How the heck did that thing appear out of nowhere? That's impossible!"

"Pichu, stop thinking about real world logic for a second and think about video game logic," Togetic snapped, opening the chest and pulling out the Silph Scope.

––

**A/N: **Eh, sorry if that was an abrupt ending, but I have to go to work. Wee!


	29. Magnets, Mazes and Morons

**A/N: **Holy crap, guys! This story is up to 200 REVIEWS! I just hit 100 back in the Fire Temple! XD Thanks so much for the support, everyone, I couldn't do it without you!

––

Once Pichu and Togetic re-emerged from the well with the Silph Scope in hand, Togetic decided that there wasn't really anything else they could do in the past.

"Really? Awesome!" Pichu cheered. "Let's hurry up and go get the Light Ball so I can be a strong and ridiculously sexy Pikachu again!"

"Right. Because condemning Hyrule to tyranny and devastation is an acceptable loss compared to that."

"Exactly."

So they went back to the Temple of Time, and Pichu pulled out the Light Ball once again. When the light faded away, he was delighted to find he was a Pikachu again, and pranced gleefully out into the nightmarish dystopia that was Hyrule.

"You really are a callous bastard sometimes," Togetic remarked.

"Aww, thanks! You too!"

Remembering that they next had to travel to the Shadow Temple, Pikachu pulled out the Pokéflute of Time and _eventually_ managed to play the Nocturne of Shadow, for the same reason that an infinite number of monkeys will _eventually _be able to reproduce the works of Shakespeare. They warped to a large hidden alcove at the back of the Graveyard, where there were a bunch of torches standing in a circle.

"Hmm… I bet I have to find some way to light all these torches at once in order to get in the temple," Pikachu decided.

"I think that's exactly right," said Togetic, who decided there was no possible way he could be stupid enough to mess this one up. So you can imagine the look on her face when Pikachu immediately sat down, pulled out two pieces of flint and started scraping them against each other.

"Come _on! _Light, damn you!"

Togetic stared for a moment, then smacked him. "JUST USE FLAME WHEEL, DAMMIT!"

"Huh? Oh, right," said Pikachu, doing just that. The dome of flames he generated spread out and lit all the torches, causing the door to open.

"Well, now we know for sure which is greater, your stupidity or your love of burning things," Togetic sighed as they walked on through.

As they traveled through the temple they were almost immediately greeted with a dead end, as an enormous bottomless pit stretched over to a locked door on the other side. Deciding Pikachu would probably take several hours to figure it out, Togetic saved them both the trouble and pulled out the Silph Scope herself.

"Well, we should probably go down that way. There's a hidden hallway in the wall over there," she announced, pointing.

"Woah! There's a hidden hallway?" said Pikachu. "Wow! And I figured that out without even using the Silph Scope! I must be a total genius!"

Knowing far better than to try to argue with him at this point, Togetic followed him as he ran down the hallway. They eventually found themselves walking through an extremely dark and eerie maze, lined with walls that seemed to be made of skulls and bones.

"_Shadow Temple… here is gathered Hyrule's bloody history of greed and hatred…_" echoed a mysterious voice.

"Do you really have to do that?" Togetic impatiently asked the Duskull who'd been following them around while holding a microphone.

"Sorry. I just like adding to the effect," it replied.

Finally they entered a somewhat familiar-looking room at the end of the maze, which had four somewhat familiar-looking arms sticking out of the ground and waving around.

"Oh, great. This again," Togetic sighed. "You remember what you have to do, Pikachu?"

"Not in the slightest," Pikachu replied, walking up to one of the arms and shrieking in total surprise as it clamped down over his face.

"MWA HA HA HA!" laughed the Drifblim as it rose up out of the floor. "I can't believe somebody actually fell for that! You must be a complete idiot!"

"Trust me, it's not nearly as funny after the first few times," Togetic muttered.

"Okay, that's it!" Pikachu snarled as he wrenched free of the Drifblim's grasp. "I've had my stupidity pointed out one time too many for my liking! You're going DOWN!" He shrieked a furious battle cry and charged at the Drifblim, who promptly began handing Pikachu's ass to him.

"I should probably be helping him out," Togetic said nonchalantly to herself as she watched the hopelessly one-sided fight, which consisted mainly of Pikachu flailing like an idiot as the Drifblim sucked his brains out. "Yeah, I really should be."

"_Drifblim… here is an undead monstrosity that sucks the life from its victims…_" the Duskull spoke into its microphone.

Togetic did a double take. "What the hell are you still doing here?" she snapped, grabbing the Duskull and hurling it directly at the Drifblim. Realizing that the ghost had a lot more brains than Pikachu did, the Drifblim immediately dropped the electric rodent and hurled itself at the shrieking Duskull, forgetting Pikachu entirely.

"Ha! And let that be a lesson to you!" Pikachu sneered triumphantly.

"Oh just shut up already," Togetic grumbled, opening the chest that had mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. "Hmm…"

"What's in there? A couple of magnets?" Pikachu said in confusion, peering in the chest.

"Aha! That's how you'll get across the gap!" Togetic realized. "You can wear those magnets on your feet and use Magnet Rise!"

"But wouldn't that only work if the floor itself was a magnet?" Pikachu asked, cocking his head.

Togetic glared at him. "Why is it that you only say smart and sensible things when it's annoying and hinders the plot?"

"I'm just special like that."

––

As they returned to the previous area, they realized they would still have to deal with the locked door on the other side of the gap.

"Oh, terrific. How do we open the door from over here?" Pikachu pouted.

"Hmm, I think I know," said Togetic, who was currently studying a large Honchkrow statue surrounded by pillars topped with skulls. "There's a sign here that says we have to figure out which one is the 'Skull of Truth', or else suffer descent into eternal darkness. Well, Pikachu, looks like you're going to have to use your brain to – "

"EEEEEEYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" Pikachu shrieked as he lifted up the statue, hurling it across the gap like a javelin and smashing open the door.

Togetic blinked. "What the hell was that all about?"

"You'd be surprised at the lengths I go to avoid using my brain," Pikachu said simply.

Togetic shook her head and flew across the gap, and Pikachu used Magnet Rise to hover across. They continued plowing their way through the temple, eventually traveling down a narrow hallway that opened up to a huge cavernous area lined with guillotines slamming down on their path.

"Hmm… this might be a problem. You're definitely not smart enough _or _fast enough to get past all those things," said Togetic, eyeing the falling blades.

"Yeah, you're right. Good thing I have a meat shield."

"What the – ACK!" Togetic screamed as Pikachu grabbed her and lifted her over his head, charging straight down the path and through the guillotines. He was completely unharmed, but Togetic was repeatedly and painfully sliced and diced.

"I suppose I deserve that several times over," she grumbled as they reached the other side. Now they were on a big platform surrounded by a bottomless drop, and just to add to the fun times, a Marowak suddenly jumped down next to them.

"Moo hoo hahaha! I'm afraid that's as far as you'll be going, little man! The only way through this temple is through me! Prepare to battle!"

"Okay, I really don't have time for this," Pikachu said irritably, effortlessly pushing the Marowak off the ledge.

"**SON OF A BIIIIIIIII – **" it screamed as it plummeted to its doom.

"Lucky for you the enemies here seem to be as stupid as you are," said Togetic.

––

There were plenty of invisible moving platforms in the area, so Pikachu used the Silph Scope to see them all and navigated further through the temple. Eventually they arrived at a hallway with a bunch of enormous falling spike traps blocking their way through.

"Okay, this is just ridiculous. Screw the Shadow Temple, this is the Shadow Meat Processing Facility," Togetic grumbled.

"Well, you know what this means," Pikachu said brightly. "Ready for another round, meat shield?"

"What – YOU STUPID FREAKING – " Togetic shrieked as Pikachu hoisted her over his head and scrambled directly under the spike traps. Once again, he was completely unharmed while Togetic was repeatedly impaled and came out covered in bleeding puncture wounds.

"Hey, look, T-money! There's a big stone block over there!" Pikachu realized once they'd made it across. "I guess I could've just pushed that thing instead and you wouldn't have had to get hurt at all? Heh heh, funny huh?"

Togetic's eye twitched. "Yeah, hilarious. Now help me stop bleeding so I can strangle you."

––

After further exploration and doing fun things like getting his jugular sliced by invisible spinning blades and getting blown into a brick wall by an enormous fan, Pikachu finally arrived at a large open area with what appeared to be a gigantic boat sitting atop a misty river.

"Well, unless the blood loss and brain trauma have reduced my thinking capacity, I deduce we need to get on that boat to get to the boss," Pikachu decided.

"Well, I highly doubt your thinking capacity could be reduced any more than it already is. So, you're probably right."

So the two of them climbed up on the boat and found a golden Triforce painted on the floor. For some inexplicable reason Pikachu managed to play Eevee's Lullaby on the Pokéflute, and all of a sudden, the ship's bell began to ring and the massive boat began to move forward by itself, which made about as much sense as everything else in this dumb story.

"Dude! Check it out! This is awesome!" Pikachu cheered as the ship lurched through the dark hallway. "Y'know what would make this even cooler?"

"You not being here to ruin it?"

"No! Music!"

Togetic winced in horror as Pikachu inexplicably donned a pair of shutter shades and began to sing. "I'M ON A BOAT! I'M ON A BOAT! EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME 'CAUSE I'M SAILING ON A BOAT! I'M ON A BOAT! I'M ON A BOAT! TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT THE MOTHERF – **ACK!**" he screamed as the authoress strategically cut him off by dropping a pair of Marowaks down on him.

"Your horrible singing offends us! Now you must die!" one of the Marowaks bellowed as they both rushed him.

"STOP BLAMING ME FOR YOUR BAD TASTE!" Pikachu shrieked as they started pummeling him with their Bone Clubs.

"Well, here we go again," Togetic sighed. She grabbed Pikachu by the tail and started swinging him around like a pair of nunchucks, bashing the Marowaks while shrieking something that sounded vaguely Japanese.

"Holy crap! This lady's batsh#t insane!" cried one of the freaked-out Marowaks.

"Now you tell me," Pikachu groaned painfully.

"ABANDON SHIP!" screamed the other Marowak, and both of them hurled themselves off the side of the boat and into the misty darkness below. Togetic started laughing evilly in triumph, but then blinked slowly as she realized the ship was sinking.

"EEEEEK! DO SOMETHING, T-MONEY!" Pikachu cried as they started plummeting into the darkness. Togetic immediately grabbed him and drop kicked him off the side of the boat, then flew up to safety just as the boat vanished forever.

"Phew… thanks for saving me, T-money," Pikachu sighed from where he was laying on a narrow stretch of ground.

Togetic looked shocked. "What? I didn't know there was somewhere for you to _land _there! Dammit!"

––

The two of them eventually found a door in the area and walked through, only to realize they were standing in a maze that was crawling with enormous Cradilys. One of them immediately noticed Pikachu and turned an eerie shade of green, preparing to lunge at him.

"Okay Togetic, there aren't any invisible holes in the floor in here, are there?" Pikachu quickly asked.

"No, there most certainly are not."

"All right then! You sin against nature, your day of reckoning has come! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he screamed as he heroically charged directly at the Cradily, then heroically crashed into an invisible wall right in front of him.

"Oh, but there are a ton of invisible walls. I didn't mention that, did I?" said Togetic as the Cradily started pointing and laughing at him.

Pikachu was now extremely pissed off, if only because his broken and bleeding nose would be highly difficult to pick in the future. "All right, that's it! I'm bringing out the explosives! You made me do it!"

So instead of doing the smart thing and using the Silph Scope to see all the invisible walls, he just hurled a bunch of Egg Bombs and blew up the wall, then engaged the Cradily in a vicious battle and finally electrocuted it to death.

"HA HA! I finally did it!" he crowed in triumph. "That thing wasn't even hard at all! I'm _unstoppable!_"

He just then noticed that the Cradily had inexplicably split off into three little Lileeps that were now surrounding him.

"What the – AAAAAAHHHH!" he screamed as all three of them hurled themselves at him and started sucking his brains out. In the meantime, Togetic flew into an adjacent room, got the Boss Key, then returned to Pikachu and casually dragged him back outside to safety.

"Thanks for being a distraction," she said.

"Uh, yeah…" Pikachu groaned in pain, clutching his head. "So, sorry about the whole meat shield thing… are we even now?"

"Not in the slightest," Togetic assured him, dragging him through the final door as they set out to confront the boss.

––

**A/N: **I actually hadn't started thinking about what the Hover Boots would be before Drake Clawfang suggested Magnet Rise, so… thanks for that. :P


	30. A Half Baked Battle

**A/N: **Guess where I'm writing this from… jury duty! Ah what a thrilling life I lead…

––

The first thing Pikachu and Togetic saw in the Boss Chamber was an enormous pit that led down to a dark room below, obviously where they would be doing battle.

"Oh great… another one of these," Pikachu groaned.

"Uh huh."

"And you're not going to be nice and fly me down, are you?"

"Hell to the no."

Pikachu sighed and got it over with, stepping into the pit and falling all the way down. After another in a long series of painful landings, he and Togetic looked around in confusion.

"…Where are we?" Togetic wondered.

"I dunno… but this floor I'm standing on… it feels weird," Pikachu remarked, looking down at it. "It looks like… a steel drum?"

He didn't get to pursue that logic any further before an enormous pair of pitch-black hands suddenly appeared in the air out of nowhere. Pikachu and Togetic looked up and yelped in shock, leaping out of the way as the massive hands began beating the very large drum. The reverberations were so strong that Pikachu was thrown off his feet.

He and Togetic stared up at the owner of those hands and gasped.

"Holy hand grenade! What _is _that thing?" Pikachu cried.

"It's – it's – a _Darkrai!_" Togetic exclaimed in horror.

Said Darkrai was wearing a Rasta-style hat with long dark dreadlocks, and he had a large joint sticking out of his mouth.

"OY, MON! HOW DARE YA BE INTERRUPTIN' MAH JAM SESSION!" it bellowed.

"…I stand corrected… it's a _Rastafarian _Darkrai," Togetic deadpanned in disbelief.

"That explains the drum, I guess," Pikachu decided.

"THOSE BE DA FACTS, MON! NOW WITNESS AS I KICK YOUR LITTLE ASS, FOR REASONS I BE TOO STONED TO REMEMBER!"

The air around him suddenly began to shimmer and he vanished from sight, save for his hands, which continued pounding on the massive steel drum and sending Pikachu flying.

"Dear Entei, cut out that racket!" Togetic shrieked, covering her ears against the atrocious reggae music. "This is nearly as bad as Pikachu singing!"

"HEY! Take that back, you wench!" Pikachu snapped, throwing a Razor Leaf at her. Luckily, Darkrai's pounding on the drum threw his aim so far off that the Razor Leaf flew astray, slicing Darkrai right in the hand.

"_OY!_ WHY YA BE HATIN' ON MAH MUSIC, YA UGLY LITTLE MON?"

Darkrai used Knock Off! He knocked Pikachu off the drum! Ha ha, get it?

"ACK! T-money, help meeeee!" Pikachu wailed as he splashed into a pool of poisonous green water.

Togetic folded her arms and turned away. "Forget it, Pikachu! Those meat shield comments really hurt! It's only fair that you go through the same physical pain _I _had to go through."

Pikachu's eye twitched. "THAT'S BULLSH#T! YOU JUST ENJOY WATCHING ME SUFFER!"

"Yep, pretty much."

Pikachu immediately used Magnet Rise and floated out of the poisoned water, scrambling back onto the drum and panting in exhaustion. "HAH! Gravity can totally suck it!" he proclaimed.

"WHAT THE – " came Darkrai's stunned voice, though he was still invisible. "ALL RIGHT, NO MORE MESSIN' AROUND, YA DAMN FLYIN' RODENT!"

His uninjured hand immediately swept across the floor, snatching up Pikachu and crushing the life out of him. Pikachu shrieked in pain, but then his rodent instincts kicked in and he started gnawing frantically on the hand.

"YAAAAAAAAH!" the Rastafarian shadow beast bellowed in pain, shaking his hand desperately. Pikachu clung on with his teeth, flailing around crazily before finally flying off and landing on the drum. Now Darkrai was shaking both his hands in pain.

"Awesome! Now that he's stunned we can attack his huge and incredibly obvious weak spot!" Pikachu declared knowingly. He whipped out the Silph Scope and saw Darkrai's now-visible form, immediately noticing his glowing red eyes.

"Oh, crap! His eyes are bright red! He must be really angry!" he fretted.

"Actually, I think it's just because he's baked like an apple pie," said Togetic.

Darkrai was clearly losing his patience. "OH JUST SHUT UP, WOULD YA?"

Darkrai used Dark Void! At least he tried to, but Pikachu hit him in the eye with a Razor Leaf first! DENIED!

"_**WHAT THE HELL, MON? **__WHO HITS PEOPLE IN THEIR FREAKIN' EYES? YOU'RE SOME KINDA DAMN SADIST!_" Darkai screeched.

"No, you're thinking of Togetic. I just like hurting things," Pikachu replied.

"That's really the same thing, Pikachu," Togetic reminded him.

"WHATEVER! I'M FINISHING THIS!" Pikachu snapped, pulling out Heatran's Sword and charging at the incapacitated shadow beast.

"OH NO YA DON'T! I AIN'T FINISHED WIT YA YET!"

Darkrai used MARIJUANA POWER! **OH NO!** Pikachu got stoned!

"Wooooooah! Check out that shadow guy! He's, like, shadowy and stuff!" Pikachu exclaimed, dropping his sword.

Togetic looked utterly incredulous. "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?"

"HA HA! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME NOW!" Darkrai taunted.

Pikachu immediately struck a stance while going cross-eyed. "Oh yeah? I'll show you, Patrick!"

Pikachu used Wide Slash! Pikachu's attack missed!

Darkrai used Dark Pulse! Darkrai's attack missed! This continued for several minutes until it became clear that both opponents were too wasted to hit each other, thus making the battle a draw!

"OH HELL NO! WE ARE NOT GOING THROUGH ALL THAT RIDICULOUS CRAP JUST TO LOSE!" Togetic yelled. She grabbed Heatran's Sword out of Pikachu's hands and hurled herself at Darkrai, letting loose a battle cry as she drove it straight into his head.

"AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Darkrai let out a mortal scream. He began rapidly pounding the steel drum with his hands, then slowly drew to a stop before his entire body dissolved into a mass of shadow and faded away.

Pikachu didn't seem aware of this. "T-money, what do I do now? I can't even remember who we're fighting!" he slurred. Togetic sighed and smacked him in the head, and his eyes immediately snapped back into place.

"Phew! Thanks. Now let's make like Darkrai and blow this joint! Ha ha! Get it? Blow this joint? 'Cause he had a joint that he – AAAAAHHH!" he cried as Togetic grabbed him and hurled him through the Shining Blue Portal before flying in herself.

––

Of course, the duo quickly found themselves teleported to the Chamber of Sages once again. As they landed in the center, the purple platform across from them began to glow, and Umbreon rose up out of it. Pikachu, as always, gawked in utter surprise.

"Oh, dear… it's you again. So after all this, you truly are the Hero of Time. We're more screwed than I thought," Umbreon sighed. "Now then Pikachu, as you know, I am Princess Eevee's attendant, and I am also the Sage who guards the Shadow Temple."

"_You _guard the Shadow Temple? Please. I'm the one who got stoned and kicked that Darkrai guy's ass," Pikachu scoffed.

Togetic shoved him out of the way. "Where _is _Princess Eevee, anyway? We haven't seen her in a long time."

"There's no need to worry… the princess is safe now. At least she _was _safe, but then I was always there to protect her. Now the only ones who can do that are you two. Accordingly, the other Sages have started a betting pool on when she'll die."

"Good to know we have so much support," Togetic sighed.

Umbreon went on. "Pikachu… soon you will meet the princess face-to-face, and she'll explain everything. At least as much as can be explained in this ridiculous story. For now, I will give you my power in this Plate."

As she spoke, a dark flash suddenly appeared over their heads and a black medallion floated down to Pikachu.

_Pikachu received the Dread Plate! Umbreon adds her power to Pikachu's, even though she seems to think it'll be a total waste and Pikachu will get himself killed anyway! She's probably right!_

"_Please look out for the princess… or else I'll have to gnaw your face off…_"

––

**A/N: **Heh, I hope that boss fight wasn't overly nonsensical. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to the Spirit Temple arc. It should be awesome.


	31. Pikachu Goes Metal Gear

"All right! Now we've got five of the six plot-advancing relics of vaguely described power!" Pikachu cheered once they'd left the Chamber of Sages. "Where are we off to now?"

"Well, conveniently, there are only six major regions in this country, and we've been to five of them so far," said Togetic. "So my guess would be that we need to go to the one place we haven't explored yet."

"I swear, I'll never figure out your logic."

So the duo journeyed to Gerudo Valley, where Pikachu was greeted with a roadblock almost immediately.

"Oh, come on! The bridge is out! I can't get across that huge gorge!"

"Yes, what an unfortunate and plot-contrived setback this is. Well, you can forget about me flying you across. I enjoy having all my vertebrae in place."

"Fine, then," Pikachu snapped, pulling out his Pokéflute. "There's only one person who can help me now!"

––

Far away in a peaceful valley, Epona was having a very good time relaxing and lounging around, without a care in the world. All that came to a screeching halt when she suddenly heard the strains of a very familiar song floating on the wind.

"What's this?" she cried, her head jerking up. "I sense… a disturbance…"

––

"There we go!" Pikachu said cheerfully. "Now in just a few minutes my loyal steed will be here, and I can ride her across that gap!"

"Your _loyal _steed? You know she wants to kill you, right?"

"Well, so does mostly everybody else I know. I don't have much of a way to gauge loyalty with you people. But just wait! She'll be here any minute now."

––

_Five hours later…_

"Pikachu, I don't think she's coming."

It was now nighttime, and Pikachu had been desperately blowing Epona's Song into the Pokéflute for the past several hours until his lungs had collapsed in exhaustion. As Togetic spoke he snapped his head up impatiently.

"Okay, _fine! _We'll just do this the hard way!"

––

"NOOOOO! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Epona shrieked some time later as Pikachu dragged her into the valley by a rope he'd tied around her neck.

"Oh, stop whining. If I have to put up with him, so do you," Togetic snapped.

"Please, Epona?" Pikachu implored. "All you have to do is get me across that gorge over there." He pointed.

Epona blinked in surprise, looking back and forth between Pikachu and the bridge, finally growing an evil grin on her face.

"Sure thing, kiddo."

Pikachu suddenly looked nervous. "Wait… what are you – YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" he screamed as Epona's mule kick sent him careening over the gorge and crashing to the ground on the other side.

"What the hell? What's going on? Now it's raining electric rodents!" complained the Bibarel carpenter that Togetic had met earlier. "Like things couldn't get worse already!"

"Hey, I remember you. You're that guy I didn't help because I had better things to do," Togetic remarked as she flew over.

The Bibarel frowned. "That's right! And I'll have you know I can't get anything done around here because the other carpenters are all still locked up the Gerudo Fortress! Your yellow friend seems marginally smarter than they are; can't he help?"

"Aw, come on, T-money! We have to help them! It's the right thing to do!"

Togetic sighed deeply. "Fine. I'm sure I can drink this incident into oblivion later on."

"Perfect! I should warn you, though, those female Psychic-types are a crafty lot," the Bibarel said seriously. "You'll have to be extra careful to get past them."

"Aw, don't worry about that," Pikachu assured him. "I already have a plan."

––

"HEYYYYYYY, LADIES! WHAT'S SHAKIN', MY FINE SEXIES!" Pikachu called very loudly as he strode into the fortress. "I'M HERE TO KILL YOUR LEADER, BUT FIRST I GOTTA SAVE SOME PRISONERS OF YOURS! CAN YOU HELP A BRO OUT?"

Every single Pokémon in the fortress immediately stopped what they were doing and turned to glare bloody murder at the intruder. Pikachu sweatdropped.

"Pikachu, what the _hell _was that?" Togetic snapped.

"I was hoping to win them over with my charm and charisma," Pikachu admitted.

"IT'S A MAN! LET'S KILL HIM!" shouted a Gardevoir.

Pikachu shrieked like a girl as the entire gang of Psychic-types rushed him, beating and stabbing him within an inch of his life before finally throwing him in a prison cell.

––

"Well, that was about the polar opposite of what I planned to happen," Pikachu sighed.

"Well, even if they are sexy badass thieves, they're still pretty stupid," remarked Togetic, who was in the cell with him for some reason. "They apparently didn't notice you had a Togetic with you who could just fly you out that window up there."

Pikachu looked delighted. "Really? You'll actually help me?"

"Of course not. I'm just saying, they didn't notice."

Pikachu pouted. "Well, fine. I can get out of here by myself."

So Pikachu used his Power Whip to pull himself up onto the window ledge, then sneaked out of the cell and into a nearby section of the fortress. All manner of Psychic-types were on patrol, marching back and forth with spears in hand, but Pikachu managed to evade them all by sneaking behind crates and peering around corners.

"Ha ha! From now on, call me _Solid _Pikachu!" he boasted some time later.

Togetic frowned. "Why? That sounds even dumber than usual."

"YOU DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO WOMAN!"

"Hey, you! Young man over there! Look here in this cell!" came a voice. Pikachu and Togetic turned to see a Bidoof standing in a large cell behind bars.

"I have no idea where you come from, but you must have a lot of guts to make it past all the guards around here!" the Bidoof exclaimed.

"Either that or a lack of common sense. They go hand in hand," Pikachu agreed.

"…Yes, well, anyway, if you can rescue all four of us carpenters locked up in here, we'll repay you somehow. But there's sure to be guards somewhere… around… here… WOO! Watch out!"

"'Woo'? What kinda girly man are you?" asked Pikachu, completely disregarding the Medicham who had just dropped to the floor behind him.

"Hey! You're that fatty from before!" she snarled at him. "All right, that does it! I'm not holding back this time! Prepare for the hottest and most painful punishment session of your life!"

"Well, when you put it that way…" Pikachu smirked before Togetic smacked him and he quickly shook his head. "I mean, no! You're goin' down, sister!"

He started leaping back and forth, shaking his fists at her in an intimidating way. He was just about to jump at her when she cut him off with a single Force Palm and sent him collapsing to the floor, twitching and immobilized.

––

"Well, that didn't work," Pikachu decided once he was back in the same cell he'd been in before. "I'll have to try a new tactic."

"A new tactic? Like not being dumber than a brick wall?" asked Togetic.

"That's right!" Pikachu replied with a sinister grin. "I know _exactly _what I'm going to do this time."

––

Somewhere outside Pikachu's cell, a Grumpig and a Kadabra were standing at their posts and having a very deep and meaningful conversation.

"So she was like, 'Oh no you didn't, girlfriend!'" said the Grumpig. "And I was like, 'Oh yes I _did_, girlfriend!' And she was like 'Oh no you DIDN'T, girlfriend!' And I was like – "

She was regrettably cut off by an enormous, deafening explosion as Pikachu came blasting his way out of the cell, cackling insanely and hurling a bunch of Egg Bombs.

"HOLY CRAP! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" shrieked the Kadabra.

What followed was mass pandemonium as Pikachu blasted through the fortress, blowing up everything and everyone in sight. The Psychic-types all fled the fortress screaming in panic, or else were hurled out the windows by the numerous explosions that were destroying the place.

"HOORAY! We're free!" cheered one of the Bidoofs as he realized the explosions had destroyed the bars on their cages. Amidst all the chaos, he and the other carpenters all scampered off to freedom while swinging their arms like a bunch of sissies.

"I can't believe this is actually working," said Togetic. "Maybe bombing the crap out of stuff rather than doing something sensible is a better idea than I thought."

"Hey, you!" came a sharp voice. Pikachu quickly stopped what he was doing and turned to find himself looking up at a very stern-looking Xatu.

"Uh… I can explain. Seriously."

"Shut up. Now look, I've been watching you, kid. To get past the guards, you must have had some good bombing skills and disregard for other people's lives. That's something we Psychic-types hold in high regard."

"Now you tell me."

"While Mewtwo and our exalted second-in-command are away, I'm in charge of this place," said the Xatu. "And I'll tell you, you have some real potential, kid. I used to think all men besides Mewtwo were useless, but you changed my mind… how'd you like to join our group?"

"Uhh…"

"Perfect! You're in!" Xatu crowed, slapping him on the back. "Here's your membership pin and your coupon book that gets you fifty percent off at most major fast food joints! Meetings are every Sunday at six, so don't be late!"

And she flew off happily, leaving Pikachu and Togetic by themselves.

"…What just happened?" asked Togetic.

"I'll tell you what just happened," Pikachu replied with a smirk. "I just became the _only _male in a group full of unbelievably hot and sexy females!"

"Unbelievably hot and sexy females who probably can and will kill you in about three seconds."

"Eh, minor details."


	32. Operation Desert Storm

Pikachu wasted no time in exploiting his new status as a member of the Gerudo. He walked all around the fortress and hit on every girl in sight, but most of them responded by stabbing him with their spears.

"The hell, man! Considering how infrequently these guys see a man, you'd think they'd be happy about this!" he complained.

"Come on, Pikachu. You should know that even these guys have standards," said Togetic.

"Well you know, you're not a _real _man until you've completed the Gerudo Training Grounds," chided the Gardevoir, who was standing in front of a closed gate. "They're a series of grueling challenges designed to test your will and resolve. We've all completed them, and you won't get any respect around here until you do."

"Well, that settles it!" Pikachu declared, puffing his chest out. "Time to go do something stupid and dangerous in order to impress a bunch of girls, which is the only reason I ever do anything!"

"I'm going to ignore that," said the Gardevoir, clapping her hands and causing the gate to the Training Grounds to slide open. Pikachu cheered like an idiot and charged inside.

"Well, I guess I'll wait out here. He'll probably take a few days in there anyway," Togetic decided.

––

Much to Togetic's surprise, however, Pikachu reemerged from the Training Grounds not fifteen minutes later, triumphantly holding up his brand-new weapon, a bunch of Icicle Spears.

"What the – did you seriously beat that place already?" Togetic exclaimed.

"Of course not. He couldn't even get past the first room," the Gardevoir grumbled. "He started whining and throwing a tantrum so I gave him those things to shut him up. Damn kid was giving me a migraine."

"I have no regrets," Pikachu said proudly.

Togetic rolled her eyes. "Well while you were off being useless, I found out that the Spirit Temple is across the desert from here. That's the headquarters of the Psychic-types' second-in-command, whoever that is."

"Eh, probably someone unimportant we'll never hear about again."

So the two of them walked across the fortress grounds and over to the large gate that would lead them to the desert.

"Hey, babydoll! Think you can open the gate for us?" Pikachu asked the Medicham, who was standing guard in front of it.

She frowned at him. "Why would I do that? Didn't you very loudly declare that your intention for coming over here was to kill our leader?"

"Of course not. Don't be ridiculous."

Togetic was getting impatient again, so she just karate chopped the Medicham and sent her crumpling to the ground, then flew up and opened the gate herself. Then she and Pikachu set off through the Haunted Wasteland, finding their first challenge almost immediately.

"Okay, this dealy is called the River of Sand," said Togetic as they stood in front of, well, a river of sand. "If you try and cross it you'll sink and die, and as cathartic as it would be for me to watch that happen it's probably unwise."

"Yeah, right," Pikachu scoffed. "Like a bunch of sand is going to kill me? I doubt it."

He promptly walked into the river and was instantly killed.

––

"All right, time for a new plan," Pikachu decided once he'd been unkilled. "Hey, how do the other Psychic-types get across this place, anyway?"

"Hmm, that's a good question. We should ask them."

So they returned to the fortress and found Gardevoir in order to ask her that very question.

"So anyway, sweet cakes, if you're not doing anything on Friday we can – " Pikachu began before Togetic smacked him. "Oh, right. So anyhoo, how are we supposed to cross that huge desert? Do we need sort of ancient thief technique involving metaphors like 'The eye that sees the truth' or something?"

"What? No, don't be ridiculous. We're all issued amphibious all-terrain vehicles to get across the desert."

Togetic blinked. "Well, that works."

––

"**MWAHAHAHAHAHA!**" Pikachu laughed evilly as he loudly and violently mowed his way through the desert from inside his tank-like vehicle. He plowed across the River of Sand and flattened all the goal posts that were meant to guide people through the wasteland.

"Hey, that's cheap!" complained a Duskull with a lantern who was floating in the air. "I'm supposed to be the one who guides people through this desert! You're running me out of – **ACK!**" He was cut off as Pikachu ran him over with his tank.

"Pikachu, was that really necessary?" asked Togetic.

"Oh come on, he's a ghost. It's not like that'll hurt him. He won't care."

"**I CURSE YOU AND ALL YOUR DESCENDANTS TO A BLOODY AND NIGHTMARISH FATE!**" the Duskull shrieked after him.

"Like I said. Not a problem," said Pikachu.

––

Finally the duo arrived at the Desert Colossus, a large oasis where the Spirit Temple was located. After bursting through the wall of the temple with his tank, Pikachu hopped out and got a look around.

"All right, here we are! Time for some super awesome action-packed dungeon busting! What totally badass thing do we have to do first?"

"We can't get out of this room," Togetic reported.

Pikachu's ears drooped. "That was less than climactic."

So they left the temple by bursting through another section of the wall. Pikachu sat down on the steps and tried to think of what to do, when suddenly, a mysterious figure dropped to the ground right in front of him. Do I honestly need to tell you who it was?

"So, it seems we meet again, Pikachu," said Absol, sounding none too thrilled about it.

Pikachu was mortified. "NO, NO, NO! NOT YOU AGAIN!" he screamed, banging his head against the wall. "GET AWAY FROM ME! I HAVE A TANK!"

"Hey Pikachu, what's going – **OMG! ABSOLS ARE FALLING FROM THE SKY!**" Togetic shrieked in delight. "I can't believe what I'm seeing! It's like my dreams are becoming reality!"

"Either that, or the heat is making you hallucinate," Pikachu offered.

"And he's wearing a tapioca hat and a pretty pretty grass skirt!" Togetic giggled deliriously. She tried to fly up to Absol but promptly collapsed from heat exhaustion.

"Well, thank Entei for small favors," Absol muttered. "Now Pikachu, as you saw, there's no way for you to progress through the temple as you are. You must return to the Temple of Time, the port from which you may sail upstream and downstream through time's river." He apparently decided to stick in some more pointless time-related analogies for the added effect.

Pikachu frowned deeply. "You're serious? The absolutely only way I can get through this temple is by _going back in time? _I can't just do something more simple and direct like blowing the place up?"

"Of course not. Have I ever misled you before, Pikachu?"

"I guess not, unless you count every single time."

Absol clonked him over the head. "Now listen and learn the Requiem of Spirit, the song that will lead a child back to the desert."

So Absol pulled out his harp and played the Requiem of Spirit, Pikachu played it back on the Pokéflute of Time, blah blah blah. Truly it was a gripping and harrowing experience for all.

"Hey, wait a sec," Pikachu realized, his eyes lighting up in excitement. "This is the very last time you have to teach me a song, isn't it? This means you can leave forever now and I never have to see you again, right?"

"Oh, I wish," Absol muttered. Before Pikachu could react, he took several steps backward and was suddenly enveloped in the veil of sand whipping through the air, vanishing without a trace.

"What the – damn. I should've run him over while I had the chance."

"Is my little Egg McMuffin gone?" Togetic asked wearily, lifting her head up.

––

So following Absol's advice, they journeyed back to the Temple of Time once again, and Pikachu returned the Light Ball and traveled back in time, becoming a Pichu yet again. This process was not getting boring or monotonous in the slightest.

"Great… back to the desert we go," Togetic sighed, correctly assuming it would take less time to travel there the long way than for Pikachu to remember his new song. So several days later, they arrived back at the Spirit Temple, grumpy and exhausted.

"We've only been in the front room and I already hate this place," Togetic grumbled. "I honestly can't think of a single thing that would make up for having to travel through that Suicune-forsaken desert for so many – "

"Hey, what gives? There's somebody in here already!"

"IS IT ABSOL?"

Pichu frowned. "Unless he went through a girly pink phase back in the day, I don't think so."

However, it was not a girly pink Absol, but rather a Psychic-type they hadn't met who was gazing at a small hole in the wall.

Togetic looked thoughtful. "Hmm… doesn't she kinda look familiar, Pichu? Like, strangely similar to five other very specific people we've met so far?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I don't even know anymore," she sighed as Pichu strode right up to the strange Pokémon. As she heard him approach, she turned her head and glared at him.

"Who the hell are you and what do you want?"

"I'm Pichu, and I'm here to kill your leader, and maybe defile your temple while I'm at it," Pichu said brightly. Togetic groaned in exasperation and held a drill up to her head.

But to their surprise, the Psychic-type actually looked intrigued. "Is that so?" she said. "Isn't that something. Because my goal is to kill Mewtwo as well."

Togetic quickly dropped the drill. "What? But aren't you the second-in-command of the Psychic-types?"

"That's right. I'm Espeon, the greatest thief in the desert. I'm supposed to answer directly to Mewtwo, but I assure you that he's no leader of mine."

Togetic nodded sagely. "Oh, I get it. You're a noble thief who's rebelling against Mewtwo because he's been killing and harming innocent people, right?"

"What? No. I'm rebelling against Mewtwo because he leaves his dirty socks everywhere. And he runs up our cable bill with all the cheap porn he's constantly buying. And he owes me twenty Rupees."

"Oh, I see," Togetic sighed, picking up the drill again.

"Anyway, kid, you might be just the help I'm looking for," Espeon went on, turning to Pichu. "Somewhere beyond this hole is the HM that teaches Strength. I can't possibly fit through there, but you can."

"Y'know, I could always just use my tank and break the wall down."

"Yes, but that would be defiling this ancient and sacred temple that my people have used as a place of worship for untold centuries."

"Your point being?"

Espeon smacked him. "Look, just go through that hole and find the HM, then come back here and give it to me. That at least will be a start at getting back at Mewtwo. In return, I will grant you many sexual favors."

"…What?"

"…Crap. I wasn't supposed to say that last part out loud."

"Okay, this conversation is making me more suicidal with every passing second. Let's get out of here," Togetic complained, shoving Pichu through the hole before following after him.

"T-money, why you always gotta be cutting in on my groove like that?" Pichu complained, dusting himself off. "She totally had the hots for me, couldn't you tell?"

Togetic just shook her head. "I swear, I'll never understand why half the girls we've met so far have thrown themselves at you."

"It's the 'stache. The ladies love it."

"You don't have a 'stache."

"Really? Well, then, I'm stumped."

––

**A/N: **Happy Halloween everybody! What are y'all dressing up as?


	33. That's The Spirit

"Okay! Here we are, the very last temple!" Pichu said excitedly. "And since I'm such a seasoned warrior now, it should be no problem at all! I'm ready for anything!"

He was instantly hit in the face with a flying pot.

"AAAAAHHH! MOMMYYYYYYYYYY!" he screamed, collapsing to the ground as he was pelted by a bunch of other possessed pots that smashed against him.

"Well, this is a promising start," Togetic said.

––

After heroically conquering the evil pottery, Pichu started working through the temple proper. As he dynamically kicked open the door to one of the next rooms he was promptly freaked out by some sort of undead mummified Lucario hovering in front of him.

"What's up with this dude?" he demanded, finding that whenever he tried to take a step, the Lucario would do the same thing and prevent him from going forward.

"You wanna watch out for that thing, Pichu. It's weak against fire, but it'll mimic your movements and do whatever you do," Togetic informed him.

"Is that right?" said Pichu. He grew an evil grin and promptly punched himself in the face. "**OWWW! SON OF A B#TCH!**" he shrieked in pain, falling to the ground and clutching at his face. The Lucario gave him an unimpressed look before mimicking his action and punching him in the face as well.

"**AHHHH! **_**WHY**_** WOULD YOU DO THAT?**" Pichu whined. At this point Togetic got fed up and just grabbed the Lucario and hurled it into a conveniently placed fire trap.

"Hey! I totally had him!" Pichu said angrily.

In the next room there was a large grated wall with a portion in the middle that was meant to collapse into a walkway and span over a large gap. Pichu was supposed to collect a bunch of Silver Rupees in order to make that happen, but he lacked the patience and so just punched and gnawed on the wall in frustration until it finally fell over. He then continued through the temple in a similar fashion until he entered a big room with an enormous dirt wall and a very creepy-looking Solrock inlaid in the floor.

"Well, I bet you have to wake that guy up to open the door out of here," said Togetic as she nonchalantly punched out the Grovyle advancing on them without even turning around. "Now Solrocks respond to light, and there's sunlight coming in through the crack in that wall. And that wall is made out of dirt, meaning it's very vulnerable to being blown up. Think you got that?"

"Not in the slightest. Anyway, I have a better idea," Pichu replied. He walked up to the Solrock and started repeatedly punching it in the face.

"WAKE! UP! DAMN YOU! WAKE UP!"

The Solrock's eyes flew open and it instantly used its Psychic power to snap Pichu's neck.

––

"Boy, thank goodness for this plot protection, or I might actually be in trouble," an unharmed Pichu remarked some time later.

"Thank goodness for my infinite patience, or I would have killed you myself," Togetic grumbled.

Pichu continued through the temple while kicking ass and taking names until he and Togetic finally arrived at the final room before the exit. It was very long and was being held up by a bunch of pillars, but it was the other person in the room that caught the duo's attention.

Standing stoically at the far end of the room was a Pokémon that very few people had ever seen before. It looked basically like a big blue suit of armor and was gripping an enormous axe in its hands.

"Oooh, I've heard of this guy," said Togetic as they walked up to it, looking intrigued. "It's called Goruugu."

Pichu looked unimpressed. "'Goruugu'?" That sounds like the noise I make when I'm hung over! This guy's name is funny, let's kill him!"

He promptly walked up to the motionless Pokémon and stabbed it in the crotch with his Leaf Blade, only to have it instantly come to life and smash him into the ground with a mighty roar.

"Okay, maybe in retrospect I should have planned this better – **AAAAAAAAHHHHH!**" Pichu shrieked as the Goruugu started slowly but surely chasing him around the room, swinging its axe wildly around.

"Pichu, stop running in circles like an idiot and hide!" Togetic snapped at him.

"Right, right! Got it!" Pichu agreed, promptly hiding behind one of the many pillars in the room. "Haha! Now he can't see me! I'm invincible!"

The Goruugu swung its axe at the pillar and utterly obliterated it, leaving Pichu completely exposed.

Pichu's eye twitched. "SCREW YOU AND YOUR USELESS ADVICE, TOGETIC!"

The electric rodent's mind raced furiously as the axe-wielding suit of armor advanced on him. "Okay, if this jerkass gets a weapon, so do I!"

He looked frantically around for something suitable and grabbed the first thing he saw, which happened to be Togetic.

"WHAT? NO NO NO! PUT ME DOWN!"

"SHUT UP AND BE USEFUL!" Pichu shouted as he jumped on the Goruugu's back and started bashing Togetic against it. For some ridiculous reason, this actually caused its armor to start to fall off, leaving it vulnerable.

"Ha ha! YES!"

Without its armor weighing it down, the Goruugu came charging at him at twice its normal speed.

"…I mean, NO!"

As the Goruugu swung its axe right at him, Pichu thought quickly and grabbed Togetic again, parrying the blow at the last second.

"THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED ON FOR!" Togetic shrieked.

"SHUT UP AND LET ME CONCENTRATE WOMAN!" Pichu shouted as he engaged in an awesome and superbly choreographed fencing match against the Goruugu. They leapt skillfully back and forth between the pillars, clashing weapons again and again.

"HA HA! This is awesome! I am so cool it's scary! This guy should just give up while he – "

The Goruugu swung its axe and knocked Togetic clear out of Pichu's hands. He stood blinking in surprise for a moment before reacting.

"…Okay, time for Plan B. YEEAAAAAAAUUGHHHH!" he screamed, fleeing in terror. His pursuer chased after him, but then Pichu made a hard left and ducked behind a pillar at the last instant. The Goruugu was too late to stop itself and kept charging forward, finally crashing through the wall and plummeting to its death far below.

Pichu grinned triumphantly. "Ha! That was easy, wasn't it T-money?"

"As soon as the feeling comes back in my body, I will rip off each of your limbs individually," Togetic muttered from facedown on the floor.

Pichu sweatdropped. "Uh, right. I'll just go on by myself," he decided, quickly walking through the door that led outside.

He would rue that decision for the rest of his life.

"Hoo hoot! Over here, Pichu!"

Pichu instantly seized up as he was gripped with a feeling of icy terror unlike anything he had ever felt. "No… it can't be…"

"What's up, Pichu? Surprised to see me?" asked Noctowl, who was perched on a rocky ledge and looking very smug.

Pichu lost it. "**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**" he shrieked insanely, charging at Noctowl and pummeling the crap out of him. "**YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD, YOU DUMBSH#T!**"

"True, but thankfully I made a demonic pact with the powers of darkness and returned as an unkillable zombie," Noctowl explained. "Now don't you want to hear my last advice?"

"Here's an idea. Why don't I give _you_ some advice? _**GO DIE IN A HOLE!**_"

"Pichu, what's going on out here?" asked Togetic as she flew out after him. She immediately noticed Noctowl standing in front of them and froze, looking strangely calm. "Ah. I see. Excuse me a moment."

She flew back in the room, then momentarily reemerged with the Goruugu's axe and sliced Noctowl's head clean off. She then did several other things that probably don't need to be described in detail.

"At last, the world is rid of his presence. I already feel a great shadow being lifted from this land," she said serenely once it was all over.

"But he said he was unkillable," Pichu said in confusion.

"Don't be silly. When I'm pissed off enough, _nothing's _unkillable."

Deciding not to argue, Pichu quickly dashed over to the large treasure chest that was sitting on the ledge, then opened it and pulled out the item they'd been searching for all this time.

"Da-na-na-naaaaaaaaa! I got the HM!" he sang, holding said HM aloft.

Togetic glared threateningly at him. "Don't _ever _do that again."

"Sorry."

Before he could celebrate any further, though, he suddenly heard a familiar voice.

"EEEEEEEEEEK! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU SINS AGAINST NATURE!"

Pichu and Togetic whipped around in the direction of the scream, gazing down at the ground in front of the temple entrance. They were shocked to see Espeon thrashing around as she was being sucked into the sand, and they were equally surprised to see two dragons, one red and one blue, circling over her head and cackling evilly.

"Pichu! These two Pokémon are using black magic on me! DON'T JUST STAND THERE, DO SOMETHING!" Espeon cried as she saw Pichu looking down at her.

"You got it!" said Pichu, quickly diving into the empty treasure chest and hiding.

"**I MEANT SOMETHING USEFUL YOU DOLT!**" Espeon screeched, but she could say no more before her head was sucked under and she completely vanished.

Togetic watched this in alarm, then angrily pulled Pichu out of the chest. "Pichu, are you happy now? She just got captured by those guys because you didn't help her!"

"Don't worry, it was all part of my master plan," Pichu lied unconvincingly. "Now let's get out of here before they see us."

"Pichu, they're staring directly up at us."

"…Well, shoot."

"Who are those two, Latios?" asked the red one.

"I don't know, Latias," replied the blue one. "But they're trespassing in our temple. We must punish them for this transgression."

"Hooray! I love damaging people's internal organs!" Latias cheered as both dragons started flying up to where Pichu was standing.

"I don't get it! I'm not moving! Why can they see me?" cried Pichu.

"Pichu, you're thinking of dinosaurs," Togetic snapped at him.

"All right, screw it!" Pichu screamed, lobbing a volley of Egg Bombs at the two approaching dragons. Unfortunately his aim was off and he effectively blew up half of the temple in his attempt to escape. He and Togetic were hurled off the ledge in the ensuing explosion and plummeted to the ground, and as the shocked dragons were engulfed in smoke and fire, the dynamic duo quickly ran for their lives.

"Next time, do you think you could escape a little _less _subtly?" Togetic shouted sarcastically at him as they ran.

"I don't know, I think I outdid myself that time."

––

**A/N: **Yes, I was a cheating bastard and threw in a Gen V Pokémon. It just fit so well.


	34. Mighty Fighting Robot Action

**A/N: **Well guys, I just wanted to thank you all for the overwhelming amount of support this story has been getting lately. (I just passed the 100 favorites mark!) I'm sorry if I haven't been updating as often as I should. But on the bright side, I worked really hard on this chapter and I'm pretty proud of it.

––

"Wait. Let me get this straight," Gardevoir said very sternly. "Espeon has been captured and somebody _blew up half the Spirit Temple?_"

"Something like that, yeah," Pichu said nonchalantly.

"That son of a b#tch!" Medicham raged. "I say we take back our leader and destroy the bastard responsible for defacing our precious temple!" The other Psychics all roared in furious agreement.

"YEAH! Let's kill that bastard!" Pichu cheered obliviously and fistpumped. Togetic shook her head and dragged him away.

"Well, at least they're going to do all the hard work for us," she remarked as the Psychics all charged out of the fortress and headed toward the Spirit Temple.

"Yeah! Can you imagine if we'd done something stupid like going forward in time and trying to rescue Espeon all by ourselves, without even asking all these readily-available Psychic-types for help?" Pichu laughed. "Come on, let's follow them! I want to watch the action!"

––

"Well, this isn't working out like I'd hoped."

"YOU ASSHOLE! YOU DIDN'T TELL US THEY HAD SAND! HOWARE WE SUPPOSED TO CONQUER THAT?" Gardevoir shrieked as she and the other Psychic-types were all sucked underneath the sand by the two evil dragons.

"They aren't very bright, are they, Latios?" asked Latias.

"No they aren't, Latias," Latios replied.

Pichu turned to Togetic. "…Okay, new plan. Let's go forward in time and try to rescue Espeon all by ourselves."

"Truly we've reached a new low," Togetic grumbled.

––

So Pichu returned to the Temple of Time and withdrew the Light Ball, warping seven years into the future yet again. As he obviously couldn't remember how to get back to the temple and couldn't remember the Requiem of Spirit either, he ended up getting directions from a drunken Swalot hobo.

"Y'know, these beans from a can are pretty good," he told Togetic as he stuck a fork in the can. "Hey, look, T-money! We're here!"

They were standing on the island in the middle of Lake Hylia. "I don't think that guy gave us the right directions," said Togetic.

"How did we even get across the lake without realizing it?" Pikachu wondered.

Pikachu eventually found the way back to the temple, but first he went back to the Swalot and stabbed him with the fork out of vengeance, angrily screaming about how valuable his time was.

"That's the last time I ever take directions from a hobo," he pouted as they entered the Desert Colossus.

"And if you take one thing away from this adventure, let that be it," said Togetic.

Before Pikachu entered the temple again, he noticed something he hadn't before; a Great Fairy Fountain set into the stone wall outside the oasis. This caused Togetic to have a twitching fit and curl up into a fetal position, so Pikachu just went in by himself.

"Welcome, Pikachu! I am here to teach you a new ability that will enhance your fighting prowess!" cried the scantily clad Togekiss once Pikachu had summoned her with Eevee's Lullaby. Luckily, he was protecting himself from the visual trauma by wearing a blindfold.

"Yeah, that's great. Gimme gimme gimme," he said, unaware that he was facing a wall. The Togekiss obligingly caused a glowing blue aura to form around Pikachu, momentarily lifting him off his feet.

"Congratulations! You have now learned the move Light Screen!" she said once she'd finished. "When you use this move, all damage against you will be completely negated!"

Pikachu blinked and frowned. "What? You mean I'll be invincible? But that's no challenge at all! That's a complete hax!"

"Are you complaining about my generous gift to you?"

"YES!"

The Togekiss promptly hurled Pikachu out of the room and back out into the desert. "Well, that was productive," he said proudly, dusting himself off.

––

Upon re-entering the temple, Pikachu was able to use the ill-gotten power of his Strength HM to push a giant stone block out of the way and open up a new area he hadn't explored before. As he started looking around, one of the first rooms he came across had a bunch of enormous boulders rolling and forth, up and down the walls.

"Holy Raikou… those boulders keep moving back and forth without stopping!" Togetic realized. "You know what this means, Pikachu? The Psychic-types must have discovered some form of entropy-free perpetual motion! This is absolutely incredible!"

"Those bastards! I'll teach them to mess with the laws of physics!" Pikachu snarled, completely missing the point. He charged at one of the boulders to confront it, which went about as well as expected.

A little while later, they came across another room that had a floating Lucario mummy blocking their way.

"Okay, I know what to do this time!" Pikachu said determinedly. "When I punch myself in the face, he punches me too. So if I punch _him _in the face, he'll have to punch himself too!"

"Pikachu, I don't think that's how it works…"

"HIYAAAA!" Pikachu shouted, throwing a punch at the Lucario. It responded by grabbing his fist out of the air and painfully twisting his arm around behind his back.

"**YEEAAUGHH! WHY, WHY WAS I PROGRAMMED TO FEEL PAIN?**" Pikachu howled nonsensically as Togetic shook her head, grabbed the Goruugu's axe and sliced the Lucario's head off.

Pikachu blinked. "Huh? You're still carrying that thing around?"

"Dude, it's a huge freaking _axe_. You really need to ask that question?"

––

After exploring a little more, they came across a familiar-looking room that contained yet another Goruugu holding an enormous axe.

"Oh, great… not this again," Pikachu complained. "T-money, what's this guy's weakness again?"

"Well it's _not _being kicked in the shin, like you just did to it."

"Huh?"

The Goruugu roared to life, gripping its axe and swinging it directly at Pikachu. He shrieked and scrambled out of the way.

"Out of the way, fatty! Leave this one to _me!_" Togetic declared, grabbing her own axe and grinning with murderous bloodlust. "YEEEEAAAAUUUGGGHHH!" she bellowed, hurling herself at the Goruugu. What followed was a battle so spectacular that it cannot be detailed here for fear that it would destroy your puny minds.

"Uh, okay then," said Pikachu, nonchalantly walking out the door that led outside, where another treasure chest was waiting for him. He immediately pried it open and found some sort of shield-like object inside.

"Da-na-na-naaaaaaa! I got… wait, what the hell is this thing, anyway?"

"It's a Mirror Coat, Pikachu. It deflects light and elemental attacks," said Togetic, flying triumphantly out the door while holding her axe and covered in someone else's blood. But then Goruugus don't have blood, so that was sort of a mystery.

–––

Further on in the temple, Pikachu was confronted with the infamous "Wall of Death", which contained sliding portions and lethal-looking spike traps on either side.

"Oh man, this looks impossible," he fretted. "What do I do?"

Togetic took her axe and smashed the entire structure to pieces. "Problem solved. Whoever built this place didn't plan ahead very well."

The last room they had to contend with before facing the boss was some sort of enormous puzzle involving sunlight and a whole bunch of mirrors. Pikachu's head started hurting just from looking at it.

"Man, I don't _want _to do this!" he complained. "Can't we just go kill somebody already? That's the only reason I came here!"

"Hey, you!" said Togetic, grabbing the Grovyle who'd been trying to sneak up on them. "Do this puzzle for us, right now! We're in a hurry!"

The Grovyle just snorted. "Oh yeah? What if I don't?"

Togetic grew a very wicked grin.

"I'll have Pikachu sing for you," she said threateningly. "Hit it, Pikachu."

"YAY!" he cheered, whipping out his shutter shades again. "She had dumps like a truck truck truck! Thighs like what what what! All night long… let me see that thong! That thong-thong-thong-thong-thong!"

"**THERE IS NO GOD!**" the Grovyle shrieked in agony, running away and crashing directly through the wall.

"Well, that plan backfired," Togetic noted.

So with some trial and error they eventually figured the puzzle out for themselves, reflecting the sunlight from the ceiling off a bunch of mirrors and onto another Solrock in the wall. This caused the huge platform they were standing on to lower through the floor, leading right up to the door where they would confront the boss.

––

On the other side, Pikachu and Togetic found themselves in another red carpeted room, and were very displeased to find the two sinister dragons waiting for them.

"Hmm… looks like someone's here, Latios," remarked Latias.

"Looks like it," agreed Latios. "They certainly have a lot of cheek to try and stop us like this, don't they, Latias?"

"They certainly do, Latios."

"STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!" Pikachu screamed in annoyance.

"We'll have to punish them, Latias," said Latios. Both dragons suddenly floated off to either side of the room, revealing an enormous _shiny _Goruugu standing behind them. "Oh, loyal minion… destroy this intruder on our behalf!"

The Goruugu slowly stirred, turning to glare at the now very frightened Pikachu. It roared loudly, preparing to brandish its axe – only to pause and blink when it realized it wasn't even holding one.

Togetic mirthfully burst out laughing. "BWA HA HA! You forgot to give it a _weapon? _This is so going on Failblog!"

The Goruugu immediately pounded Togetic into the floor with its fist, then grabbed the axe out of her hands.

"NOOOOOO! MY BABY!" Togetic wailed as the Goruugu turned its attention to Pikachu. "Uh… wait a sec, Pikachu! Something's not right here! That's not an ordinary enemy!"

"Well, duh! It's huge and _shiny!_" Pikachu snapped at her. "Don't worry, I can take care of this guy no problem!"

The Goruugu sliced Pikachu directly across the stomach, causing most of his internal organs to spill out.

Pikachu looked down and blinked slowly. "This might be an issue."

The Goruugu bellowed again and charged at him. Pikachu shrieked, frantically ducking and weaving as it swung its axe again and again.

"Uh, Pikachu, this might be a good time to bust out that Light Screen move," Togetic called from a safe vantage point.

"Huh? Oh, right!" Pikachu stopped running and raised up his arms. "HAX POWER ACTIVATE!"

All of a sudden, a brilliant wall of light materialized around Pikachu, surrounding him on all sides. The Goruugu roared in fury and attempted to slice him up, but he didn't take the slightest damage.

"_What the hell? _You stupid game breaker!" Latios shouted.

"MWA HA HA! YES! Fear me and my completely unjust advantage!" Pikachu laughed fearlessly, throwing himself at the Goruugu and furiously gnawing on it. For some stupid reason, this actually caused some of its armor to fall off.

"Ugh… Pichu?" came a muffled voice from inside the metallic monster. "Wait… stop attacking! It's me!"

"Yeah right!" Pikachu scoffed, repeatedly punching the Goruugu in the face. "I know all about your little trick, impersonating people's friends and guilt tripping them into letting their guard down! Your type does that all the time!"

Togetic frowned. "No they don't."

Pikachu looked confused. "They don't?"

Suddenly, the Goruugu had sustained one blow too many and began to completely fall apart. Pikachu jumped back in surprise as the pieces of metal fell off one by one. Finally it was just a scrap heap, leaving nothing but the badly beaten Pokémon who had been inside of it…

"_Espeon?_" Togetic gawked in shock. "What's going on here?"

"Ohh… where _am _I?" Espeon groaned, trying to struggle to her feet. "Oh, my head… I must be _really _hung over…"

"Well, well… looks like she's back to normal, Latios," Latias observed.

"You obviously didn't brainwash her hard enough, Latias."

"Come over here and say that, Latios."

Espeon suddenly turned to face the dragons and her eyes bulged. "Oh sweet Raikou, _not you two again! _I've had to put up with your petty arguing for _seven years! _I'm about ready to kill myself!"

"Oh, shut up you," said Latios. "Just be a good girl and get over here so we can brainwash you again."

"**NO! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!**" Espeon shrieked, making a mad dash for the door. She made about three steps before the dragons suddenly hurled twin balls of light at her, which slammed into her and caused her to vanish into thin air.

"That was somewhat pathetic," said Togetic.

"HEY! You let her go!" Pikachu snapped at Latios and Latias. "She's our friend! …Uh, I think. Actually, she hasn't really done much for us… uh… why were we trying to save her again?"

"Well when you're done figuring that out, we'll be in the next room waiting to fight you," said Latias. She and Latios started glowing, and with a flash and an evil laugh, they too were gone.


	35. Draconic Dumbassery

Everything was silent and empty inside the Boss Chamber. Neither Pikachu nor the two dragons were anywhere to be seen. Finally, after about fifteen minutes of this emptiness, the door leading into the room abruptly crashed into the wall as the yellow rodent kicked it open and strode inside.

"_Okay!_ I figured out why we have to save Espeon! It's because… hey, where are you guys? I'm talkin' to you b#tches!"

"You're never going to figure out how to enter a room normally, are you?" Togetic sighed.

Looking around in confusion for the dragons, Pikachu finally climbed up on one of the big platforms rising up out of the floor, only to freeze as an evil laugh suddenly filled the air.

"Look at that stupid kid! He came on his own to offer himself as a sacrifice to the great Mewtwo!"

Pikachu looked alarmed. "What? No I didn't! Who said that? LET ME OUT OF HERE!" he shrieked, about to run straight off the platform before Togetic hauled him back.

Suddenly two glowing portals, one red and one blue, appeared on either side of Pikachu. He whimpered nervously as the two dragons rose out of the floor, each one surrounded by their sinister elemental energy.

"With my flame, I will burn him to the bone!" Latias cackled.

"With my frost, I will freeze him to his soul!" Latios added.

Pikachu's eye started twitching. "T-money, I'm freaking out a little here."

"Oh please, Latias is totally bluffing. I know for a fact these guys can't use Fire attacks, so – "

Latias used Flamethrower! Togetic was burned (literally and figuratively)!

"_FINE! KEEP PROVING ME WRONG, UNIVERSE!_" she screamed.

"Hey kid! Tell your annoying harlot to shut up so we can kill you!" said Latios as he and Latias both began circling around Pikachu. The blue dragon began firing Ice Beams at him while the red one started blasting Flamethrowers.

"TOGETIC, WHAT DO I DO?" Pikachu screamed, running around in circles rather than ducking out of the way.

Togetic rolled her eyes. "Let's think about that, Pikachu. Every time you fight a boss you have to use the weapon you most recently got. So what weapon did you just get?"

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER THAT?" Pikachu demanded. He started panicking and pulled out a Razor Leaf, only for Latias to set it on fire in his hands. "NOOOOOOO! You sons of b#tches!"

"Ha ha! You fool!" Latios snickered. "The only way you can defeat us is by deflecting one of our attacks on to the other person! And how are you ever going to figure _that_ out? It's not like we're going to just tell you or anything!"

"…You're an idiot, Latios."

"…Yeah, I know. Quick, set him on fire before he does anything!"

Latias immediately fired a Flamethrower at Pikachu, but somehow what Latios had said registered in his brain and he quickly held up his Mirror Coat, deflecting the attack right onto Latios.

"OWWW! Latias, I thought you loved meeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Okay, now you two are pissing _me _off," said Togetic, flying up to them and repeatedly banging their heads together. "STOP! BEING! ANNOYING! RIGHT! NOW!"

"Yay! I love having a sidekick who does all the work for me!" Pikachu cheered, cracking open a can of beer and taking a swig.

Now the dragons were getting annoyed. "All right, that's _it!_" Latios bellowed, hitting Togetic with an Ice Beam and turning to Pikachu. "Now we're really gonna school you! You asked for it!"

Pikachu started freaking out. "**NO! NO I DIDN'T! STOP DOING WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING**!" he shrieked as both dragons began glowing dangerously.

"Latios and Latias's Double Dynamite Attack!" they shouted in unison – and then, to the utter mind rape of Pikachu and Togetic, they somehow fused together.

Hovering over the duo was an enormous purple Lati, who shall be known as Twinrova for unimportant reasons. It grinned evilly at Pikachu and gave him a wink.

Pikachu's eyes bulged. "What the heck is _that _thing?"

"More importantly, what _gender _is it?" Togetic gawked.

"MWA HA HA!" Twinrova cackled. "You can't figure out if I'm male or female! That means you can't beat me!"

Pikachu frowned in confusion. "Wait, what?"

Taking advantage of his confusion, Twinrova blasted an Ice Beam at Pikachu, who threw up his Mirror Coat in the nick of time. It completely absorbed the icy blast and for some reason began flashing blue.

"Crap! That didn't work!" Twinrova swore. "But I'm going to do the exact same thing again for some reason!"

Pikachu shrieked in panic and hid behind his Mirror Coat as Twinrova continued pelting him with Ice Beams. Finally its glowing reached a critical point and without warning, it spewed the icy blast right back at Twinrova, hitting it dead on.

"AAACK! THAT WAS INCREDIBLY UNPLEASANT!" it shrieked, falling to the ground.

"Next time, maybe you shouldn't use an attack you're weak against when it's been established that your opponent can _deflect your attack back at you_," Togetic reminded it.

"Good advice," said Twinrova, instantly setting Togetic on fire.

"**THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!**" she screamed in agony, flying around in flames.

"Okay, I've had enough of this!" Pikachu snapped, pulling out Heatran's Sword. "Time to die, you gender-confused freak of nature! **KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!**"

He hurled himself into the air and drove his sword down into the dragon, impaling it. Twinrova let out a horrible cry of pain and began writhing in midair for a moment before alighting back on the platform. Much to the relief of Pikachu and Togetic, it split back into Latios and Latias, who both looked very badly beaten up.

"Ha ha! Had enough yet?" Pikachu crowed.

"Damn, this kid's a pain in the ass!" Latios grumbled. "Okay Latias, I think we should go with the original plan and use our Psychic powers to turn him inside out."

Pikachu blanched. "Help."

"Okay, but you're cleaning up afterwards," Latias replied. "Hey Latios, what's that above your head?"

"Huh?" Latios looked up and saw that a bright glowing halo had suddenly appeared right above his head. "I don't know Latias, but you've got one too!"

Latias looked pissed off. "What the hell? I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS!" she bellowed, pulling out a shotgun and firing at the halo on Latios's head. Unfortunately it didn't do anything, and the next thing the dragons knew, they were slowly ascending into the air in a beam of light.

"NOOOOO! But I'm only four hundred years old!" Latios wailed.

Latias glared at him. "Latios, you're _twenty-six._"

"Oh, right… DAMMIT, THAT'S EVEN WORSE!"

"_We'll come back to haunt you… somehow… I think!_" Latias cried, and that was the last the mortal world ever saw of them as they vanished into the light.

Pikachu and Togetic were both too stunned to speak for a moment. Finally Togetic turned to Pikachu and said, "Hey Pikachu… did you find it a little strange that they seemed to be going to _heaven?_"

Pikachu's eyes widened. "Dude… you're right!" he realized. "What does that mean? Could it be that they were the heroes and I am the villain? Has all my rampant killing and fighting come at the price of my morality? Could it be that my true enemy… is _myself?_"

The thought immediately made him curl up and start sucking his thumb, so Togetic just rolled her eyes and kicked him into the Shining Blue Portal before he damaged his brain with any more philosophical thinking.

––

Just like always, Pikachu and Togetic were teleported into the Chamber of Sages, this time facing the orange platform across from them. Just as they arrived, it began to glow and Espeon appeared on top of it. Betcha didn't see that one coming!

"What is that b#tchmobile doing in here?" Togetic wondered.

"Oh, it's you, Pikachu," said Espeon, looking pleased. "Well, I should thank you for… well, actually you didn't really do much for me besides give me a concussion, but I digress. Anyway, turns out I'm the Sage of Spirit."

Togetic looked annoyed. "Seriously? Why the heck do you get to be a Sage? You didn't even do anything except get brainwashed and turned into a giant robot!"

"Which was pretty awesome," Pikachu admitted.

"_Exactly! _I'd like to see you do something that awesome, so shove it!" Espeon snapped. "Now then... Pikachu, the Hero of Time! Instead of keeping the promise I made back then, I'm giving you this doohickey!"

"What? Dammit, I'm never gonna get some, am I?" Pikachu griped as Espeon raised up her arms, causing a pink medallion to materialize over his head in a flash.

_Pikachu received the Mind Plate! Espeon adds her power to Pikachu's, though I think there's a little something else she'd rather give him instead, if ya know what I mean!_

"_If only I knew you'd grow into such a handsome man, I would've taken you right then and there… dammit, I really need to stop saying these things out loud…"_

––

Pikachu was expecting to be teleported out of the Chamber of Sages after that, but to his surprise, he was surrounded by a white glow and the familiar figure of Jolteon suddenly appeared in front of him.

"Hey, it's you!" said Pikachu. "That completely useless guy who I've literally only seen once before now! How's it hangin'?"

"I'm going to ignore that comment," Jolteon replied. "You've done very well, Pikachu. You have successfully awakened all the Sages. Your quest is nearly complete. All that remains now is for you to confront Mewtwo."

"Damn straight. So now what am I supposed to do?"

"…To be honest, I'm not sure. Frankly, I was expecting you to die a long time ago. I don't know, why don't you just go to the Temple of Time or something. That seems like an important place where something plot-relevant is bound to happen."

Togetic frowned at him. "The hell kind of Sage are you?"

Jolteon blasted Togetic with a Thunderbolt, frying her internal organs. "The one who just did that," he said simply before transporting her and Pikachu away.

––

**A/N: **Well, you know what happens next time, folks. Get excited. :)


	36. Shit Just Got Real

**A/N: **And here it is, the final arc of this story. Thanks for sticking around, everyone. I'm going to try and give this the awesomest ending possible.

––

Pikachu's footsteps echoed throughout the room as he cautiously stepped into the Temple of Time. He was getting very nervous, and the eerie chanting in the background music wasn't doing much to calm him down.

"Man, I can't believe we really have to fight Mewtwo. I thought this day would never come," Togetic sighed. I'll be frank, I'm not too optimistic."

"Aw, c'mon, T-money! I'm the Hero of Time! We _have _to win!" Pikachu assured her, turning to look at her and promptly crashing into a wall as a result.

"It's official. We're gonna die. This is the worst day ever."

"I've been waiting for you, Pikachu," came a voice from behind them. They turned around to find Absol standing in front of the temple entrance.

"HOLY CRAP! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!" Togetic shrieked in joy, zooming over to him only to violently jerk to a stop as she strangled herself on the collar around her neck.

"Sorry man. I thought she might do that, so I put a leash on her," Pikachu said to Absol.

"I'm still trying to figure out how you got that on me without me realizing it," Togetic grumbled.

"…Right," said Absol, who would have been more weirded out by this scene if he didn't already know Pikachu and Togetic very well. "Now then, Pikachu, I'm sure you realize that your final showdown with Mewtwo is about to begin. I can't stress how important this is, and although it's probably beyond your brain capacity I need you to take it seriously."

"The hell, man? I'm completely serious!" Pikachu fumed as he scratched his butt and belched loudly.

"…But before you go off to fight him, there are some things that I need to tell you and only you."

"WHAT ABOUT ME? CAN YOU TELL THEM TO ME?" Togetic cried frantically, jumping up and down and flailing her arms while Pikachu spaced out and picked his nose.

Absol's eye twitched. "**BOTH OF YOU, STOP BEING IDIOTS RIGHT NOW! WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS MY UNDYING HATRED OF BOTH OF YOU!**"

Togetic frowned. "That's mean."

"Oh, he's joking. Everybody loves us! Even that angry mob that chased us over here!"

"If I can get on with my story?" asked the extremely weary and long-suffering Absol. "Now Pikachu, the first thing you must know is that Mewtwo does not have the entire Triforce. Part of the legend states that if a person whose heart is out of balance lays their hands on the Triforce, it will split into three parts representing Courage, Wisdom and Power. Mewtwo only received the Triforce of Power, which represents the force he believes in the most. Maybe you should write this down, Pikachu."

"Yeah, yeah." Pikachu was quickly scribbling stuff down on a notepad. "So the most sacred and powerful relic that forms the entire backbone of our very religion and existence got shattered by somebody touching it. That makes no sense at all, but literally nothing else in this world does either."

"And there's something else," Absol went on. "When the Triforce was broken, the two remaining pieces, Wisdom and Courage, also went to the two people who best embody those traits. Mewtwo cannot hope to obtain true power unless he finds those two people."

Pikachu perked up. "Ooh, really? I bet I got the Triforce of Wisdom, didn't I?"

Togetic promptly went looking for a body of water to drown herself in.

"No, Pikachu. But unfortunately, you _did _receive the Triforce of Courage. Not because you're brave, but because giving you the Triforce of Wisdom would have created a world-destroying paradox akin to dividing by zero."

"Ah."

"And of course, the bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom," said Absol, "is the seventh Sage, who is destined to be the leader of them all…"

Suddenly, Absol held out his front paw, and a bright glowing Triforce symbol appeared on the back of it. Pikachu and Togetic stared at it awe (Pikachu was mainly entranced by the shininess), when suddenly the glow became blinding and a brilliant flash lit up the room.

When the light died down, Pikachu and Togetic opened their eyes… which promptly bulged out of their heads.

Standing in Absol's place was a very familiar small brown Pokémon. She was seven years older and fully grown, but there was no mistaking who it was.

"It is I, Eevee, the princess of Hyrule."

There was an extremely heavy, tension-filled silence. Pikachu glanced over at Togetic and saw the look on her face, then got nervous and quickly sidestepped away from her.

Eevee noticed this as well and sighed. "Hoo boy…"

"**_YYYYYAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH__!_**" Togetic screamed. She ripped off her collar, threw herself at Eevee and tackled her to the ground, then grabbed her by the head and started repeatedly bashing it into the floor.

"**YOU STUPID B#TCH! ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT YOU WERE A SEXY HUNK OF MAN AND NOW YOU TELL ME IT WAS ALL A LIE? I'M GOING TO ****#*?&****ING KILL YOU AND THEN RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT AND USE THEM TO PLAY TABLE TENNIS!**"

"T-money, don't! You can't beat up a princess! We'll get sued!" Pikachu cried, running over and prying her off of Eevee. She lay curled up on the ground while screaming incoherently and foaming at the mouth while Eevee reluctantly got back up.

"Well, she took it much better than I thought she would. Pikachu, I'm sorry I had to deceive you all this time, but it was the only way to avoid being captured by Mewtwo."

"But he's Psychic. Don't you think he'd be able to see past a plain old disguise like that?"

"Shut up. Now Pikachu, you remember that day seven years ago when Mewtwo attacked Hyrule Castle. I remember seeing you there as I fled with my attendant, and I entrusted the Pokéflute of Time to you. I'm not really sure why anymore, probably because I had been sniffing paint earlier that day."

"I love doing that!" Pikachu said cheerfully.

"I'm sure you do. But the point is, our efforts were in vain and Mewtwo was able to follow you into the Sacred Realm. He obtained the Triforce of Power and became the great evil king, and he won't stop until he has pried the two remaining Triforces from our cold dead hands."

Pikachu said nothing.

"That's a bad thing."

Pikachu blanched. "Crap."

"But that's not going to happen, because you and I are going to defeat him, Pikachu. You go and do whatever it is that's gotten you this far without dying horribly, and then the six Sages and I will banish Mewtwo back into the Sacred Realm forever. This is an incredibly difficult spell that requires the blood of a hundred virgin sacrifices under the full moon, so please don't screw things up."

"Well, I can't make any promises, but…"

"In order to penetrate Mewtwo's defenses, you'll need this," Eevee concluded, causing Pikachu to snicker at the word "penetrate". "It's the TM for Thunder, the most powerful Electric attack of all. With this combined with the Light Ball, you should be able to bring him down."

Eevee then lifted up her arms, and in an unnecessarily flashy glowy sequence, the TM appeared in the air over their heads and floated down to Pikachu.

"Dude! This is so awesome!" he cheered as he grabbed it. "I'll be an unstoppable killing machine now! I'm going to cause so much completely pointless destruction!"

"Yes, I know, which is why giving that to you goes against every fiber of my judgment. But we should still be all right, just so long as Mewtwo hasn't been listening in on us this entire time."

"_Mwa ha ha ha haaaaaa!_" came a disembodied laugh that belonged to Mewtwo.

Pikachu stiffened. "That disembodied laugh belongs to Mewtwo!" he gasped, making the previous statement redundant.

"No… it can't be…" Eevee muttered as the entire Temple of Time began to rumble dangerously. She gasped and screamed as a bright pink crystal prison suddenly materialized all around her, trapping her inside.

"Hey, that thing looks like a Rupee! I want it!" said Pikachu, running up to the crystal and gnawing on it.

"Well well, Princess… I commend you for avoiding my pursuit for seven long years," came Mewtwo's voice. "But you let your guard down… plus you put your trust in this dumb kid, which is the most fatal mistake that could possibly be made! Now the power of the Triforce of Wisdom will be mine!"

It was at that very moment that Togetic decided to snap out of it. "OH NO YOU DON'T!" she shouted, jerking her head up. "YOU CAN'T KILL HER BECAUSE _I'M _GOING TO KILL HER!"

She flew at the crystal and started pounding on it while shrieking maniacally, but it didn't do a thing. Suddenly the crystal began floating up into the air, taking the terrified Eevee with it and leaving Pikachu and Togetic to watch helplessly.

"If you want to rescue Eevee, come to my castle!" said Mewtwo, and Eevee and the crystal vanished into thin air as he let out a wicked laugh.

––

Knowing he had no other choice, Pikachu raced out of the Temple of Time and over to Mewtwo's Castle as fast as he could. It was situated in the same place Hyrule Castle used to be, but this one was huge and dark with a towering spire in the middle, and it was sitting on a land mass that was floating above a lake of lava. This was never given any explanation.

"Okay T-money, this is it! We gotta rescue Eevee and defeat Mewtwo once and for all! Now let's storm that castle and bust some heads!"

"I'd love to, Pikachu, but we can't get in the castle. There's no way to cross over that lake of lava."

"Really? Okay, I give up. Let's go home."

"Pikachu… can you hear me? It's Jolteon, the Sage!" echoed a familiar voice in the air. "The six of us will combine our power to form a bridge over to the castle. Once you're inside, though, it's up to you to destroy the six evil barriers blocking the way to the castle keep."

Togetic frowned. "Seriously? If you guys can create matter out of thin air, why are you making Pikachu do all the work?"

"For the narrative drama, mostly," Jolteon replied as a bunch of multicolored sparkles suddenly began floating down from the air. Pikachu jumped back in surprise as they coalesced to form a huge bridge spanning the gap across the lava bed, leading directly into Mewtwo's Castle.

Pikachu didn't look pleased. "Excuse me, but why is this bridge all sparkly and rainbow-colored? I demand a MANLY bridge!"

"Shut the hell up, Pikachu. Now get in there or we'll drop a second bridge on top of you."

"Okay, good incentive," Pikachu decided, quickly charging across the bridge. "C'mon Togetic, let's go rescue Eevee!"

"Yes, I agree! We have to save her so I can painfully kill and eviscerate her later! _Nobody _plays with my heart like that!"

"T-money, I'm pretty sure she wasn't playing with your heart all. In fact, she was pushing you away the whole time, and now we know why."

"That's enough out of you, fatty!" Togetic snapped, kicking him off the bridge.

––

**A/N: **Sorry to everybody who was expecting Eevee to be a Glaceon. I thought it wouldn't make much sense for her to evolve into an Ice-type when Zelda's supposed to be the Sage of Time. :/


	37. The Very Unoriginal Final Dungeon

**A/N: **After that unfortunately long break, here's the longest chapter in the story by far. I guess I've got nothing to say this time, except… I hope the wait was worth it for you guys. We're almost done…

––

The interior of Mewtwo's Castle was centered around an enormous tower with a massive fanged mouth for a doorway. It was surrounded by a swirling barrier of energy that would probably vaporize Pikachu on contact.

"I'm guessing he doesn't entertain very much," Togetic decided. "Well Pikachu, that barrier is being powered by those beams coming from those six doors. I'm guessing you have to go in there and destroy them from the inside somehow."

"Any particular reason you think he decided to theme them after the six temples?" Pikachu wondered. "I mean, has he ever actually been _in _them before?"

"You're being annoyingly logical again," Togetic snapped, shoving him through the first door.

There were several Silver Rupees lying around the room, but there were also a bunch of sliding floor blades that were blocking most of them off. Pikachu tried to grab one of the Rupees with little success.

"All right, I just gotta – OW! Okay, let me try that – OW! Dammit, I just need to – OW!"

"Pikachu, I think there's probably a better way to get at those things than trying to walk through the floor blades."

"Shut up! If I keep doing the same thing over and over something different is bound to happen eventually!"

Finally Togetic lost her patience and grabbed the Rupees for him, and they went into another room that had a bunch of Solrocks sticking out of the walls.

"All right, clearly only one of these Solrocks is the one we want to light up. Be careful not to mess this up Pikachu, you'll probably get punished if you pick the wrong one."

"Oh, it can't be that bad. Just so long as it's not another Cradily."

Pikachu reflected the light from the ceiling onto one of the Solrocks, promptly causing a Cradily to drop on top of him.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" he shrieked as Togetic nonchalantly opened the door for him.

The next room was empty except for two torches and a huge orange orb of energy, surrounded by a swirling orange barrier of light.

"All right, here's where we destroy Mewtwo's barrier. Remember what to do here, Pikachu?"

"Something about penetrating, right?" he asked eagerly. Togetic smacked him and jogged his memory. "Oh, right."

Concentrating with all his might, he unleashed a mighty Thunder attack on the energy orb, completely obliterating it. At that moment, Pikachu and Togetic were surprised to see Espeon appear before him.

"Hey there, Pikachu. I'm just supposed to tell you that the Spirit Barrier is destroyed, although you just saw it for yourself and probably figured that out on your own."

"No he didn't. Trust me," said Togetic.

"Yeah, _what _just happened?" asked Pikachu, scratching his head.

––

Espeon quickly transported them back to the main room of the castle, where they saw the orange beam of light that had been feeding the barrier dissipate and vanish.

Pikachu freaked out. "Crap! Mewtwo's totally gonna kill us when he sees that! Let's run for it!"

Togetic slugged him in the stomach before he could do just that, and so he reluctantly walked through another door that was guarding one of the barriers. After lighting a bunch of torches and fending off a rabid Mightyena, he found himself in a room full of fans and more Silver Rupees.

"Great…" he sighed. "Well, maybe if I can use Magnet Rise I can get those fans to blow me over to where all the Silver Rupees are. But it's going to be really hard and require exact precision. I'd better sit down and do some calculations so I can predict the trajectory of – "

Togetic had already flown around the room and grabbed all the Silver Rupees. "Seriously, did it not even occur to Mewtwo how easy this dungeon would be for Flying-types? He's not that great at thinking ahead."

So they entered a room holding an orange energy orb similar to the first, this one surrounded by a green barrier. Pikachu quickly zapped it and destroyed it, and this time Flareon appeared before them.

"The Fire Barrier has been destroyed! Hurry up, brother!"

Togetic blinked. "Uh… no it hasn't. We just destroyed the Forest Barrier."

Flareon looked surprised. "Oh, crap. Am I in the wrong room?"

"_Yes! _Now quit ruining my big moment, numbskull!" Leafeon snapped, shoving him out of the way. "Now then… ahem! The Forest Barrier has been destroyed! Hurry up, Pikachu!"

"That was a big dramatic moment, all right," said Togetic.

––

After Leafeon teleported them back to the main room, Pikachu charged through another door and found himself looking at a largely bottomless pit with only a few floating platforms scattered around.

"Okay, now, this doesn't make _any _sense," said Togetic. "This castle can't possibly contain a bottomless pit when we very clearly saw all of its dimensions from the outside! Do physics seriously not matter at all around here?"

Pikachu arbitrarily used Sacred Fire on a nearby torch, causing a walkway leading across the room to materialize out of thin air. "That probably made even less sense," he remarked.

Halfway across the room, Pikachu found a switch on the floor and hit it, causing a chest to fall from the ceiling. He eagerly scampered over and opened it.

"Duuuuude! Check it out!" he cheered, pulling out the TM for Seismic Toss.

"Awesome. Mewtwo's leaving around random weapons for you to pick up. Guess we know why he didn't get the Triforce of Wisdom either."

After using the Silph Scope to uncover an invisible pathway leading out of the room, Pikachu entered the room containing the next energy orb. After totally frying it, it dissipated in a burst of energy and Umbreon appeared over them.

"The Shadow Barrier has been destroyed. I'd ask you to protect the princess, but you pretty much royally screwed up on that already."

"Hey Umbreon, did you know your princess is a transvestite?" Pikachu said conversationally.

"And that I'm going to kill her for it?" Togetic added.

"Yes, that's lovely. Now get going, both of you," Umbreon said wearily before transporting them away.

––

"Well, we've destroyed half the barriers already. We're making good time, so let's hurry and get to the next one," said Togetic.

Pikachu suddenly looked pained and crossed his legs. "Uh… hang on a second, I have to take a bathroom break."

Togetic looked incredulous. "You _WHAT?_"

So Pikachu ruined the dramatic tension by running out of the castle to find a rock to whiz behind, when he noticed an enormous stone slab blocking off the entrance to the Great Fairy Fountain.

"Holy crap! The Great Fairy must be trapped inside! If I can move this thing, she'll have to shower me with rewards!" He immediately scampered up to the entrance. "**HIYAAAAAAAA!**" he bellowed, using his ridiculously haxed Seismic Toss to hurl the stone slab away. It flew through the air and landed several yards away, crushing an innocent Shinx passerby.

"Well, thank you, but you know as a magical being I can just phase in and out of here whenever I want," the Togekiss informed him.

"Shut up and give me a reward, woman."

––

So Pikachu re-entered Mewtwo's Castle with a new spell that doubled his defensive power. As he entered the main room he noticed another large stone slab blocking off the entrance to another door, so he tossed it out of the way and charged inside.

"Well, there's nothing in this room," he reported. Although he was quickly proven wrong when he heard the sound of wingbeats and was instantly swarmed by a gang of invisible Zubats.

"GAAAHHHHHH! CURSE YOU, MY INVISIBLE FOE!" he shrieked, running around the room and crashing into walls as the Zubats gnawed on him. Togetic shook her head and grabbed the key from a nearby chest, opening the door to the next room.

"Just perfect," she muttered. Not only were there several other Silver Rupees, but two huge boulders rolling around and around the small room. "I guess I'd better solve this before Pikachu gets in here and messes up."

"YAAAAAAAAAH!" Pikachu screamed, running past Togetic and into the room as the invisible Zubats continued biting him. He was promptly run over by one of the boulders, and while he managed to survive, the Zubats were all instantly killed.

"Exactly as planned," he said smugly.

The next room looked identical to the ones that had held the previous orbs, but surprisingly, there was no Light Barrier to be seen.

"Uh oh… I have a feeling this room is a trap of some kind," Togetic muttered, looking cautiously around for where the barrier could possibly be hidden.

Pikachu shook his head. "Oh, well. It can't possibly be worse than that Cradily."

The very same Cradily from before promptly landed on top of him.

"GAHHHH! OKAY, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL!" he screamed as he attempted to fend off the Cradily before it strangled him to death. They ended up rolling around the floor and straight through the illusory wall at the back of the room, leading to the _actual _room where the Light Barrier was hidden. Pikachu finally pried the Cradily off of him and hurled it right at the barrier, which somehow succeeded in destroying it.

"That was incredibly humiliating to watch," said Jolteon as he appeared before them. "But the Light Barrier has been destroyed. Now please start acting more intelligent, Pikachu. You're making the Sages look bad."

"I take offense to that," Pikachu pouted.

"And I think he does too," said Togetic, pointing at the injured Cradily that was now sneaking up on Jolteon.

"What the – ARRGHHH!" Jolteon bellowed as the Cradily threw itself at him, causing both of them to fly into a violent scuffle to the death. Pikachu and Togetic ended up having to walk back by themselves.

––

The next room they entered was the one that led to the Fire Barrier. It consisted of an enormous pit of magma, a winding metal pathway, and, you guessed it, more Silver Rupees.

"Okay, seriously! This is like, the third time we've had to collect Silver Rupees! This is getting boring!"

"Yes, how dare Mewtwo design such a repetitive dungeon. He should know how to pander to your tastes better."

"Damn straight!" Pikachu agreed, marching onto the metal pathway only for it to immediately sink into the magma. "AAAAAAARGHHH!"

With Togetic's help he ended up getting four of the five Silver Rupees, and he quickly found out that the final one was hidden underneath another giant stone slab.

"All right Pikachu, I'm sure you know what you're supposed to do with this," said Togetic as Pikachu was pondering the enormous slab.

"I sure do!" he agreed. He used his mighty strength to lift it off the ground, and with a roar he Seismic Tossed it right at the exit door, smashing it completely in.

"Hmm. Not bad," Togetic decided.

The next room was the one that contained the Fire Barrier. Pikachu destroyed it with one good Thunder blast, and Flareon appeared before them yet again.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he muttered as he saw them. "The Fire Barrier has been destroyed. Unless I'm in the wrong room _again. _Don't tell me, you actually just destroyed the Light Barrier, didn't you?"

"Nope, we already did that," Pikachu replied. "Ask Jolteon, he'll tell you."

"I'M A LITTLE BUSY!" Jolteon screamed as he suddenly burst through the wall, still wrestling with the Cradily.

––

The final door that Pikachu entered led to a room that was covered in ice. There was a burning blue flame in the middle of the floor and several icicles hanging from the ceiling.

"Well, guess I'd better get that blue fire and – hey! A chest!" said Pikachu. He ran over and kicked the chest open and was promptly frozen solid.

Togetic glanced at a watch that had apparently been on her wrist the whole time. "He died three seconds after entering the room. I think that's actually a new record."

After finally getting the blue fire and using it to melt the red ice leading out of the room, they walked into an unpleasantly familiar room that contained a bunch of sliding ice blocks.

"Oh, _come on!_" Pikachu complained, grabbing his head. "I don't want to do this again!"

"Y'know, I just had a thought," said Togetic. "Couldn't you just use Seismic Toss on those things instead of pushing them around like before?"

Pikachu pondered this for a long moment before a delighted look crossed his face.

"Dude! That's a _great _idea!" he cheered. He raced over to one of the ice blocks, and with a deafening shriek, he hurled it straight at the wall and smashed right through it. This caused a chain reaction that resulted in half of Mewtwo's Castle collapsing and falling into the lava pit outside.

"That was a _terrible _idea!" Pikachu snapped at Togetic.

Finally, the duo entered the room that contained the last barrier to be destroyed. As Pikachu zapped it into oblivion, Vaporeon appeared in front of them.

"Hey Vaporeon. I know you're probably totally heartbroken and stuff, but I can't stay here with you or anything. I gotta go save the world," Pikachu greeted her.

Vaporeon glared at him. "I haven't forgotten that you tried to get Starmie to kill me, you know."

Pikachu looked disappointed. "You haven't? You stupid women and your grudges."

––

"So basically, this final dungeon was just a completely unoriginal ripoff of all the other dungeons. What a gyp," Pikachu remarked as he and Togetic were teleported to the main room for the last time.

Togetic stared at him. "Seriously? Why are you complaining about a stupid thing like that?"

"I'm good at complaining."

With that, Pikachu had successfully destroyed all six barriers blocking off the way to Mewtwo's Tower. He and Togetic whipped around in shock as the swirling barrier around the tower suddenly began to spin much more rapidly, writhing and flashing before it finally expanded out and dissipated with a deafening boom that shook the entire castle.

"…Well, if Mewtwo didn't know we were here before, he does now," Togetic remarked.

"Yup. That running away idea is starting to sound good again," Pikachu decided. He turned around and tried to make a mad dash for the exit, not seeming to notice as Togetic grabbed him by the tail and dragged him into the tower.

––

The interior of Mewtwo's Tower consisted mainly of a long, winding staircase leading up and up, occasionally interrupted with rooms guarded by enemies. Pikachu plowed his way up to the top of the tower, along the way defeating two Sceptiles, two Marowaks, two Goruugus, two insurance salesmen and two Hungarian trapeze artists. As he got closer to the top, though, an eerie light began to fill the tower and he became aware of the strains of evil-sounding organ music getting louder and louder.

Finally he and Togetic arrived at the door at the very top, leading to what they were sure was the final confrontation.

"Well… here we are," said Pikachu. "Our entire adventure has led us up to this very moment. Our final battle lies somewhere beyond this door. We should take a moment and reflect on how very far we've come in our epic quest before we walk on through and go to meet our destinies."

Togetic looked at him in shock. "Pikachu… that's surprisingly noble of you to say. I think you may have actually grown up during this adventure." She smiled. "And if that's the case, then that means this entire ordeal, no matter how painful it was for me at times, was actually worth it. I can actually say I'm proud to be your partner."

"Okay, enough reflecting. I gotta pee. Let's hurry and get this over with," Pikachu decided, hurling a completely unnecessary Egg Bomb at the door and blasting his way through.

"I hate everything," Togetic griped, following after him.

––

As the duo arrived on the other side, they gasped.

The room they had just entered was enormous. The walls were covered in stained glass windows, and a red carpet on the floor led up to a huge pipe organ. Suspended high above the organ was the pink crystal, and Eevee was still trapped inside, looking frightened.

"Pikachu? Is that you? Up here!" she called.

Togetic looked up. "YES! She's still alive! That means I can kill her!" she cheered. "PREPARE TO DIE, YOU FLUFFY WENCH!"

Pikachu grabbed her by the wing before she could go flying off. "Uh, T-money…" he said nervously, gesturing directly ahead.

Mewtwo was facing away from the two of them, pounding an appropriately dramatic tune on the organ. Oh, and I should mention that he was wearing a huge badass red cape too.

"Why in Entei's name is he just sitting there playing music?" Togetic wondered.

"For the narrative drama?" Pikachu guessed dumbly. Suddenly he noticed a bright glow and realized that the Triforce of Courage had appeared on his left hand.

"AAAACK! MY HAND IS GLOWING! KILL IT!" he shrieked in panic, repeatedly stabbing his hand with a Razor Leaf. "OW! Okay, bad idea…"

Inside her crystal prison, Eevee gasped as the Triforce of Wisdom suddenly appeared on her hand. It was then that Mewtwo finally stopped playing the organ.

"The Triforce parts are reacting to each other," he mused. "The two Triforce parts that I could not capture on that day seven years ago… I didn't expect that they would be hidden within you two! I thought the Legendary Pokémon would at least be smart enough to hide them within someone competent! No matter though, this will just make my task all the easier!"

Pikachu stood blinking for a long moment before he realized something. "Heeeeey! He just insulted the princess! That fiend!"

Eevee facepalmed. "We're gonna die," she sighed.

Mewtwo suddenly whipped around in a broad sweeping motion, revealing the glowing Triforce of Power on the back of his hand.

"These toys are too much for you!" he roared in a thunderous voice. "I command you to return them to me!"

Suddenly, a sickly wave of purple energy started emanating off of Mewtwo. Pikachu cried out as it engulfed him, and he looked up and saw Togetic was suddenly floating high up in the air, far away from him.

"Oh no, T-money!" he cried. "Are Mewtwo's evil psychic powers preventing you from getting close and helping me?"

Togetic gave him a look. "No. Are you joking? I'm staying up here where it's _safe!_"

Pikachu sweatdropped. "I hate my life."

Mewtwo let out a deep wicked laugh. Eevee and the organ inexplicably and illogically vanished, the room transformed into an arena, and the fated showdown began…


	38. Mewtwo

**A/N: **This would've been up sooner, but the site has been being stoopid, as I'm sure you noticed. (A word of advice, if you're having trouble updating, when you get the error message change the word "property" to "content" in the address bar. Worked for me!)

Also, Pikachu's first line here actually came to me in a dream. Not sure what that says about me...

––

Pikachu tried not to panic as he found himself facing down the Great King of Evil. "Uh, okay! What's my battle plan? Crap, I don't have a battle plan… oh well, maybe if I just close my eyes and run screaming at him something will happen!"

So he charged directly at Mewtwo while letting out a thunderous battle cry. Mewtwo instantly cut him off by punching the floor, causing most of it to collapse and carrying Pikachu down with it.

"What the – _YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!_"

"Woah, did he lose already? That _is _a new record," said Togetic.

Pikachu landed with a painful crash several floors below the battle arena. "Ow…" he groaned, picking himself up slowly. "Oh, hell no! I'm not getting beaten this easy! I wasted all this time getting here, and dammit, I'm beating this guy! I'M COMING FOR YOU, MEWTWO!"

Mewtwo glared down at him, getting into a battle stance. "Very well. Prepare yourself!"

Twenty minutes later, Pikachu had finally climbed all the way back up the central pillar of the room where Mewtwo was standing. The king of evil himself was sitting and having a cup of tea as Pikachu pulled himself on top of the platform, panting heavily and swearing to himself.

"Well, there goes all the drama of this fight," said Togetic.

Mewtwo noticed Pikachu immediately. "Are you finally finished with that?" he snapped, throwing his teacup away and scalding Togetic in the face. "Very well. Take _this!_"

Pikachu screamed and jumped out of the way as Mewtwo floated into the air and hurled a crackling Shadow Ball at him. It soared past Pikachu and exploded into the wall, taking out a huge chunk and leaving it a singed mess.

"You're paying for that!" Mewtwo shouted as he continued pelting Pikachu with Shadow Balls. The electric rodent scrambled around the edge of the room as fast as he could, desperately trying to avoid being hit.

"Pikachu! Listen a second!" Togetic shouted down after him. "Didn't you already have a fight that went just like this? What did you do in that situation?"

"YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO REMEMBER THAT?" Pikachu shrieked, frantically picking up a bunch of rocks off the ground and hurling them at Mewtwo. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Mewtwo effortlessly sent the rocks flying away with his psychic powers. "You're honestly the best hero Hyrule could possibly muster against me? This is pathetic. No wonder I was able to take over so easily. Maybe I should forget about Hyrule and concentrate on someplace that provides an actual challenge."

Pikachu looked very insulted. "I'M EXTREMELY CHALLENGING!" he shouted, picking up another rock only to collapse under its weight.

"I wouldn't call this your best fight so far, Pikachu," said Togetic, briefly floating down to join him.

"Okay, don't worry, I have a plan. We just need to find a jet turbine for Mewtwo to get his cape stuck in and – " Mewtwo hit him with a Shadow Ball and sent him flying. "Dammit!"

"Ha ha ha!" Mewtwo laughed evilly. "Do you not understand yet? Your powers are useless against me! I've already won this fight!"

"Oh no you don't! Here comes the part where Togetic dramatically saves the day!" Togetic declared, zooming directly toward Mewtwo. He grabbed her out of the air and hurled her headfirst into a wall.

"Check that. _Now _I win."

Pikachu slowly and groggily got to his feet. "Come on, Pikachu, _think! _What did you do when you were fighting Gengar? Oh, I can never remember these things unless Togetic gives me head trauma…" Mewtwo hit him in the head with a rock, trying to get him to stay down. "THAT'S IT!"

Mewtwo used Shadow Ball! Pikachu used Tail Whip!

Mewtwo's eyes bulged. "WHAT THE FU – " He was cut off as his own Shadow Ball went flying back at him, exploding right in his face.

"ARGH! MY VALUABLE FACE!" he screamed, thrashing around in midair.

"YIPPEE! I DID IT!" Pikachu cheered. "Now, prepare to be penetrated!"

"Okay, seriously, stop using that word," Togetic snapped at him as he blasted Mewtwo with an incredibly powerful Thunder attack. Mewtwo howled in pain as his body crackled with electricity, sinking to the ground.

"All right! Here's where I get _serious!_" Pikachu declared. He leapt over to the platform Mewtwo was on and started gnawing on him with all his might, causing Togetic to facepalm.

"Enough of this!" Mewtwo shouted furiously, knocking Pikachu away with a psychic blast. "Just _try _that little trick on me again, you annoying rodent!"

"Uh, okay, I will. That's really the only strategy that's worked so far for me anyway – ACK!"

Mewtwo hurled another Shadow Ball at him, and Pikachu reacted just in time, sending it back at him with a Tail Whip. The two of them spent the next several minutes knocking the Shadow Ball back and forth.

"T-MONEY, FEEL FREE TO STEP IN ANY TIME!" Pikachu snapped at Togetic.

"Oh, fine. We'll do this the old-fashioned way," Togetic decided. While Mewtwo was distracted with his duel with Pikachu, she came up from behind him and clonked him over the head with a rock, causing him to slump to the ground. "Man, that was easy."

"Now's my chance!" Pikachu realized. While Mewtwo was still struggling to stand, he pulled out Heatran's Sword, let out an extremely high-pitched and annoying battle cry, and threw himself into the air.

Mewtwo didn't have time to react before Pikachu had stabbed him right through the chest.

"Holy sh#t!" cried Togetic.

Mewtwo let out an agonized cry before his strength finally gave out and he collapsed to his knees, grabbing at his throat. Pikachu and Togetic watched him warily.

"Im… impossible…" he gasped, wheezing heavily and hacking up blood. "The great evil king Mewtwo… beaten by this kid? Pikachu…!"

Suddenly, he stood up and let out a primal, deafening roar as he began to glow a dangerous bright yellow. "RAAAAAAAGH!"

"Ooh, shiny," was all Pikachu said. Togetic shook her head and pulled him to safety just as Mewtwo exploded, smashing all the windows and obliterating everything in the room.

––

When the light died away, Pikachu found himself standing outside, Mewtwo's explosion having completely destroyed the walls and ceiling. Mewtwo swayed where he was for a moment before he finally fell facefirst to the ground and didn't get back up again.

Togetic blinked slowly. "Well, son of a b#tch. You actually did it."

Pikachu looked equally surprised. "I did it?" He fistpumped. "YAY! For once I actually killed the person I was trying to kill!"

"I still feel bad for all those orphans."

With Mewtwo defeated, Eevee's prison appeared from literally out of nowhere and floated down to the ground, then disappeared and left her free once again.

"I was up in the sky and saw a birdie. It was really weird," she said. "Pikachu, did you _actually_ defeat Mewtwo just now? How did you pull that one off?"

"I can't remember. I got hit in the head a few times. I think there was a disco ball and some sea monkeys."

"Well, regardless. Mewtwo was truly a pitiable Pokémon. He could not control the power of the gods, and look what happened."

"Yeah, and he's not the _only _one who's dying today, sister!" said Togetic, getting a devilish glint in her eye.

Eevee noticed her and frowned. "Oh, come _on. _Are you still hung up about that? Can't you just grow up and move on?"

"NEVER!" Togetic shrieked, lifting a boulder several times her size above her head. Before she could make a move, though, the ground suddenly began to rumble violently beneath their feet.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" Pikachu screamed, diving for cover.

"Oh shut up, you idiot!" Eevee snapped, looking around frantically. "Mewtwo's obviously trying to make the tower collapse on top of us! We have to get out of here!"

"Huh? Why doesn't Togetic just fly us down?"

"That question is stupid and you should feel stupid," said Togetic. "Now let's GO!"

All three of them took off running/flying down what was left of the spiraling staircase, screaming like idiots as a bunch of flaming debris began crashing down all around them. Finally they got to the bottom of the staircase, only to be greeted by a portcullis blocking off their escape.

"Stand aside, ladies!" Pikachu cried valiantly, latching onto one of the bars and frantically gnawing on it. Eevee shook her head and raised up the portcullis by using her magic Eevee powers. Don't question it.

Pikachu tried to scamper after Eevee as the trio fled backwards through the collapsing tower, but he very quickly ran out of energy. Finally he was crawling along the ground as he went down another spiral staircase, and by this time Eevee was a whole floor ahead of him.

Togetic quickly lost her patience. "90 base speed my ass! MOVE FASTER DAMMIT!" she shouted, drop kicking Pikachu off the stairs and down to Eevee's level. The three of them ran over to the next portcullis and Eevee opened it up, during which time Pikachu and Togetic were flattened by several feet of debris.

"Okay, we're getting close!" Eevee shouted over her shoulder as they ran through the next room. "Just stay close and – aw, dammit."

"YES! BURN, B#TCH!" Togetic cheered as she saw Eevee had been trapped inside a ring of fire. "C'mon Pikachu, let's ditch her!"

"I'M KINDA BUSY RIGHT NOW!" Pikachu snapped at her. Togetic turned and saw he was currently fighting off a duo of Marowaks and was not coming out on top. Finally he just grabbed Heatran's Sword and sliced both of their heads off, causing the ring of fire to vanish and freeing Eevee again.

Togetic glared at Pikachu and punched him in the stomach. "You ruined it!"

By now the shaking was getting more violent and the tower was starting to crumble to pieces all around them. With Pikachu still screaming at the top of his lungs (until Togetic punched him in the stomach again and shut him up), they scrambled down the remaining stairs and came charging out of the tower, heading back into the main room of Mewtwo's Castle again.

"YES! We're almost there! We're gonna make it!" Pikachu cheered. "I can see freedom! We're gonna – "

He was instantly frozen in place by a randomly placed Dusclops which floated over and latched onto him.

"_NOOOOOOO!_ I MADE IT ALL THIS WAY AND DEFEATED THE KING OF EVIL JUST TO GET RAPED TO DEATH BY A GHOST!"

"I'll try not to laugh at your funeral," Togetic said insincerely. Eevee sighed and beat the Dusclops over the head with a rock until it let Pikachu go, then grabbed him and dragged him out the exit.

"AIIYEEEEEEEEEE!" all three of them shrieked as they came running out of the castle. The moment they made it out safely, the violent shaking reached a pitch and the very castle itself began to collapse. The three of them watched in horror as the tower tipped over, the walls caved in, and finally the entire structure came crashing down to the ground.

Finally the dust cleared, and the heroes saw that what was once Mewtwo's Castle was now nothing more than a pile of rubble.

Eevee let out a deep sigh. "It's over… it's finally over…"

Togetic frowned. "Yeah, and you're both still alive!" she said in annoyance. "What's up with that? You both had perfectly opportune times to get killed and you just went and ruined it!"

Eevee turned to Pikachu. "Why do you even have her following you around, anyway?"

"Honestly, I forget."

Any further conversation was suddenly cut off by a violent rumbling coming from somewhere beneath the rubble.

All three of them whipped around and stared and Pikachu freaked out. "Once again, NOT MY FAULT!"

"You'd better go over there and investigate, Pikachu," said Togetic. "And be sure to leave all your weapons and other possible methods of self-defense behind too. And shout really loudly so it knows you're there."

"Sounds like a plan!" Pikachu agreed, walking over to the rubble. Eevee sighed and Togetic watched expectantly as he started looking around.

"Well, I think it was a false alarm. There's nothing around – " Mewtwo came exploding out from under the rubble. "Never mind."

"YOU!" Mewtwo bellowed at him, still looking ragged and gasping for breath. "I'm not… finished with you yet! Witness the true might… of the Triforce of Power!"

Pikachu, Eevee and Togetic all gasped and scrambled backwards as Mewtwo held out his hand and displayed the glowing Triforce, then let out a horrible roar and became engulfed in light. "What's going on?" cried Eevee.

Mewtwo used Transform! Wait, what?

"THIS IS _TOTALLY _NOT MY FAULT!" Pikachu shrieked as Mewtwo's form began to change before their very eyes. He grew enormous and muscular and sprouted a huge pair of tusks as flames began to erupt from his neck.

When he came crashing down the ground, he was an entirely different Pokémon. What was its name, you ask?

"_EMBOAR!_" bellowed the enormous monster, swiping at Pikachu and knocking the Light Ball clear out of his hands. Pikachu screamed in fright as it took a crashing step towards him, surrounding them both in a ring of fire as they began the true battle to determine the fate of Hyrule.

"Pikachu!" Eevee cried desperately, then noticed Togetic. "What are you still doing here? Aren't you going to go over there and help him and say something about how there's no way he can keep you two apart this time?"

"You obviously haven't figured out how I work."


	39. The Fall of the Pig King

**A/N: **The final battle.

––

"Oh man… oh man… oh man oh man oh man…" Pikachu whimpered, edging backwards with his tail between his legs. The sky was ripped apart by thunder and lightning as the monstrous Emboar advanced on him, flexing his claws and letting out a roar.

"This is terrible!" Eevee cried, clutching her head. "We're trapped behind this ring of fire and we can't even get over there and help him! What are going to do now?"

Togetic was munching from her bag of popcorn. "Geez, he might actually be in trouble if he doesn't have the Light Ball with him. Hey, what happened to that thing, anyway?" She quickly got her answer as the Light Ball came flying up and hit her in the head.

"It's not fair! If I have to fight with a handicap, so do you! Stand on one foot or something!" Pikachu whined. He concentrated hard and desperately tried to generate a Thunderbolt, but without the Light Ball he was powerless. Finally Emboar lost his patience and just swiped at Pikachu with his enormous hand, sending the rodent tumbling across the ground.

"_YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!_" Pikachu screamed, just barely jumping out of the way in time before Emboar brought a Hammer Arm crashing to the ground where he'd just been. He continued shrieking obnoxiously as he scampered frantically back and forth, zigzagging around the battlefield as he tried to evade the Flamethrowers being spewed at him.

"This is hopeless! How is he supposed to win like this?" Eevee moaned. Now Pikachu was trying to hide behind the chunks of stone sticking out of the ground, only for Emboar to obliterate them with a single swipe of his hand.

"Well, dumb luck has always pulled through for him before. I'm not worried," said Togetic.

At that very moment, Pikachu finally managed to gather up his resolve and stopped running away, turning around and charging at Emboar with the intent of ramming into his leg. Not only did Emboar kick him out of the way before he even got close, he then stomped down on Pikachu with his massive foot, leaving him in a crater.

"You were saying?"

Togetic tried not to look nervous. "…Well, it's not like he can actually lose, right? I mean, he's got the whole plot protection thing, doesn't he?"

"Not _anymore _he doesn't!" Eevee practically screamed. "It's the end of the story! The plot is _over! _If he loses now, Hyrule as we know it is utterly screwed!"

Togetic blanched. "Ah. That might be an issue."

"_WHAT? _YOU MEAN I MIGHT ACTUALLY DIE THIS TIME? I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS!" Pikachu shrieked, repeatedly swinging Heatran's Sword at Emboar but missing by a wide margin. Finally he just threw caution to the wind and ran right at Emboar, reeling back and driving the sword right into his thigh… but to everyone's surprise, it didn't seem to harm him at all.

Pikachu looked up timidly to see Emboar glaring down at him. "You've gotta be joking me," he whimpered as the evil pig ripped the sword out of his leg without even flinching, then threw it over his shoulder and roared right in Pikachu's face.

"Okay, this is ridiculous. Is this guy on 'roids or something?" Togetic cried.

"If he is, then he's automatically disqualified, right?" Pikachu asked hopefully. Emboar took advantage of his momentary distraction to blast him with a Flamethrower at point blank range, causing him to cry out in pain and roll around the ground.

"…I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually starting to worry," Togetic realized as they continued to watch the hopeless fight unfold. "I don't think he's gonna make it."

"No. That can't be true," Eevee said quietly, bowing her head and looking determined. "No matter how bad things look, he is still the Hero of Time, empowered by the Triforce of Courage. He'll never give up."

"I GIVE UP! IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE'S TURN NOW!" Pikachu screamed desperately, running towards the ring of fire only to be snatched up by Emboar and hurled facefirst into the ground.

Eevee facepalmed. "Come _on, _Pikachu! You have to fight back! He's got to have a weak spot somewhere!"

Pikachu cautiously eyed Emboar as the enormous boar advanced on him with the intent of finishing him off for good. "Well, seeing how his tail is probably the only part of him I can even reach, I'm really hoping that's it!"

And so he dashed up to Emboar, ducking under his legs and chomping down on his tail with all his might. Much to everyone's shock, the King of Evil suddenly screeched in pain, swaying dangerously and flailing his arms.

Togetic blinked. "Wait, you're telling me his tail really _is _his weak point?"

"Hot damn! I'm awesome! Luck had absolutely nothing to do with that!" Pikachu cheered, doing a dance like he'd just scored a touchdown. This pissed off Emboar, who appropriately stomped up and punted him like a football.

"Get _serious_, Pikachu!" Eevee snapped at him as he crashed to the ground in front of her.

"How am I supposed to do that? This whole kingdom is full of nutcases, I have nothing to go off of!"

Pikachu grabbed his sword and ran at Emboar again, leaping to the side and narrowly avoiding another Flamethrower to the face. Then he rolled between his legs (as you can probably guess, this was not an altogether pleasant experience) and repeatedly slashed at the monster's tail, screaming and angrily and incoherently. Finally Emboar had taken more than he could handle and collapsed to his knees, gasping in agony. With his concentration shattered, the ring of fire surrounding them briefly lowered.

"Pikachu! The Light Ball is here! Hurry up!" Eevee shouted at him.

Pikachu looked exasperated as he marched over to them. "Really? You guys couldn't have just _thrown _that thing to me over the wall of fire that was barely taller than you?"

"No. Now get back over there and start getting serious!" Eevee snapped, thrusting the Light Ball into his hands and shoving him back into the fray. Emboar's eyes narrowed dangerously as soon as he saw the Light Ball, but still he roared furiously and stomped toward Pikachu, raising up the barrier of fire again.

But Pikachu wasn't scared now. "Ha! I've got my electric power back! There's no way you can beat me now! Prepare for some _smoked ham!_"

Togetic groaned loudly. "Did you _really _have to say that?"

"YES!" Pikachu snapped, promptly generating a mighty Thunderbolt and blasting Emboar with all his might.

It had absolutely no effect.

"OH _COME ON!_ WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SH#T?"

"You have to attack his _tail, _Pikachu!" Eevee reminded him as Emboar shook off the attack and stomped over to him, swinging his flaming fists at the rodent.

"Are you serious? That's the most retarded weakness ever…" Pikachu groaned. He nimbly leapt out of the way of the fiery punches, and taking advantage of his size and speed, scrambled over to the backside of the much slower Emboar before he could turn around.

"HIYAAAAA!" Pikachu roared, throwing himself onto Emboar's tail and discharging a Thunderbolt. The demonic pig threw back his head and roared in pain as the electricity traveled up his body, then began roughly smacking his tail back and forth across the ground to try and dislodge Pikachu.

"OW! OW! OW! THIS WAS A BAD IDEA!"

"This still isn't looking good," Eevee groaned as Pikachu continued to sustain his amusing injuries. "We have to get in there and help him somehow, but what can we do?"

"Don't worry. There's one thing that _always _works," Togetic said with an evil grin.

Meanwhile, Pikachu finally gathered up his strength and climbed up Emboar's back, grabbing onto the evil king's head and refusing to let go. Emboar roared in fury and stomped around the arena, trying to swipe him off.

"DIE! DIE! DIE! WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" Pikachu screamed, unleashing another Thunderbolt that ravaged Emboar's body. He kept holding on until finally the evil boar grabbed him and hurled him off, sending him crashing to the ground.

"Ow…" Pikachu groaned, but he looked up and saw that Emboar was in much worse shape than he was. In fact, his strength looked completely spent. He was roaring crazily and struggling to stand, and it was clear that only the final blow was needed to finish him off forever.

But Emboar wouldn't allow that to happen. Pikachu's eyes widened in terror as the King of Evil summoned all his remaining energy and threw himself at him, preparing to incinerate him alive –

When suddenly his eyes bulged and he began to sway and stagger. Completely shocked, Pikachu jumped out of the way as Emboar crashed to the ground in a stunned heap, revealing Eevee and Togetic standing on his head. The Princess of Hyrule was holding a large rock in her hands.

"See? Told ya it'd work," Togetic gloated.

"Pikachu, hurry! I'm using my power to restrain the evil king!" Eevee shouted.

"You mean you hit him in the head with a rock."

"Tomayto tomahto! Now just hurry up and use the Light Ball to deliver the final blow!"

"Holy crap!" Pikachu cried, leaping in surprise as the Light Ball suddenly began to glow with a holy blue light, surging with power. "Uh, I really hope it's supposed to be doing that…"

He immediately jumped back to attention as Emboar suddenly used the last of his strength to swipe his massive claws at Eevee and Togetic, sending them screaming and flying off of him before they crashed to the ground several feet away.

Pikachu grew a determined frown. "Oh no you don't! I can't remember how to breathe if I don't have those two!" he shouted… and doing perhaps the only genuinely brave thing he'd ever done, he charged at Emboar as the Light Ball began to crackle and spark and give off a blinding light.

"**FOR ROHAN, AND FOR GONDORRRRRRRRRRR!**" he shrieked, drawing a lightning bolt down from the sky and striking Emboar with the most devastating Thunder attack Hyrule had ever seen.

––

"Six Sages! Now!" Eevee's voice echoed in the Chamber of Sages. The six of them immediately looked up from their card games and the omelets they had been making and snapped to attention.

"About damn time!" Jolteon growled. "Ancient Creators of Hyrule! Now, open the sealed door and send the Evil Incarnation of Darkness into the void of the Evil Realm!"

"Did you really have to say that in so many words?" asked Espeon. "Why not just say 'Banish Mewtwo' or something? Seriously, we're kind of in a hurry here and in the amount of time it took you to say all that I could have made us all some hoagies."

"SHUT UP AND DO LIKE I'M DOING!" Jolteon screamed, lifting up his arms and beginning to glow. The other Sages immediately did likewise, and suddenly a brilliant light began to form all around them, spiraling out and expanding to fill the entire chamber in a pure white void.

"Kickass," Flareon said with a smirk, putting on a pair of sunglasses as the light became blinding. "Woah. Damn, now I can't see a thing."

The light became all-encompassing, and the door to the Sacred Realm was thrown open…

––

"_AAARRRRRGHHHH!_" Mewtwo roared in agonizing defeat, thrashing around as he was irresistibly drawn into the glowing portal. "CURSE YOU, EEVEE! CURSE YOU, SIX SAGES! CURSE YOU, ANNOYING TOGETIC WHOM I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE EVEN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE… AND CURSE YOU, PIKACHU!" He began to fade away as he was drawn further into the light. "I swear, one day I will break the seal on this barrier and escape, and I shall unleash untold destruction upon Hyrule! Then the gods will be forced to flood the entire kingdom, leading one of your descendants to travel around the ocean in an obnoxious talking boat!"

The Sages all blinked. "…Wait, _what?_" said Vaporeon.

"Call it a hunch," said Mewtwo before he was completely swallowed up by the light.


	40. Here We Go Again

**A/N: **And this… is… it. The very last chapter. :O Holy crap, I can't believe I'm finally done with this after such a long time… You know this story goes all the way back to 2007, when I started randomly thinking about how much the Sages and Eeveelutions have in common and realized I could probably extend that to the entire game.

But anyway, I'm so flattered that my silly little Zelda parody turned out to be so popular, and I'm eternally grateful to all my fans. Thank you for all your reviews and kind words that have kept me going all these years.

And as you know, goodbye is not forever. This isn't the last you'll see of Pikachu. No sir.

––

Pikachu, Eevee and Togetic were all standing together in what appeared to be the middle of the sky, surrounded by clouds and with no ground in sight. Pikachu was a little confused about this, but decided to chalk it up to the brain damage.

"Well… I can't believe it, Pikachu, but you actually did it," said Eevee. "Thanks to you, Mewtwo has been sealed inside the Evil Realm. Maybe we should actually stop doubting you and putting more trust in you with these things."

Pikachu looked delighted. "Seriously?"

"No, what am I saying. That's ridiculous. I'm never going to trust you with anything. Everything you've accomplished has been a combination of ridiculous luck and other people doing all the work for you."

"THANK you! Finally, someone else realizes what I've been saying all this time!" Togetic griped, throwing up her arms. Pikachu frowned and grumbled something obscene.

"Now as I was saying. Thanks to me and Togetic, Mewtwo has been sealed inside the Evil Realm, and thus peace will return to Hyrule for a time," Eevee went on. "I suppose I could theoretically blame myself for allowing all this tragedy to befall Hyrule, but I really don't feel like it. Now the only thing left is for you to lay the Light Ball to rest and close the Door of Time."

Pikachu looked aghast. "What? _Never!_" he cried, hugging the Light Ball tightly to himself. "I don't want to go back in time! You can have this thing when you pry it from my cold, non-living fingers!"

Togetic tapped him on the shoulder, and while he was looking behind himself she grabbed the Light Ball out of his hands.

"…Damn."

Eevee shook her head. "Now Pikachu, give the Pokéflute of Time to me. I can send you back to your original time with it, and trust me, there's nothing I want more right now than for you to be somewhere else."

"If you don't, I'll just take that from you too," said Togetic.

Pikachu frowned. "No you won't! I won't fall for that twice in a row!"

"Yes you will."

"Yeah, you're right," he said unhappily. "Okay fine, take it."

He handed the Pokéflute to Eevee, who immediately took it back. "Now go, Pikachu, and regain your lost time. Oh, and maybe do something in the past to prevent Mewtwo from rising to power in the first place. That'd be useful."

"Huh-wha?" said Pikachu, but Eevee had already begun to play Eevee's Lullaby on the Pokéflute. Pikachu and Togetic were engulfed in a white light and felt themselves rising up as they were drawn back through time once again…

––

"WOO-HOO! PARRRRRR-TYYYYY!" cheered an extremely drunk Growlithe. He and a large portion of the main cast were all gathered at Lon Lon Ranch, celebrating the defeat of Mewtwo. The inebriated Wigglytuff and Raticate were leaning against each other and slurring out an extremely off-key tune, causing most of the people near them to get pissed off and throw rocks at them. Jigglypuff was singing a much more beautiful song, but it had the unfortunate side effect of putting everyone around her to sleep.

"YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS!" she shouted, pulling out her .38 and going to town.

"YOU DAMN KIDS PUT ME DOWN!" shrieked Ambipom as he was being twirled around upside-down by a bunch of Grass-types.

"WOO! This is the most fun I've everrrrrrr had!" cheered the enormous Heatran as he danced wildly around, crushing several people underfoot and causing everyone else to run away screaming.

"I remember when I used to be able to move. Those were good times," mused King Swampert, who was sitting by the entrance to the corral.

"Yeah, I was wondering about that. How the heck did you even _get _over here?" asked Treecko, who was sitting next to him.

"I could ask you the same thing. Aren't Grass-types supposed to _die _if they ever leave the forest?"

Treecko blinked very slowly. "Touché." Suddenly, he noticed a group of sparkles flying through the air, passing over their heads. "Huh? The #*?& is that?"

Everyone briefly stopped what they were doing and gazed up in awe at the six balls of light that were flying through the sky. They passed over the land of Hyrule and finally came to rest at the summit of Death Mountain, where they transformed into the six Sages, gazing down at the world.

"Dude, that was friggen awesome," said Espeon.

"Well, that's that then. Mewtwo has been defeated and Hyrule is saved," said Umbreon. "…So what exactly do we do now?"

They all looked awkwardly at each other for a moment.

Then Flareon said, "Well, I've always wanted to start a rock band…"

––

The light finally died around Pikachu, and he opened his eyes to discover that he was a Pichu again, presumably for good this time. He was standing in the Temple of Time, and the Light Ball was resting on top of the Pedestal of Time, where it was to remain for many ages to come.

"Well… I guess the adventure's over, then," he decided. Then he frowned. "Too bad that entire thing was one huge waste of time."

Togetic looked at him strangely. "What are you talking about?"

"Whaddaya think I'm talking about? I save the entire world and I still didn't get it on with _one _girl this entire time!" he fumed. "Not even the friggen princess! They all turned me down!"

Togetic rolled her eyes. "Oh, you think _you've _got it bad? My ultimate dream guy turned out to not even be real!"

Pichu's ears drooped. "Man, this totally sucks. We must be the two biggest losers in all of Hyrule," he sighed. "I mean, it's almost like the only people in the world we stand a chance with… are…"

They stared at each other.

––

"Oh cows, it's time for lunch!" Igglybuff sang as she opened the door to the stable. "I have some delicious apples for you! Come and get your – **ACK!**"

She dropped her bucked in horror at the sight of an extremely drunk Pichu and Togetic making out on top of a pile of hay. Pichu suddenly noticed Igglybuff and broke off, looking nervous.

"Uh oh. Uh… Igglybuff, I wanted to break this to you gently, but…"

"**OUT! OUT! BOTH OF YOU GET OUT!**" Igglybuff shrieked, only to be pushed to the side by at least a dozen armed Sentret guards who suddenly came barging into the stable.

"Look! There she is!" one of them shouted, pointing directly at Togetic. "There's the b#tch who tried to kill the princess! Arrest her!"

Pichu looked at Togetic in horror. "T-money! What the hell?"

"What? I _said _I was gonna kill her! I haven't gone back on that, you know!" Togetic said defensively. "Well, I guess this means I'd better skip town and become a fugitive or something. See ya around."

The guards immediately threw themselves at her, but she singlehandedly dispatched them all with several well-placed karate chops. Then she zoomed out the door and flew up into the air, vanishing into the deep blue sky.

Pichu ran out the door after her and fell to his knees. "NOOOOOO! T-MONEY! AT LEAST SEND ME A POSTCARD… ah, the hell with it. I guess now I'd better do like Eevee said and figure out a way to stop Mewtwo in this timeline."

So he journeyed back to Hyrule Castle, making his way through the courtyard back to the place where he'd first met Eevee. This was surprisingly easy to do this time around since all the guards were currently lying unconscious inside the stable.

"Hey there, sugar pants. I'm back!" he greeted Eevee after finding her in the same place as before. "And boy, do I have a story for you! I picked up this shiny yellow ball and went into the future, beat up a bunch of monsters and got more shiny things, and then I fought this cat that turned into a pig! It was awesome!"

Eevee glared at him. "Pichu, are you drunk?"

"Oh yeah. But I'm still telling the truth. Mewtwo is totally bad news bears in the future, man. We gotta stop him."

"I know we do," Eevee sighed, "but it's his word against ours, and we're just a couple of kids. Nobody's going to believe us."

––

"I can't believe they actually believed us."

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? YOU CAN'T PROVE I DID ANYTHING!" Mewtwo shrieked as the Sentret guards dragged him out of a port-a-potty, not seeming to notice the piece of toilet paper stuck to his foot. "Okay, _fine! _I admit it! I was in there vandalizing the bathroom! Is that seriously punishable by death?"

"Yes."

"I hate this kingdom."

"Well, that went much more smoothly than I expected," said Eevee as she and Pichu watched Mewtwo being towed away. "But it certainly is good to know that the kingdom is safe now, all thanks to me."

Pichu glared at her. "What the heck are you talking about? _I _did all the work here! I'm the freaking Hero of Time!"

"Oh please, Pichu. The very fact that you were even able to survive this long was a complete fluke. I've done the math, and the chances of you surviving another adventure like that are literally less than the chances of the earth spontaneously turning into a grapefruit."

Pichu frowned. "Excuse me miss, but is that a _challenge?_"

"No, I'm just saying that – "

"I ACCEPT!" Pichu shouted, completely ignoring her. "I could totally live through another adventure! I'll prove it to you."

And that's exactly what he did.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


End file.
